February 08, 2005

Slump in your favourite hairdresser’s chair and let her comb her fingers through your tangled hair. “Make me look like someone else,” say. “I want to be other people.” After your haircut, head over to the Senate Chambers, where the Students’ Union is hosting another wine and cheese party. You should get drunk on free booze one more time.

Everyone who matters will be in the room wearing a nametag — you should too. Grab one from the table and make sure it says, “David Lynch: WLUSU Director Elect.”

Grab some wine too, and mingle with the people. Some will point at your tag and ask, “Are you David Lunch?” Lie and then say, “Turbo!” Don’t worry about explaining yourself — it’s not supposed to make sense. Have more wine instead.

When your friends come up to you, remind them of who you really are. Slur your words slightly and say, “Shh! I’m David Lynch.”

They’ll say, “Last time you got drunk, during the emergency board meeting, you sat on me.”

Ask, “Did you like it?”

Once they get uncomfortable, exclaim, “Turbo!” and run away. Have more wine and drop meatballs on the ground. And once the party is over, and they stop serving wine, start hugging people on your way out.

Someone will say, “You’re a good man, David Lynch.” Now go make a movie.