October 2005 Archives
Scattered
The morning found us scattered across the land: Carly in St. Catherines eating bagels, Dave in London chasing buses, Corwin in Guelph sleeping on cold floors, and me in Kitchener shaving my armpits. But by two o’clock the four of…Continue reading "Scattered"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 31, 2005 in Here & There
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Oh, That Intellectual Jizzm
I’ll tell you again: convocations are feasts of boredom that will sear your brain with meaningless words and intellectual jizzm. For twenty minutes before the ceremony, I huddled with the other 700 graduates in a long, narrow corridor. The…Continue reading "Oh, That Intellectual Jizzm"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 29, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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Medieval Mercenary
I’d like to freelance for some obscure publication in the London region — preferably a small newspaper with lots of advertisements for stip clubs and gay hotlines. Does anybody have any contacts they could share?…Continue reading "Medieval Mercenary"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 28, 2005 in Various Positions
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There’s No Such Thing As Water
The City of London cut off the watermain on Laura’s street at 9AM, leaving me without a shower. For the rest of the day, my crotch smelled like lust, girls, and a million shards of morning. If I ever bottled…Continue reading "There's No Such Thing As Water"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 27, 2005 in Various Positions
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Fish. With Lipstick
Because work is supposed to be fun, our trainers passed around stacks of papers with fish outlines printed on them. “We’re going to play a colouring game,” they said. We went through the pile picking out all sorts of…Continue reading "Fish. With Lipstick"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 26, 2005 in Working Life
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I Can. Japan.
Each of our days in London are tragic and beautiful in their own way, especially when the mornings start with weeping and tenderness on linoleum floors, our bodies shaking in agony. “I can’t do this school bullshit anymore,” she said….Continue reading "I Can. Japan."
Posted by Tudor on Oct 25, 2005 in Various Positions
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Lost
These are the things of no importance I’ve lost in the last two days: my sense of proprietymy aluminium scooterone foot of salamimy security access card, and with it my ability to show up to work on time But I…Continue reading "Lost"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 24, 2005 in Various Positions
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The Mitten Bunny
Sometimes I come back from work flushed with excitement. “Laura! Laura! I learned something new today,” I said feeling knowledge rush through my veins like a strange liquid. “About modem lights?” She asked mildly amused. “No. About mitten bunnies,” I…Continue reading "The Mitten Bunny"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 23, 2005 in Working Life
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Photoroam: Hillside Park
I left London in the morning on a Greyhound, and when I arrived in Kitchener I was so excited to see Jason Shim waiting for me at the station, I ran directly into his arms and humped his right…Continue reading "Photoroam: Hillside Park"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 22, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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Question. Answer.
“Of all things, why do you study Religion, dear Jason?” I asked. “Because I find the subject interesting,” he said. “Oh yeah? In that case, I have some pretty interesting boils on my ass you’ll also want to explore.”…Continue reading "Question. Answer."
Posted by Tudor on Oct 22, 2005 in Various Positions
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Letting The Days Go By
tired. too much coffee. too much talk of modem lights. too much time spent under video surveilance in malls. too much october. too much stress. if the customers asks “are you a real person?” say “yes.” “no.” too much wiki….Continue reading "Letting The Days Go By"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 21, 2005 in Various Positions
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Spunk
Alysia only made two simple requests when I started hidding out in her house: don’t spunk on the couch and stop talking about hard-ons. Umm. I’m afraid I violated both of her wishes. You see, the morning was full of…Continue reading "Spunk"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 19, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Rain. Night.
The best thing about my job is the hour-long break that comes late in the evening on rainy days. Then the streets are wet with anguish and the whole city smells like vapour. London is strange like that —…Continue reading "Rain. Night."
Posted by Tudor on Oct 19, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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Get A Day Job
For eight hours each day I learn about the internet’s backbone and funny bone. A month from now I’m expected to give customers coherent instructions on how to tap into this “world wide web” thing. Though I’m not allowed to…Continue reading "Get A Day Job"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 18, 2005 in Various Positions
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So It Begins
After an hour of driving in the dark, I ended up in London with a bagful of clothes, a hardon, a bicycle, and a dozen weiners wrapped in pig intestines. I’m pretty excited about the weiners….Continue reading "So It Begins"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 17, 2005 in Various Positions
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Boats on Windy Days
The wind was overwhelming and the rain clouds followed us all the way to the top of the mountain. So once we reached the summit and gloried in our splendour, we jumped down the hills again, tumbling in the…Continue reading "Boats on Windy Days"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 15, 2005 in Here & There
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Scared Yet?
