December 2005 Archives
Happy New Year
So we’re leaving for the party, her dressed in fancy jackets and ass-grabbing pants. “So how do you I look?” she asked. “You look like a little man who stole another little man’s clothes.” Oh, this will be a happy…Continue reading "Happy New Year"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 31, 2005 in Various Positions
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Of Hair
Though I offered to cut her hair several times (and even fondled it with my scissors once while she was sleeping), Laura decided to visit a hair saloon instead. When I met her afterwards, her hair was full of…Continue reading "Of Hair"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 31, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Give Me Some Living Organisms For Christmas
“I have this thing for cacti,” I told Laura. “Sometimes I like to rub them all over my naked body.” Laura in turn told her mother, who not only thought me weird but was also thoughtful enough to place…Continue reading "Give Me Some Living Organisms For Christmas"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 30, 2005 in Various Positions
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Glimpses of Life From August To December
Flashback time! From August to December I’ve swamped you with lovely pictures of genitals and other pointy things. Look: Wanna go further back? Check out the archives….Continue reading "Glimpses of Life From August To December"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 29, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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The Strange Eating Habits of Reptilians
The coffeemaker suffered an unfortunate accident this morning at almost the exact same time I ran out of instant coffee. I had no choice but to improvise by dumping a handful of raw coffee beans into a glassful of…Continue reading "The Strange Eating Habits of Reptilians"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 29, 2005 in Various Positions
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So This Is Christmas (Part II)
After our Christmas dinner, we fed the dog some turkey and its heavy head instantly filled with dreams. Turkey is a dangerous bird, full of lovely feathers and toxic chemicals. I know this because I had a turkey when…Continue reading "So This Is Christmas (Part II)"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 28, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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So This Is Christmas (Part I)
Sometime after the slaughter of swine, Laura came to pick me up so I could spend Christmas Day at her house. “And you can stay the night,” she said excitedly, “as long as you don’t splooge on the couch.” “Deal.”…Continue reading "So This Is Christmas (Part I)"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 27, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Tastes Like Childhood
A few weeks ago, Laura told me about Christmas as we lay in bed, her eyes moist with tenderness. “It’s not the crass commercial aspects that I like, but that feeling of togetherness … family … lights … watching…Continue reading "Tastes Like Childhood"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 25, 2005 in Here & There
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Smashy-Smashy Time
Somewhere in the land of twitching Christmas ornaments, a sketchy bookseller was peddling cheap copies of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I bought one on impulse, and last night in a couple of hours I devoured the first few…Continue reading "Smashy-Smashy Time"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 24, 2005 in Writing & the Media
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The Fire Sermon
In the darkness and emptiness of the house, I lit small fires and took off my clothes. The winter solistice gives me reasons to burn things. Laura left the city late in the night and without her London feels…Continue reading "The Fire Sermon"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 22, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Buy Laptop: Sizzle Testicles Slowly
Thanks to the wonder of PR, my laptop, the one I daily hold on my knees until it scorches my testicles, was finally featured in the New York Times. Go read the most boring article ever….Continue reading "Buy Laptop: Sizzle Testicles Slowly"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 22, 2005 in Various Positions
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Every Day is Like Sunday
In the bath, our naked, lustful bodies collided beneath warm water. Soap and caresses. Fingers shiny with wetness. Secrets whispered beneath bubbles. “We should have done this earlier,” I said….Continue reading "Every Day is Like Sunday"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 20, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Quitter
This morning I got up and decided to quit my job so I can spend the rest of my days naked, making love to Laura. The plan worked wonderfully: at noon I wrote a staggering resignation later, and later in…Continue reading "Quitter"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 19, 2005 in Working Life
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Everything Twitches With Life
It’s almost Christmas, and everything in the nearby mall twitches with awkward, mechanical motions. Scary shit….Continue reading "Everything Twitches With Life"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 18, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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I’ll Cook You A Delicious Cow
Alysia struggled all morning with bovine essences to produce the tastiest roast beef I’ve ever tasted. I arrived home in the middle of a snowstorm hungry and in love, and she feed me meat with sweet potatoes. Sherry and Laura…Continue reading "I'll Cook You A Delicious Cow"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 16, 2005 in Various Positions
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Mr. Plowman
