Pink Notebooks, Full of Secrets

Today I found my pink Strawberry Shortcake notebook in my desk’s left drawer. For over a year I poured all of my secrets and indecent thoughts into it, and now the time has come to share them with you. Here,…
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A Collection of Odd Persons

Deep down inside (somewhere in my liver perhaps), I always wanted to be a street performer. Or a priest. Travelling from town to town with nothing more than five jugging balls and a bag of tricks. But I first…
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This Is A Story About Islands And Wine

Whenever I worry about something, I run away. On Friday, Waterloo made me feel wary and old, so I bought a Greyhound ticket, and smiled violently all the way to Toronto. There, I not only found out all that…
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Cats

I’ll tell you this — cats are ferocious fucks especially at night. I found this out at 3:25 a.m. on Saturday morning while sleeping on Craig’s couch. That’s when Gogo (the black kitty) gently bit into my left ear…
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When You Can’t Stay, Run

I’ve had enough of this city, so I’m runing away to Mississauga for the weekend to see Craigs and cats and islands in the sun. Until I come back Sunday evening, you should enjoy yourselves — go to blog parties…
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Cemetery Roam

When I woke up in Canada for the first time, I was 12 and severely jet-lagged. And I remember going out barefoot on the balcony to look down on the strange land I was now inhabiting. The first thing…
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Birth and A Little Death

It was my birthday yesterday, and I didn’t just feel older, I felt positively decayed. My parents brought back savage infections from Old Europe (I now blame everything on them), which made my throat ache, my head hurt, and my…
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Let’s Talk of Medieval Terrors

That summer when we just met, we drove for almost an entire day to reach Virginia Tech’s campus, a strange place tucked away in the middle of the Appalachian forests, surrounded only by mountains, bars, and tattoo parlours. Aside from…
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Holy Batman

We always knew his mask was kinky, but the … umm … investigation I conducted over lunch today uncovered sides of Batman I never knew existed. Thank you, Mark Chamberlain for fucking with my childhood heroes. Now whenever I’ll see…
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Surreal

Today I stood on the same burning stretch of pavement for eight straight hours and saw not just bikers in flashy clothes speeding by but also Mennonite men with dark fedoras and their meek women … children with Jesus…
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Man Date

My favourite Visionary Indian Friend will set sail across an ocean on his birthday to visit an ungodly place where they don’t even have affordable internet access. “They’re sending me to Scotland again,” he said. “And I don’t particularly…
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It’s What’s On Tap

Because I knew few of the people at Opal’s house cooling party, I quietly snuck into her bathroom to take pictures of her taps. I’m shy like that, and her bathroom is a thing of beauty. “It’s the only…
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Turn on Your Flickr

Because flickr is so fucking useful it makes me cry, I told myself, “Perhaps you should take advantage its awesome API and find a way to display your photostream on your site.” And today I did just that. Animals….
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Put The Fun in Fundraising

There’s only one way to write a fun fundraising manual — go to a park on a sunny afternoon with a notepad and a pen and find a hard, sturdy bench. Write stories about cats, drawing meaningful connections between their…
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Selfreflexive Behaviour

We met at the golden hour on the main street in New Hamburg and instantly whipped out our cameras and started taking pictures of others taking pictures. There were six of us, locked in some kind of weird meta-photographic…
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Bring Me Anger In A Shiny Bottle

My parents came back last night from old Europe laden with bottled up anger, news of sickness and death, and enough jetlag to last them several days. I found them in the evening on the deck and we sat in…
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Next Time We’ll Go For The Roots

It’s been a while since we’ve done it, and because it was early in the morning and I was feeling frisky, I said, “Here, let me take off my clothes and you can grab the scissors…I need a haircut,…
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News of the Moment

Let’s keep this quick: First, the social(ist) committee has its first outing today — come make art in Waterloo Park at 6:30 in the evening. “Hopefully, we’ll make people think/laugh/cry/feel happy when they come across [our random acts of beauty].”…
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You Forgot Some Tenderness Behind

We arrived in London early in the morning, and for nearly eleven hours we scrubbed hardwood floors, cleaned cupboards, and got naked in empty rooms. Laura’s new house and my entire body started to smell like bleach after a…
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Maria Korp Slaughters Goats

