January 2005 Archives
How to Burn Love Letters
She left you a month ago. Every morning you awake missing her, and every night you fall asleep wailing. But she’s never coming back. Today is a sunny day — you should burn her love letters. Rush outside in…Continue reading "How to Burn Love Letters"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 30, 2005 in How To
| 6 comments
Last Night I Was a Fish
I had fishy thoughts and clammy fins. My body swirled within the darkness of my mind to find bitterness and self-loathing. There was mucus everywhere. And I thought, “Am I’m an asshole or just delirious?” Later, when I was no…Continue reading "Last Night I Was a Fish"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 29, 2005 in Various Positions
| 3 comments
How to Touch People
It’s a shitty day. Run around the campus touching people — it will make you feel better. When you see Shrish in the morning let her tug your nipples and then find a comfy couch where you can talk…Continue reading "How to Touch People"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 27, 2005 in How To
| 5 comments
Just Bizarre
Here’s further evidence that student politics are messy: Presidential candidate Matt Gouett has made such a strong impression during the residence tours that he may be asked to resign his current position as the vice-chair of the BoD. It’s true:…Continue reading "Just Bizarre"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 25, 2005 in Politics
| 4 comments
Cosmic Bowling Time
On Sunday we bowled on the cosmic lanes for an hour, our faces eerie under the fluorescent lights. Boys knocked shit down with muscular precision, their white t-shirts glowing in the dark. Sherry, who’s not a boy, got an…Continue reading "Cosmic Bowling Time"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 24, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 6 comments
Under There
Sadly, I’ll never be an underwear model: my arms are skinny; I prefer briefs to boxers; I break windows instead of hearts….Continue reading "Under There"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 22, 2005 in Various Positions
| 12 comments
Election Trivia
Here are today’s random election facts: Candidates are not allowed to use blogs to disseminate their views because “discussions [on a blog] are constantly changing,” according to Mr. Simpson, the Chief Returning Officer. ClubLaurier is hosting the online election forums…Continue reading "Election Trivia"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 21, 2005 in Politics
| 3 comments
Election 2005
Wow! Two days of heartache and shrill arguments, and I’m in the middle of it all. Laurier is in a political frenzy. The 2005 election campaign started on Wednesday night — that’s when 49 candidates running for 31 positions…Continue reading "Election 2005"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 21, 2005 in Politics
| 9 comments
Blow Job
I’m drunk and people are wonderful again. We went to Jane Bond to celebrate Steph’s birthday. She drank her blowjob without using her hands — it got tricky. We laughed and talked about pirates and boobs the way drunk…Continue reading "Blow Job"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 19, 2005 in Various Positions
| 5 comments
Bowling
Because love is shit, we decided to go bowling at midnight. I’ve never bowled 10 pins before, and neither did Heather, but she excels at everything. Earlier in the evening she destroyed Simon and me in Scrabble, and at the…Continue reading "Bowling"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 17, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 6 comments
Rust
Rust has a way of eating metal. In the bitter cold of a Saturday morning, I found out it can also fuck up bicycles. My back wheel refused to budge even though I was in a hurry to catch a…Continue reading "Rust"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 16, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 13 comments
Smile
Early tomorrow morning the Students’ Union will pack me on a bus and send me to a remote location to be re-educated. “Please bring your best WLUSU smile and an open mind,” the training executive said. That’s right — they…Continue reading "Smile"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 14, 2005 in Politics
| 6 comments
Stop Feeding Offa Me! (explained)
Jason told me about a pretty girl called Dawn. She once had a blog that came with a disclaimer. “You don’t know me,” Dawn wrote. “The things I share here are random bits and pieces of me. They are only…Continue reading "Stop Feeding Offa Me! (explained)"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 13, 2005 in Ideas & Images
| 15 comments
Stop Eating Me
I’m suddenly worried that my blog has transformed me into a commodity to be consumed….Continue reading "Stop Eating Me"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 13, 2005 in Ideas & Images
| 14 comments
Let’s Take Photos
I haven’t taken any good pictures in weeks (winter is so dreary), so today I sat down and thought of things I’d like to photograph. It’s important to choose good subjects* — you’ll have to experience them intimately. Here’s what…Continue reading "Let's Take Photos"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 11, 2005 in Ideas & Images
| 7 comments
Thin Ice
In the winter rivers are sheets of ice that crumble beneath your feet. I wanted to do something crazy this Saturday, so I took off my coat and steped onto the the frozen water. The ice groaned, and my…Continue reading "Thin Ice"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 10, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 10 comments
Wisdom on a Sunday
People are slippery. You can never hang on to lovers or friends, but you can always hang on to your dick….Continue reading "Wisdom on a Sunday"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 09, 2005 in Various Positions
| 11 comments
Eleven Sentences About You
I want someone who will run naked with me in the rain and then make love to me and make me feel something. I’ll follow the smells I like. My housemates just burst into my room with maxi pad samples…Continue reading "Eleven Sentences About You"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 08, 2005 in Sentences About You
| 2 comments
Hard to Please
I managed to pull a muscle in my abdomen while masturbating. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. Jerking-off cheered me up while dealing with my breakup, so I’ve been doing it compulsively in the last four days. But…Continue reading "Hard to Please"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 07, 2005 in Politics
| 5 comments
Days Before the Pain
The days before tears were filled with laughter. We went to Collingwood to break up. There she taught me a new word and I chanted it in the kitchen while cleaning dishes. “Smagma! Smagma! Smagma!” She laughed uncontrollably, and we…Continue reading "Days Before the Pain"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 05, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 5 comments
Dead
And tonight we she killed the thing in a teary phone conversation. “I can’t be in a relationship right now, but I don’t want to lose you,” she said. Fucking shit. My mind reels and blood rushes painfully to my…Continue reading "Dead"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 03, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 11 comments
Happy Fucking New Year
Early in the morning on New Year’s Day I snuggled in bed with a bottle of champagne which I emptied before falling asleep again. Martha found me drunk two hours later and patted my ass. “You drank the whole bottle?”…Continue reading "Happy Fucking New Year"
Posted by Tudor on Jan 02, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
| 11 comments