June 18, 2005

Dear Via Rail,

I don’t think you want me on your trains again, and not just because I fart shamelessly and refuse to pay for my coffee. You’ve been sending me subtle messages all week long, even before I sat my ass down in your economy class seats.

I told you last week that I have to be in Windsor on Friday for a conference. You said, “Give us a lot of money and we’ll let you ride on our trains.” I paid with my company’s credit card. And then you started getting bitchy.

“You’ll have to present the credit card you used and another piece of ID when you pick up your tickets,” you demanded.

“But it is not my credit card,” I said. “I won’t have it with me on Friday.”

“Those are the rules,” you said. “But we could mail you the tickets.”

“Sure,” I said.

“That will be another $7,” you said. I gave you the money and then you slapped a 50 cent stamp on an envelope and threw it in the mail. Via Rail, didn’t you think I’ll see right through your games. For $7 you could afford to pick a better mailing service. Instead, you kept me waiting a whole week for my tickets.

On Friday morning my tickets still haven’t arrived. My train was leaving in two hours and I was struggling to fix a paper jam in the photocopier. I needed those fucking tickets to calm my nerves. I told you I was angry.

“We mailed the tickets on the 11th,” you said. Lies! There is no mail on a Saturday.

“If they got lost somehow, we’ll issue another set of tickets at no charge to you. You just need to present the credit card that was used to purchase the tickets.”

Oh, Via Rail, I just love it when I’m trapped in a Catch-22. I know you have a near monopoly on rail transit but that’s no reason to treat your customers like shit. I want to ride on your trains, Via Rail, don’t make it hard for me to get aboard.

Luckily for you, my tickets arrived at the very last possible moment. By the time I got on my train towards Windsor on Friday I was stressed as fuck. There was no need for that. Out of bitterness I farted on your seats and refused to pay for my coffee. I hope you’re happy.