February 12, 2004

Jason needed labels for some of his envelopes, so we took a trip down the hall to the Health Plan office. As he walked out of the office armed with a label maker, he turned towards me and said, “We have to see if it works.” After pressing the buttons with enviable dexterity, Jason gave me a little slip of paper with my name on it.

I attached it to my chest. And thus began the “How to Please Tudor” project. Fifteen minutes later we were sitting in the 24-hour lounge and Jason was still testing the machine.

ARM HAIR LEG CHIN

The words came out crisp and intoxicating. More of my body parts were lovingly labelled and indexed. Words written on bodies are beautiful and full of meaning.

NIPPLE PENIS EYEBROWS EAR HAND BORRELLI

“Borrelli? That’s not a body part,” I said. Despite my objection, my arm was labelled Mike Borrelli, my head JD.

“And now we need some actions,” Jason said when enough labels were attached to my body.

SUCK LICK FUCK BITE CARRESS

One after the other, the actions found their place on my chest, between my labelled nipples. FAST and SLOW completed the delicate system of signification.

The idea behind the project was to find a more direct way of telling everyone how to please me. The system was simple — I just had to point to the right labels and let desire take its course. All day long I wore the labels like some sort of invitation, the words crude and sexy and waiting to be invoked. Strangers looked at me strangely as they passed by.

I tried to explain, lifting my shirt to show my labelled crotch …

But I think only Katie West was cleaver enough to understand the savage seduction of words. At the end of our Fringe rehearsal, as I was about to head for my math midterm, she reached out and pealed two words off my body, tenderly affixing them to her left breast.

NIPPLE LICK

And that’s all I could think of during my math exam. I’ll have to ask Jason to print me some new labels.

MATH FAIL