Youthquake!

So Regan and Sherry are getting married. They stopped by my apartment on their whirlwind tour to incite youthquakes around the province. I made them coffee in the most awkward way possible. “All my electronic devices decided to commit…
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Spring. Finally.

Yesterday was the last day of winter. Early in the morning I drove down to Cambridge to help Simon move. The Vinyl Cafe was on the radio — a story about Winnipeg and this crazy elm growing in the middle…
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So the great affair is over

Laura’s gone. Her last pieces of furniture removed. Her closet empty. The walls now barren and cold. Who the hell chose that awful shade of white for our bedroom anyway? Oh, yeah. It was me. It ended just as quickly…
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Every Blues Song You’ve Ever Heard

Laura took off a couple of days ago. I dropped her off at the airport on a stormy morning, the sky brooding and dark. Her bag was as big as she was, her eyes sleepless, her head full of…
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If our fingers were less delicious, he’d stop biting them

Every weekend is now pretty much the same as every other: we get our fingers bitten by dogs (this time Rufus got my finger), and then we kiss to make it feel better. There’s comfort in normalcy….
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Rainy Saturday in May

The Saturday started with thunderstorms and ended with even more rain. But in between the two storm systems, the skies burst open with sunlight for a few hours just as about a hundred of us gathered by the side…
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Sunday Evening Rituals: Let us Ingest Tenderness

As soon as Sherry and Regan arrived in front of our house last Sunday, we went on a mission to fill their bellies and hearts with tenderness. So we started by feeding them them pork tenderloin. “Umm … so tender,”…
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Sunday Morning Rituals

I love our Sunday morning routine: 1. Wake up late and groggy, bathed in warm puppy breath. 2. Stumble naked into the kitchen to brew freshly roasted organic coffee that tastes like armpits. 2. Smash to the ground the…
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I choo-choose you

Laura and I have been together for four years now. Four years is a long, wonderful time. Thus, every moment is now filled with its own romance. Take Valentine’s Day, for instance. In the morning, we hung out at…
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Meaty Feast

Fact 1: After more than a month of living in Jason’s basement, we still don’t have a kitchen table. We eat all of our meals by delicately suspending plates on our knees. Fact 2: Jason cooks cows in prodigious quantities….
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3 Years Is Not As Long As It Sounds

It’s been 3 years since Laura and I have been together, which is both exciting and frightful. The frightful part is that we’ve slowly become one of those couples who argue for stupid reasons (dog slobber on the bed, dishes…
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Whatever Happened to the Short Girl?

Laura’s blog went silent many moons ago, which is too bad because exciting things kept happening to her. So I figured I should start blogging on her behalf… The first exciting news is that she got a grownup job. She’s…
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Long Overdue Hillside Overview

Regan shoots film, so every photo he takes goes through a long, loving process before it makes it online. By the looks of it, he just finished processing his last batch of Hillside photos. They’re all awesome, and they…
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An Adventure Involving Stake and Army Helmets

Go visit Corwin in Bruce County. Take your little doggy too. Corwin will feed you mouth-watering steak, potatoes and pie. He will also show you his younger self, his older self, or any other self you’d like to see….
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Beware of Bears!

This weekend was Laura’s birthday. We ate crummy Indian food, picked bears out of garbage, and made out in parks. It was pretty great….
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Portrait Project - 2007

As some of you may know, this month I’m taking a portrait course I’m rather excited about: we get to play with lights, foam, and really neat ways of capturing people. The studio itself is in an old, gutted…
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Us

It’s been two years since Laura and I met in a darkened theater, giggled uncontrollably for hours, and then threw ourselves at each other with considerable longing. Since then, our lives changed and intermingled in wonderful ways: we discovered new…
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Trip Into Alternate, Rural Crazyland

We headed northwards on a rainy Saturday morning until cities disappeared and were replaced by fields, sheep, and farmhouses. We reached Corwin’s farmhouse by dusk for his non-wedding wedding, and pretty soon urban reality disintegrated around us and was…
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Sensation and Softness

Your breasts are like salvation, like the memory sorrow, like the sound of a single drop of water in a cistern to a thirsty man. Your breasts drive me mad with wanting you….
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From Now On I Will Write Mainly About Bums

Evenings in the apartment are always an adventure. You see, we still don’t have any curtains but that doesn’t stop us from running around in our bare bums. I meant to get curtains weeks ago. Honest. But in the hassle…
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Weather Patterns Speed The Beating Of Our Hearts

