Pussies in Heat
January 14, 2004
At five o’clock I had tea with Trevor who told me how his cats, when inflamed with desire, moan, roll their eyes, and grind their genitals against walls. “It’s the most blatant and shameful display of horniness,” he said, giving me all the graphic details I asked for. “It sounds like someone loudly begging to be fucked.”
The cats’ strange, sexual longing sounded heart-wrenching. While sipping my tea I thought how wonderful and kind it would be to start masturbating all the cats in heat I come across. “Can cats orgasm?” I wondered. “Can I help them achieve release? Will my fingers do them any good?”
Trevor didn’t know, but he encouraged me to look for information on the web. Apparently, when masturbating a cat you have to use a wet q-tip instead of your fingers — “nobody likes a dry hump.” Tomorrow I’m buying q-tips, and maybe someone could lend me a cat…
I ran into Trevor accidentally after sneaking out of a film class I’m not even registered in. Amy coerced me to come with her and see Blow Up in the new auditorium. Large classes are distinctly unpleasant, and the prof seemed annoyed and overwhelmed in the midst of all the tension and noise. Though the movie was incredible, the class made me so uncomfortable I had to get out of there.
And lately, many things have made me uncomfortable. My visionary friend, for instance, is once again throwing himself at the beautiful people in his life. There’s intensity, rawness, and strange longing in his pleas for intimacy that reminds me somewhat of a cat’s sexual torments. Let’s have orgasms for everyone!
But at least he’s trying to do something splendid, while I’m a bit too tired to create beauty. And now that I have endless projects breathing down my neck, I find that my political ambitions have withered and died. Back in December I had every intention to run for WLUSU president, but I have ridiculously little time to decently campaign for the presidency now that I’m caught up helping with grassroots activism, developing new features for ClubLaurier, working, and keeping up with school.
I want to do something good, something meaningful — that’s why I got involved in student politics in the first place. I still have to decided what role I can play, and play well. Maybe I’ll run for the Board of Directors — campaigning for the BOD is less onerous and more interesting. This will give me a bit of time to finish the lovely things I’m currently doing. Maybe I’ll also have some time to masturbate cats.
Posted by Tudor at 10:03 PM in Friends & Lovers | TrackBackFunny, my first thought would be “get those fucking cats spayed” (as opposed to, um, getting them off)
Posted by: Dillon on January 14, 2004 at 11:04 PMHa-ha! Yes, Trevor eventually sprayed his cats, but the “treatment” seems sadistic and barbaric. It would be so much nicer to help cats get off instead of ripping out their genitalia.
Quick! Let’s buy q-tips for everyone and teach people how to masturbate their cats.
Posted by: Tudor on January 14, 2004 at 11:42 PMdon’t fucken come near me w/ those damn q-tips or you’re gonna eat them- the whole package!!!
Posted by: Visionary Indian Friend on January 14, 2004 at 11:58 PMor you could just get them a cat “friend” and you wouldn’t have to do anything ;)
Posted by: Nef on January 15, 2004 at 12:59 PMAccording to Trevor, the ear is an amazing erogenous zone, so it would be wonderful if I could make someone orgasm by playing with a q-tip in some special way. Hmm …
Posted by: Tudor on January 15, 2004 at 03:43 PMMy finacee’s landord’s cat (male) has the habit of jumping up onto her bed, grabbing hold of the sheets with his teeth and front claws (for leverage) and madly humping away for a few minutes before licking himself profusely.
She didn’t see the behaviour for what it was (thought he was chewing on her sheets).
Posted by: Greg on January 16, 2004 at 10:56 PMI’ve been thinking a lot more about cats (especially since everybody I meet these days is giving me dirty looks). As a result, I’m finding a lot of good reasons to justify my views.
You see, if you get female cats a male friend, as Nef suggested, you’ll just end up with more kittens, and that’s not such a good thing. Q-tips are better.
And since female cats cannot masturbate in the same way male cats can (according to Greg’s example), there only seems one option left. Hmm …
Posted by: Tudor on January 17, 2004 at 08:25 PMDirty looks? Who are these people? I wonder how many WLUSU people read your blog? Hmmm ….
Posted by: RaZor on January 20, 2004 at 05:40 PMSometimes I also wonder who reads my blog. I’m getting a bit over 110 unique and anonymous visitors each day and all this mystery is rather turning me on.
As for the WLUSU people, they’re not my main audience … cat lovers are!
Posted by: Tudor on January 20, 2004 at 06:22 PMIf you thought this post was weird, check this out:
Live Nude Cats!
“Japanese traditionally clean the wax from the insides of their ears with a small bamboo hook, called a “mimi-kaki” — and there’s actually a category of “mimi-kaki fetish,” men who love to have their girlfriends or wives clean their ears.” from http://www.jlist.com/CTTR/
A friend of mine was on exchange in Japan and developed a bit of a mimi-kaki fetish herself. Many an evening have been spent at each other’s houses alternating heads on laps, gently removing the wax from each other’s ears. Tudor, I really can’t tell you how amazing it is. You must get your hands on a pair of these things. I think you’d really dig them. (pun intended.)
Posted by: Meghann on December 24, 2004 at 09:50 PMLOL. they’re called Q-tips.
Posted by: Visionary Indian Friend on December 25, 2004 at 12:14 AMI tell ya, those Japonese can derive sexual pleasure from *everything.* Amazing! Yes, I’ll have to get Martha to try this mimi-kaki marvel on my ears (q-tips are not nearly erotic enough — they feel like sandpaper).
Posted by: Tudor on December 26, 2004 at 01:18 AMThis is offensive. Kitty porn is outrageous! Poor cats! You are a sick person. Leave the cats alone. CREEPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Mr Noodles on April 21, 2006 at 10:33 PMHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!!! Kitty porn!!!!! That’s hilarious, Mr Noodles!!! You are much funnier than Tudor.
Posted by: Transfat Albert on May 13, 2006 at 09:01 PMI personally welcome our new overlords, The Men Who Overuse Exclamation Marks!!!
Posted by: Tudor on May 14, 2006 at 09:21 PM