Most newspaper article are written in the inverted pyramid format — this means that the most important information sits in the first paragraph and subsequent paragraphs clarify and elaborate that one key idea. Not so with this article from Australia,…
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Cleaning Makes Me Horny

So we went to London to clean floors and hide under papasan chairs. More soon….
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Once Every Week

My bike’s rear wheel was warped so badly that every time I picked up speed going down University Avenue it felt as though I was riding a horse. My ass was starting to hurt from all the jerky motion, causing…
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Soft, Mushy Shit

The writing course is not going the way I expected. The book I’m reading keeps asking me to dig deep within my unconscious, to find the forgotten fossils of my childhood, and from there to extract my stories. But I…
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Rain, Rain, Fatal Rain

“The weather man told me it will rain tomorrow,” Megan said. “And I want to see some ass.” We started this thing a while ago, where we just take off our clothes and run outside with a camera whenever we…
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Messin’ With Perspectives

What started with a simple roam in the park, quickly escalated into some kind of postmodern exercise in recreating reality. Yesterday, seven people (many of whom haven’t met before), climbed to the top of St. Jacobs armed with cameras,…
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From Good Shit to Bullshit

Yesterday I slept for 18 hours and I still haven’t fully recovered from the blogathon. Apparently, writing gives me worse hangovers than booze. I can only imagine what drinking while writing would do to me … The early hours of…
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All Over Now

So that’s that — 24 hours of blogging, 48 entries written, 2 pots of coffee drank, countless comments received, and 52 photos uploaded. Thank you all for making the 2005 Blogathon worth while and pledging over $1000 for literacy in…
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Morning Light

In the morning, everything looks different and more intense: her body on the glowing bed, my lips on her thighs, the shape of my back in the sunrise. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep for…
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Mugs

We were hanging the dumpsters at Western last week (our intentions were honourable, I swear), when I looked down to find her picture on the ground. I don’t know who she is or what her name is, but there…
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Sunshine and Shadows

Arghhh!…
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Simple Observations

I forgot how pink the early hours of morning are — the sky looks almost indecent at this hour. Outside my window the entire world is covered in dew. The cars are glistening with wetness as is every single blade…
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Awake, Arise, Or Be Forever Fallen

I can see the first shades of sunrise through my curtains and I can hear those fucking annoying morning birds chirping away. Which is good — it means I only have three more hours to go before I say goodbye…
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That Time of Night

Night is the time for whispered secrets and revelations. It’s five in the morning and she’s still awake and holding me, her breath on mine, telling me things. Urgent fragments of information. “I love you.” “I need you.” “I’m afraid.”…
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Cold Showers On Your Head

It’s getting to that time of the morning when boys have to take quick showers to stay awake. My shower is pink and lovely and sometimes I take my camera in there….
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Flies On Windowstills

When I was a kid, I used to torment flies in all sorts of devious ways. That’s when I discovered fire and found out that flies can burn in bright flames if you hold them above a lighter in…
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News of The Day

The New York Times Headlines just arrived in my inbox — here are today’s news stories, distilled for your convenience: Optimistic as always, the US Army plans to withdraw 30,000 troups, unless the situation on the ground continues to be…
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Laura Flowers

The hydrangea she brought now stands on my desk, lovely and withering. I think I just found my new favourite plant. We stopped to sniff it for a while and then we jumped in bed, her clothes still on…
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Laura Feeds Me, Keeps Me Warm

So Laura came by from a wedding at two in the morning with beef, and potatoes, and hydrangea on the side. She’s wonderful like that. I said, “Just throw everything in the microwave.” “But it won’t taste as good,”…
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From Cars To Roadkill

Each month a new art exhibit goes up inside the belly of Kitchener’s city hall. In July they had a neat photo gallery of old, rusty cars — the photos were simple, yet somewhat enthralling (seeing all that rusty…
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Love Letters

It’s late in the night. Let’s write messages of love on our naked bodies! Corwin started the trend: I answered in kind: Now I’m afraid I’ll have penis written on my arm for the next week. No matter. You should…
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Testing Technology At Midnight