After I bitched repeatedly about London’s icy roads, the city finally decided to take action. Last night the city council abolished winter. Thus, by nine o’clock this morning, despite a night of heavy snowfall, all streets and sidewalks were obsessively…Continue reading "Mr. Plowman"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 16, 2005 in Various Positions
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Shake Your Head, Mr. Wonder
New glasses — see?! After losing my sight last week, today I finally got some new lenses. I wear the sunglasses mostly at night because they make me look creepy. Laura likes creepy….Continue reading "Shake Your Head, Mr. Wonder"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 15, 2005 in Various Positions
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Technical Interview Day
Today I put on my fancy suit and rode down to Guelph for an interview. They’re hiring technical writers down there, and I always wanted to be able to say, “Hey baby, I’m a writer.” I’m excited about the job,…Continue reading "Technical Interview Day"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 14, 2005 in Here & There
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Pee In a Bottle Day
When the landlords came by this morning with dishwashers and love in their arms, I hid in Laura’s room like a secret lover. They are not supposed to know about my existence, but my bladder was full and Laura…Continue reading "Pee In a Bottle Day"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 13, 2005 in Friends & Lovers
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Connect My Elbow To The Back Of Your Neck
We should all grow something on our faces — Marxist beards, dozens of pimples, several noses, testicles, tumours, seven furious nipples. Growing a beard hurts in satisfying ways, like making love for the first time. The other options haven’t yet…Continue reading "Connect My Elbow To The Back Of Your Neck"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 12, 2005 in Various Positions
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Orgies And Sticks
At the mall where I work there is a store I frequent daily — it’s called Divas and it sells women’s clothing. I go there not just because I want to buy a dress, but also because the mural…Continue reading "Orgies And Sticks"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 11, 2005 in Various Positions
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The Secret Life of Cells
For a month now I’ve left slices of chicken decompose in my work’s freezer, creating something deadly and yummy at the same time….Continue reading "The Secret Life of Cells"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 11, 2005 in Working Life
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Nerve Endings
Laura and I sometimes slap our bellies in the middle of the night and go out for long walks around the neighbourhood. The cold bites into our noses and she holds my hand while I scream profanities at baby Jesus…Continue reading "Nerve Endings"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 10, 2005 in Various Positions
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Choices
Tonight I had the wonderful choice of either going to my work’s Christmas party to dance with techies, or heading home to get into Laura’s pants while wearing her underwear on my head. I went home….Continue reading "Choices"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 09, 2005 in Working Life
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Even If I Do It Gently
My eyesight is bad. Yes, bad. When my hand is fully extended in front of my face even my fingers become blurry. So when I lost my glasses the other day, I rented a shiny car, declined the optional…Continue reading "Even If I Do It Gently"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 08, 2005 in Various Positions
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Leave Your Fingerprints On Lenses
My Visionary Indian Friend and I flopped our dirtyphallic lenses onto Heuther’s coffee tables and dreamed of trips across the continent. That’s when a girl whose name is not Kim came over to talk to us about cameras. “Oh, that’s…Continue reading "Leave Your Fingerprints On Lenses"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 06, 2005 in Various Positions
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From June to August
From June to August life looked like this, and it was good:…Continue reading "From June to August"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 05, 2005 in Ideas & Images
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Subvert The System
I feel mildly subversive each time a customer calls in to complain about the quality of the service (which is every day). “Let me put you through to the cancellation department right away, Mr. Gooey Tarballs. You don’t have to…Continue reading "Subvert The System"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 04, 2005 in Various Positions
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Pee
“Summer came and went,” I said, “and I still haven’t peed in your yard.” “You’re some kind of strange animal,” she assured me. “I can do it now.” “We have neighbours,” she said, at which point I rushed into the…Continue reading "Pee"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 03, 2005 in Various Positions
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You Say The Hill’s Too Steep To Climb
This morning, some asshole languidly rolled down his car window and called me a “fucking idiot.” I was on my bike and the streets were covered in a foot of snow (London, you see, doesn’t believe in plowing its main…Continue reading "You Say The Hill's Too Steep To Climb"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 02, 2005 in Various Positions
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New Bike Day
I’ve got a bike, You can ride it if you like It’s got a basket, a bell that rings And things to make it look good It was raining like hell that night when we decided to get me…Continue reading "New Bike Day"
Posted by Tudor on Dec 01, 2005 in Bike Rides
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