June 26, 2006

The karaoke contest was going well until a sweet, old lady decided to buy me booze. Up to that point, I was just nodding quietly, minding my own business. But once the booze started flowing, everybody else’s business became my business too.

Thus, when the two girls sitting at my table said they were too shy to go up and sing in front of a room-full of older people, I decided I had to help them.

“I’ll come up and sing,” I said. “All you have to do is dance.”

“Sure,” they said, not quite sure what they were agreeing too. I wasn’t quite sure what I was saying either. And before any of us had a chance to change our minds, our turn came up.

“We picked a Spice Girls song,” they said.

“Great,” I said grabbing the mike. “I don’t know how any Spice Girls songs.”

And I proved it to them as I proceeded to shout random words into the mike while jumping up and down.

You take an inch … I run a mile,
Can’t win … you’re always right behind me.

I sounded like Bob Dylan on cocaine. The girls were terrified, but had no choice but to continue to dance.

Stop right now, thank you very much,
I need somebody with the human touch

But there was no stopping me, not even when our agonizing song was finally done! I jumped back up when the next group went up and performed bitchin’ version of The Time Warp. My voice screeched to frightening new highs and my pelvic thrusts drove everyone insane.

Naturally, I won first prize in the karaoke contest. This wasn’t really surprising since my musical talents are great and I was judging the whole thing.