After playing with my new camera for the last few weeks, I decided that I truly like it, despite its few quirks. So here then is a quick review of the Fuji Finepix S20Pro, just in case you find yourself…
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Penis Talk

Corwin made me promise I won’t post my crotch during the duration of the blogathon. “My $5 is to go toward you not posting pictures of your crotch,” he wrote. “Literacy too, I guess. No crotch foremost though.” However, there’s…
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London Revisited

I never told you everything that happened when Laura and I went to London last week — we did more than just run around naked. Once the afternoon melted into evening, and our bellies were full of meat, we…
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Supper

And for supper today we’ll have a platter of shrimp and three cups of coffee, served with a little masturbation on the side. I think that will keep everyone up late into the night….
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Tip Line

If I could give you a useful tip in the middle of the night, it would be this — don’t fuck with engineers, they’re assholes. A buddy of mine told me this story … A while ago the dean of…
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Contest Time

I’ll admit it — after 14 hours of blogging I’m running rather low on ideas and coffee. So this is where you come in: we’re going to have a contest! All of you insomniacs should send me the following (or…
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Sudden Growth

Remember the cactus I once rubbed against my penis and called it art? (Or self discovery? Or something?) Strange things happened to it when I wasn’t looking — parts of it withered, it sprouted new life, and now it…
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Webcams on!

It’s late in the night. Let’s start our webcams and blog naked! Oh, what fun — especially since I look absolutely retarded when I’m tired! This is suddenly much better than television. Interactivity is my middle name….
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There’s Always A Simple Explanation

Since the blogathon started, my head has been filled with questions. Perhaps you can answer some of them: 1. What does gangrene taste like? 2. Do bottles of sunscreen have an expiry date? What about mustard? 3. Aside from duct…
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Twelve

I’ve been blogging for a little over twelve hours and I feel I can go on for twelve more (as soon I have a bite to eat and drink some unethical wine). This is exciting! Since the blogathon started at…
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Everything in Triplicate

Our trip to the market early this morning was surprisingly well-documented: I took pictures, Opal took pictures, and even Martin took pictures though his lenses were misbehaving. There’s even a photoroaming group of Flickr where we document all of our…
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Donkeys and Other Things

At eight o’clock this morning, just as we were heading home from the market, they brought out the animals. Donkeys. Goats. Sheep. Even a llama that did nothing but roll in the dust. The three of us went up…
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Commercial Breaks Are Good For You

Now for some important announcements: Clemens is having a blog party on the 26th of August — and you don’t have to be a cynical fuck to attend. You just have to bring some green with you. Carly wants you…
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Eleven Sentences About You

I’m once more taking your writing entirely out of context for your amusement and mine: I brought out my special cooking powers and baked you a cake (by adding water). I’m devastated by my finances. I’m too young to be…
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A Scab on You

Ever since I fell on my bicycle I’ve got some pretty awesome scabs on my arm. Now and again there’s something like puss dripping out of them. “Why don’t you take care of your wounds?” Laura asked in a plaintive…
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Yellow Room

“I would really like to see you write a novel one day,” she told Trevor. “Oh, everyone should see him write in a yellow room on a sweaty afternoon,” I said. “The act itself is fantastic and I have pictures…
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You and Your Purple Veggies

At the market today, we asked the Mennonite girl about her peculiar vegetables. “What the fuck is going on here?” We said, picking up the purple peppers and mutant eggplants. “That’s an eggplant,” she said. “The other one is…
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How To Say Words

Maybe because it’s our anniversary, I remember some of the strange arguments we had late into the night by the river. “Aluminium is a superb material,” I said, apropos of nothing. “We should make hats out of it.” “What did…
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Holy Jackson

Stop stalking me, Jackson-Triggs! I caught a glimpse of your Chardonnay in the market today — it was looking at me funny asking me to drink it. Your Sauvignon Blanc is still in my fridge, so chilly, so yummy. If…
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A Strange Thing Happened On The Way to the Market

