January 30, 2005

She left you a month ago. Every morning you awake missing her, and every night you fall asleep wailing. But she’s never coming back. Today is a sunny day — you should burn her love letters.

Rush outside in the middle of the afternoon with your wild, arsonist eyes and ask your friend to give you a ride to St. Jacobs. Say, “I’ve gotta burn shit!” Jiggle the lighter in your pocket. If you look dangerous, he won’t refuse you.

Once in St. Jacobs, drag your friend with you into the wilderness. Everything will be snow-covered and sparkly in the sunlight. Make him walk with you on the frozen river until you reach the railway bridge where you fell in love with her. Say, “It was July; she was crazier and more beautiful than me.” You loved her green, incandescent eyes and her cat-like way of walking on the rusty beams.

The bridge looks more formidable in the winter. Cling to its cold skeleton and make your way to the other side. Pretend to be a train. When you’re loaded with memories and sorrow, leave the cold belly of the bridge and continue walking along the river.

A mile upstream you’ll find a rock jotting from the snow. Say, “This looks like a good place for a sacrifice,” and fall on your knees, fumbling to find your lighter. It’s all right to be nervous — it’s not every day you get to destroy the words that once gave your life meaning.

Set your offering on the altar of stone, and let sacrificial flames consume the remnants of her love. You may ask yourself, “Is this a sacrilege?” Reach out and touch the flames fed by her beauty. If you want to understand passion, you must look into the heart of the fire.

And after her letters turn ashen, stand up and howl in the frozen forest. Gather your anger and sorrow inside your lungs, and as you stump your feet in the snow let out a low, guttural sound like a wounded animal. Let the trees hear your noise and fury. When you stop roaring you’ll feel mildly cruel and there’ll be snot running down your nose.

Your friend will give you a hug. Cover the ashes in snow and spend the rest of the day rubbing your naked body against concrete walls.