August 2004 Archives
WLUSU and Nigeria
I opened my Laurier email account to find some 300 unread messages, most of them from Nigerian men with lots of money. They desperately need my help, but I can’t tell you the details because they made me promise to…Continue reading "WLUSU and Nigeria"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 31, 2004 in Politics
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ClubLaurier Again
Ever since I picked up the web design lingo, I started liberally sprinkling jargon like “standards compliance” in all of my conversations. Just last night, for instance, I was sitting in front of my monitor working out the bugs…Continue reading "ClubLaurier Again"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 30, 2004 in Technology
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How to Use (Dirty) Words
Start by picking a word that has more than four letters, one that is voluptuous and rich like “motherfucker.” Let it resonate inside you, pronounce each syllable with relish as though “motherfucker” is the delicious desert you’ve been dying to…Continue reading "How to Use (Dirty) Words"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 29, 2004 in How To
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How to Trim Your Pubic Hair
It will be hard to explain the obscene amount of pubic hair left on the bathroom floor. “Is it yours?” she’ll demand, “because it sure as hell it ain’t your fathers?” You’ll have to come up with something before she’ll…Continue reading "How to Trim Your Pubic Hair"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 28, 2004 in How To
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Identity
Everybody laughed when I stood on my soapbox and pointed at my orifices, declaring that identity is a malleable construct. Afterwards, my orifices hurt and I felt dejected. But Zorianna’s email made me feel better about the whole incident. She…Continue reading "Identity"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 27, 2004 in Ideas & Images
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Cognitive Dissonance
Everything got fucked up once I turned 24. Yesterday I awoke with a headache, oppressed by cruel cognitive dissonances — I’m no longer able to reconcile my beliefs with my actions. For instance, though I’m vehemently opposed to long-term planning,…Continue reading "Cognitive Dissonance"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 26, 2004 in Writing & the Media
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How to Instigate Tenderness
Though you reminded yourself not to act like an idiot, you proceeded to spill red wine all over yourself and to molest the family dogContinue reading "How to Instigate Tenderness"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 25, 2004 in Friends & Lovers
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Death and Longing
Toronto’s sidewalks are scenes of intense sexual agony. The two cicadas on the ground were silently and intensely fucking while the four of us watched. “Butt to butt, like dogs,” Trevor’s wifey said. They seemed to have been doing…Continue reading "Death and Longing"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 22, 2004 in Various Positions
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Flying Home on Day Twenty-Seven
I learned to see sunsets with my eyes closed and Martha’s lips on mine, and afterwards I learned the meaning of solitude and heartache.Continue reading "Flying Home on Day Twenty-Seven"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 21, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Long Ride Home on Day Twenty-Six
The following is a transcript of the notes I wrote on August 9th, the 26th day of my journey: On a trip like this everything seems to go wrong but end fantastically well. By the time I reached Tobermory…Continue reading "Long Ride Home on Day Twenty-Six"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 20, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Bruce Trail on Day Twenty-Five
They seemed to share an understanding of the horror they saw, and I was afraid they’ll attack me with their sticks as soon as they got over their shock.Continue reading "Bruce Trail on Day Twenty-Five"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 19, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Letter to Martha on Day Twenty-Four
The ride to nowhere will only take 15 minutes — enough time to orgasm repeatedly and savagely in someone’s arms on the jerky and exhilarating ride.Continue reading "Letter to Martha on Day Twenty-Four"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 18, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Tobermory on Day Twenty-Three
The following is a transcript of the notes I wrote on August 6th, the 23rd day of my journey: To wash dreams away and the pain of stones jammed in my back during the night, I ran naked over…Continue reading "Tobermory on Day Twenty-Three"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 17, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Owen Sound on Day Twenty-Two
The following is a transcript of the notes I wrote on August 5th, the 22nd day of my bike tour: The stars vanished beneath a layer of cloud by the time I awoke and headed towards Owen Sound, a…Continue reading "Owen Sound on Day Twenty-Two"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 16, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Gravestones on Day Twenty-One
The following is a transcript of the notes I wrote on August 4th, the 21st day of my bike tour: Alone, alone, all, all alone I drifted away from Collingwood leaving behind overwhelming days of bliss and excess. My…Continue reading "Gravestones on Day Twenty-One"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 15, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Alone on Day Twenty
We spent our last day on a hammock, swinging, falling, being photographed. Martha wore khakis and so did I, and by the time we realized we were an anti-commercial it was already 5:30 and the packed bags were waiting in…Continue reading "Alone on Day Twenty"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 14, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Devil’s Glen on Day Nineteen
The following is a transcript of notes made on August 2nd, the 19th day of my trek: And the 19th morning on the road was tender, overwhelming. Martha and I awoke to the smell of coffee and found everyone…Continue reading "Devil's Glen on Day Nineteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 13, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Martha on Day Eighteen
“I know your underwear need washing too,” he said, “but there’s no need to show your dimpled ass to your disciples in the morning.”Continue reading "Martha on Day Eighteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 12, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Live Update
After an incredible month biking around Ontario, I returned to Waterloo late yesterday evening and spent most of today recovering and sorting pictures. The journey was staggering: my days on the road were full of wonderful people and sights…Continue reading "Live Update"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 11, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Naked Swims on Day Seventeen
“I’ve pissed my pants too,” I said pointing proudly at my wet crotch.Continue reading "Naked Swims on Day Seventeen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 11, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Collingwood on Day Sixteen
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 30, the 16th day of my bike ride: The morning brought skinny dipping in the pond near the cottage: the exuberant plunge in the cool, translucent water with a…Continue reading "Collingwood on Day Sixteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 10, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Hills on Day Fifteen
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 29, the 15th day of my bike ride: Water looks splendid in the morning. The pleasant ride along the lakeshore took me from Hamilton to Burlington, beguiling me into thinking…Continue reading "Hills on Day Fifteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 06, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Hamilton on Day Fourteen
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 28, the 14th day of my bike ride: Just as I grew tired of the rain (I’ve struggled against it for three days), the sky broke lose one last…Continue reading "Hamilton on Day Fourteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 05, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Beautiful Loser on Day Thirteen
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 27, the 13th day of my bike ride: I awoke in the middle of the ruined house to the sound of birds once more flying through the windows and…Continue reading "Beautiful Loser on Day Thirteen"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 04, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Sleeping Amongst Dreams on Day Twelve
The following is a transcript of notes I wrote on July 26, the 12th day of my trek: I awoke to the smell of rain and left Port Rowan late in the day after too much coffee. The weather…Continue reading "Sleeping Amongst Dreams on Day Twelve"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 03, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Sleep on Day Eleven
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 25, the 11th day of my trek: We had coffee for breakfast in Port Rowan; I love the little shops in small towns with their cheap and wonderful coffee…Continue reading "Sleep on Day Eleven"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 02, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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Sounds of Darkness on Day Ten
The following is a transcript of notes made on July 24, the 10th day of my journey: The sounds raccoons make while they prowl and rape each other in the dark awakened all of my primordial fears. I spent…Continue reading "Sounds of Darkness on Day Ten"
Posted by Tudor on Aug 01, 2004 in Scenes from a Bike
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