April 04, 2005

WLUSU and WLUSP, Laurier’s student-owned corporations, feed me and waltzed me this weekend to show me how much they love me for volunteering with them this year. You can tell a lot about an organization from the way it appreciates its volunteers — WLUSU’s festivities were cultish and absurd while WLUSP’s were equally absurd but funny.

On Friday night a yellow school bus took me and 2000 other volunteers to WLUSU’s appreciation dinner. The evening started well: Clemens was there in a funny tie and shorts; Jen looked ravishing in her black dress; and all around us people cheered sporadically and set tables on fire.

When our bellies were full, the absurdity began. “The bar will be closed in 5 minutes,” someone announced. For desert we got 3 hours of speeches and no booze. Each speech was slightly more ridiculous that the one before.

“Steve Welker (the current WLUSU president) is not appreciated enough for the work he does,” the incoming president said before assuring us that Steve was a fantastic human being.

Steve’s parents went up to tell us how much they appreciate him. “We agree with all the praises Steve receives,” Welker Sr. said. “Of course you do — you’re his father,” someone whispered, “it would be funny if you didn’t agree.”

I appreciate Steve by paying his salary, and I saw no reason to have a whole gala to stroke his ego. For some reason, the volunteer appreciation dinner became a circle jerk for the management committee.

When I looked up, I saw Clemens walk out of the auditorium with his funny tie. I ran after him hollering with laughter. He was visibly angry and wanted to go home. However, they not only cut off the booze, but they also cut off the bus routes — no escapism of any sort was possible. WLUSU had us trapped.

I returned to the auditorium to see the supplier of the year get an award — what was supposed a celebration of volunteerism degenerated into an awards ceremony for staff, administrators, management committee members, and random corporations. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the contributions of your employees — that’s why most companies have Christmas parties and staff appreciation days. But if you’re going to invite 2000 volunteers to an event, celebrate their accomplishments, not the contributions of people who don’t volunteer.

The WLUSU dinner angered me, and when the buses came I fought 40 other people for a seat and went to find Laura who helped me jerk off in dusty basements.

To help me forget about WLUSU, on Saturday night Laura and I went to the WLUSP appreciation dinner in the Turret. We started drinking early and hard while giggling madly with friends and strangers. Regan was dressed as formal Jesus and Sherry’s clothes were full of words: “Fuck,” “Rock.” We ate, drank, and refused to take anything seriously.

When Craig started speaking we hollered in delight even though there was nothing funny about his speech. His words tickled us; nobody had a speech prepared and we didn’t care. Sherry and Alysia became the peanut gallery, shouting absurdities at (in)appropriate intervals. I drank some more before I went up to speak and the Turret was filled with laughter, anarchy.

Once the tables were cleared, I spun with lovely people on the dance floor, craving to see vomit projected into the air. Laura and I were still giddy and drunk by the time we left the Turret, and lights were still spinning in our eyes. The WLUSP appreciation dinner connected us to a greater piece of humanity, and I felt that my labours this year weren’t entirely in vain.

Now that I look back at the WLUSU and WLUSP appreciation dinners, I can see that there are good ways and bad ways of showing your volunteers that you love them. At the end of the evening everyone should go home happy and drunk. Thus, if you want to appreciate your volunteers, here’s a short guide on how to do well:

• Don’t take yourself too fucking seriously
• You’re doing this for the volunteers: step back and let them have a good time
• Before the boring parts, make sure everyone has at least one drink
• Focus your attention on your volunteers — find other ways of appreciating your staff
• Move the troublemakers to the front — if you’re unable to laugh at yourself they’ll help you
• Make people laugh and love
• Indulge in the absurdity of the moment
• Swear at least once — maybe take off your pants
• Banish formalwear — it’s hard to spin and to be funny in a suit
• Let your volunteers bring along a friend or lover, even if they have to buy an extra ticket
• Don’t take yourself too fucking seriously