Opal is about 5 feet tall, and feisty. She never lets signs get in her way. On the way into the market today we saw a sign that said pretty much what you would expect any sign to say —…
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An Inventory of Monstrosities (Part II)

We saw other strange things for sale in the market this morning — things like: Pig ears Bone knuckles Funky towels Scary toys Absolute crap Donkeys (more on that later!)…
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Thank You

The blogathon started 6 hours ago. Since then I wrote 12 posts and drank at least five cups of coffee. With any luck, I’ll keep this up for another 18 hours! I want to thank my sponsors again — you…
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I Take My Coffee With Activism In It

I just went downstairs to make coffee — I’ve been up since seven o’clock and I’m feeling a bit sleepy (and possibly hungry too). Now the whole house smells like coffee and I remember that since I started making my…
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Porn Talk

We started talking about porn the other day, her and I. “I accidentally downloaded this video I didn’t mean to download,” she said. “You know how sometimes things are mislabelled.” “Right. Accidentally.” I said, crooking one eyebrow. “It nearly made…
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Items For Sale

While prowling through the market early this morning, I almost bought the following items: Creepy as fuck masks Plush puppies Bags full of Oops! (I need seven of them) Fat people Mutated eggplants Sexy bones Strawberries, cherries, and grapes…
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Get a New Wheel Day

I went downtown the other day to give money to the poor, listen to some blues, and get myself a new wheel. The poor didn’t want my money; now that the blues festival is in town, the homeless migrated…
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Anniversary

Last night was our anniversary — six months since Laura and I met, laughed, and held hands. Six months filled with boat rides, garbage collection, concerts, photos, edible pornography, naked explorations, abandoned places, and mud on our feet. We celebrated…
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Update On The Weather

My neighbours now anticipate rain as much as I am. Each time it rains they see me rushing outside wearing nothing but a camera dangling from my neck. Their fingers are probably itching to call the cops … or…
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Mennonite Girls

The Farmer’s Market on a Saturday morning is full of Mennonite girls in strange poses. Some were selling sexy bones; other were washing near carts full of sausages; and we even saw some on the sidewalks bluntly offering honey. In…
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Eggs in the Morning

The pickle I ate at the Farmer’s Market earlier today just didn’t do it for me. It was juicy, big and it dripped all over my shirt like some kind of oversized penis, but my belly was still feeling…
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Bribes and Thanks

After the first hour of the blogathon, I’m feeling more awake than I did this morning. It must be the coffee. Or my sponsors (they made me want to get up this morning). Big thanks and virtual hugs go out…
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Under There

At the market today a strange man tried to sell me underwear. “Hey, you, you need some underwear?” he asked. That’s perhaps the creepiest way to start a conversation. “You don’t even know me,” I said, secretly afraid of…
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Market In The Morning

It’s been a busy and sleepy morning, punctured by laughter and vibrant images. Opal came by at 7 AM in her aluminium car to take me to the farmer’s market. “I figured you’d need some material to write about…
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Welcome

Welcome to the 2005 blogathon. For the next 24 hours (or until I collapse) I will post an entry every half-hour — this will be oh, so very stream-of-consciousness. And we will talk of many things, “Of shoes and ships…
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Fans and Summer Nights

The fans on Sherry’s ceiling were spinning like mad creatures. Somehow, after suicide wings and beer the four of us ended up in Sherry’s room, prostrated on her bed. Regan was balancing a bottle of screech rum on his…
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Make up words day

I know Internet Dave mainly through his blog, but last night he came by for scrabble, coffee, and many glasses of wine. Scrabble is the worst board game to play with someone you don’t yet know — it’s a…
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Stories

The worst part about not graduating this summer as I was supposed to was explaining things to my parents. “Yeah, I’m a fucking failure,” I said. “We know.” The best part is that I get to take one more course…
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Monday, London Time

You said that you’ve had enough of this shit, that you’re taking your dishes and moving to London. I said that I’m coming with you. So on a bright Monday morning, I got in your car with your porcelain…
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Tumble

When biking to work on a sweaty Tuesday morning, nothing beats the sensation of crashing against the pavement at the corner of Erb and King while a dozen SUV drivers point at you and laugh. It feels better than sex….
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