November 13, 2003

Tonight I biked through the cold November rain to get to the Student Publications appreciation dinner, but I didn’t mind because I’ve been looking forward to it for the entire week. The people at student pubs are great, and hanging out with them is almost always enjoyable.

Except tonight. From the moment I sat down I started feeling terribly bitter and angry about everything, and I insulted everyone sitting around me without any provocation (I didn’t even drink anything either). Cricket was sitting across from me, and since we never talked to one another for the entire evening I thankfully didn’t manage to insult her as well.

I think that through her presence alone she can make me feel either extremely happy or bitterly dejected. When we were together in the past everything felt amazingly good; we talked for hours about nothing with passionate intensity. I felt a real bond developing. But suddenly all that is gone and I’m going through an equal and opposite reaction.

My attempt to reset my neuronal connections is clearly not going as planned. Now when Cricket’s around I still feel powerful emotions, but because I can’t express anything positive, some weird negativity corrupts all of my thoughts. I wished my brain didn’t work in such mysterious (and idiotic) ways.

And no, I don’t actually feel any bitterness towards Cricket; I think she’s amazing in her own way. Throughout the meal she doodled quite proficiently on her tablecloth:

I just wish I felt fucking normal around her. When I’m by myself, doing my own crazy projects, I usually feel pretty invincible, just as I felt biking home in the middle of a thunderstorm after leaving the restaurant.

I got half way to my house when the rain started lashing me like an animal. The wind was simply savage and I could barely advance against it; it’s incredible that I still managed to maintain my balance. But everything was fierce and strangely exhilarating — I had to fight to stay on my bike and the frozen rain hurt as it clawed my face, but this struggle felt incredible. The storm was as bitter and as desperate as I’ve ever been, and there, in the night, I finally found an outlet for my despair.

And I laughed.