June 01, 2004

At exactly 9:13 pm, I picked up my phone and dialled Zorianna’s number, unaware that she was doing exactly the same. Neither of our phones rang, yet there we were, magically connected, which resulted in utter confusion and silence at both ends of the line.

The synchronicity was inspiring.

“Tell me your favourite word,” I shouted across the distance. When we called each other I was in the middle of writing a propaganda piece about ClubLaurier and I ran out of words.

“I have so many,” she said, before settling on substantial. Hers is a much better word than mine, and once we got that out of the way we made substantial plans for tomorrow. She’s coming to Waterloo for her graduation, and I couldn’t be happier.

So happy, in fact, that as soon as we hanged up the words started burning inside me and I finished the article in a spasm of excitement. My article (decorated by the above picture of me drunk and naked) goes something like this:

A Brief Users’ Guide to ClubLaurier.ca

ClubLaurier.ca is an orgasmic splutter of profanities that will, if you let it, consume your days and nights. It is also WLU’s online publication, a way of connecting the Laurier community in the digital age, and you should visit the site even before you set foot on campus.

But because ClubLaurier is an impure mixture of crack that will keep you up at night with nauseating visions of gaping orifices, you should approach the site carefully. That’s why I’ve put together this quick guide that will help you maintain your sanity as you navigate ClubLaurier:

First, sit in front of a computer wearing comfortable clothing and type www.ClubLaurier.ca in the address bar. If you see naked elephants dancing on the screen you’ve probably reached the right page. Don’t let the nakedness bother you — they’re just elephants.

Next, take a few seconds to orient yourself, and stop staring at the elephants for now (they’re there for a good reason). The site is divided into five sections, each one dangerous in its own right:

• the forums are a minefield of obscene and dangerous ideas where you can discuss everything from student politics to condom usage to racist organizations
• the photo galleries show student life as it really is, and everybody is invited to contribute pictures of live, love, and longing at Laurier
• the arcade is only there to encourage procrastination
• the blogs allow you to shamelessly peer into your peers’ lives
• the knowledge base lets you share information with other Laurier students so you never have to think for yourself

Thus, there are substantial reasons to stay away from the subsections of the site — they’re all addictive and profane.

And that’s why the dancing elephants are there — they’re safe and comforting. If you allow yourself to be mesmerized by them, you may keep your sanity.

Now I just need to find some dancing elephants by tomorrow.