Today I found staggering photographic evidence of just how terrifying I am. This Halloween I’m just going to be wearing my face!…Continue reading "Scared Yet?"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 14, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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Seedy Reasons For Moving Away
For some reason, Waterloo is experiencing a severe pumpkin seeds shortage. Somebody bought all the pumpkin seeds at Bulk Barn, and I had to settle for sunflower seeds. This affects me deeply since pumpkin seeds are my main source of…Continue reading "Seedy Reasons For Moving Away"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 14, 2005 in Various Positions
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How to Jerk Knees
I know you all want to make those knees jerk. If you have a radio show, you can start by defending an unpopular opinion like that of Mr. Weinberg who wrote that all Laurier girls are promiscuous by nature. Everyone…Continue reading "How to Jerk Knees"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 13, 2005 in Politics
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Savage, Terrifying Manbeast I Is
It’s funny what you find out after you’ve been with someone for a while: “For weeks I was absolutely terrified of you,” Laura told me over the phone the other day. “Why?” “I still remember that day when you started…Continue reading "Savage, Terrifying Manbeast I Is"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 12, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Oktoberfest
Thanksgivings has always been lower on my list of priorities than the Oktoberfest. I don’t like dead birds. Or pilgrims. Besides, who in their right mind can resist beer, funny pants, and dead pigs rolled into juicy sausages? Since…Continue reading "Oktoberfest"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 11, 2005 in Here & There
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Top of the Hill
The best place in the world to piss is on top of the hill overlooking the town of Baden. “I can see the whole world,” I shouted, aiming my cock towards the King’s Highway. Traffic roared in the distance…Continue reading "Top of the Hill"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 10, 2005 in Various Positions
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Technicolour Death
Today I spent four hours outside watching leaves decay in a thousand golden patterns and rushes of rust. Even the streams and metal things abandoned in the wilderness now have the same colour as the dying leaves. And I’ll…Continue reading "Technicolour Death"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 09, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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That Place With Metal Bums
London, Ontario is a shitty place. However, it has three things I dig: graffiti, rhino bums, and Laura. So naturally I want to be there — I even got a job when I was in London earlier this week….Continue reading "That Place With Metal Bums"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 08, 2005 in Here & There
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Why Blog?
A wonderful stranger with the best name in the world asked me the other day why I do the things I do. Why do I make my life so public? Aren’t I worried people will misunderstand? And if I worry,…Continue reading "Why Blog?"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 07, 2005 in Writing & the Media
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You Know You Go To A Business School When
… all the graduate job postings in the career services require a BBA degree. In other news, the Weinberg controversy got extensive coverage in the Waterloo Chronicle. At the same time, The Cord assured its readers that WLUSU is dirty…Continue reading "You Know You Go To A Business School When"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 06, 2005 in Various Positions
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Fix It Up In An Orange Shirt
It all started with a simple suggestion on a morning gorged with kisses, sleep, and arguments. “How about you inflate your bike tires, Laura?” Those words once spoken expanded outwards until they were finally swallowed up by other words as…Continue reading "Fix It Up In An Orange Shirt"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 05, 2005 in Here & There
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Full of Exclamations!
The scene was as strange as only dreams can be — a dozen midgets, maybe more, danced and sang before suddenly exploding. Everything leading up to that moment of naked, shrill laughter was equally bizarre and wonderful: Jeff drove…Continue reading "Full of Exclamations!"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 02, 2005 in Various Positions
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With Oats and Barley In Our Hair
So I wrote a story about llamas because llamas are good for you. This is supposed to be the first chapter of a larger work. As always, feedback is appreciated — tell me how not to make things suck. The…Continue reading "With Oats and Barley In Our Hair"
Posted by Tudor on Oct 01, 2005 in Writing & the Media
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