As expected, Toronto media outlets went gaga over Nuit Blanche, which took place from dusk to dawn on Saturday. But for me, the experience was an uneasy mixture of pleasure and pain. For one thing, I got lost in…
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All The Saturdays Of Our Lives

The weekend consisted of haircuts, chasing butterflies, pieces of you and me sprawled on sofas, baked pretzels and muffins, limbs arched between legs and breasts like wild things … The rest of the days of the week offer no…
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Wedding Wrap-up

After the first couple of beers went straight to my head, I grabbed Laura and dragged her away from the wedding party towards the basement. Once we were all by ourselves, I kissed her wildly on the lips, showed…
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Ode to Sweat

All last summer our bodies were glued together by sweat and longing. Nowadays, whenever the weather gets unbearable and the air too heavy to breathe, all I want is to rip off my clothes and lie naked with you…
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And Wedding Guests Stumble Through The Door, Sweating

I’ve been nervously excited about Greg and Larissa’s wedding ever since their invitation arrived in my mailbox two months ago. “Yo! Sherry! I’ve never been to a wedding before,” I confessed. “What shall I do? What shall I wear?”…
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Laura Day

Her birthday falls on Bloomsday — the day when the whole world celebrates everything that’s good about postmodernism and tiny girls called Laura. And there are a lot of good things about Laura… “Arrgh! You’re a monster,” I said, holding…
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Angry Man Gets Sword, Destroys Village

My Visionary Friend and I get some of our best ideas when we’re hanging out in our underwear. “I want a sword,” he said. “Swords are pretty cool,” I agreed. We followed this train of thought to its completion,…
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We Wore Nothing But Sunlight

For an entire morning in June we danced naked on empty beaches, our bodies colliding … touching … wrapped in ecstasy….
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A Split Second of Pure Air

We gathered in the park at the end of the rainbow on a crisp, cloudy afternoon to fall from the sky. The playground equipment lay dormant and inviting, so we climbed up gilded ladders and took turns flinging ourselves…
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This Is A Story About Decks and Other People’s Crotches

After several hours of Doors Open horrors, I caught up with Bryan just as he was hopping out of bed. Our breakfast consisted of beer, cold pizza, and cigarettes. Once our bellies were filled with nourishment, we jumped into…
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Dance, Shadows, Dance

Our interpretive dances at sunset lulled the nearby goslings into a deep trance. Frightened by the movement of our loins, the whole city of Guelph went limp with muted admiration….
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Jason Shim in Conversation

I sat down with Jason Shim and Jenny this week and we asked him about life, penguins, and his upcoming bike ride across Canada. His answers were monstrously funny. Among other things, Jason told us why Antarctica sucks, why monkeys…
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From Here To There At Horrifying Speeds

Whirlwind trip to London … I surprised her as she walked through the front door late at night after she biked in the rain, and she screamed delighted as she leaped into my arms. Questions … Kisses … “What are…
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Jubilatory Masturbatory

Wearing a dead man’s jacket, I rode the cusp of seven traffic jams to reach Toronto. My reward was to see Trevor strut towards me from the darkness of an alleyway; I jumped on him like a mad thing….
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Torture Is What We Do When We’re Lonely

“You have great hands,” she said. “Yeah. Great for masturbating,” I said. “Look how hairy my palms are!” And we rolled on the bed naked, my great pair of hands roaming all over her body, while the CBC in…
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Pull Those Undies On Your Head Now

Jason Shim came to the murder mystery party wearing a pair of underwear on his head. “I’m pretending to be you tonight,” he said with obvious satisfaction. “Are they clean at least?” I asked, leaning over politely to sniff…
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Be Nicer to Your Girlfriend Day

When I first pressed my forehead against hers, I told her she had sad, elephant eyes. She just laughed. Later, I compared her feet to Stompy The Elephant’s and she hit me in the shoulder. “You’re such an asshole,”…
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The Book of Saturdays

The morning is an endless caress. Through half-opened eyelids you look like a soft, mysterious creature, a monkey maybe, and I yearn to touch your skin to make sure you’re real. And then our hearts throb, and our fingers and…
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Kiss Me Purple

Sometimes when I wear pink and you put on your green bandana, I can’t help but grab your hippie self in my arms and try to lick your eyeballs….
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Eating Many Animals At Once

Mornings in London are uniformly exciting. Not only did I get to sprawl naked with Laura on carpeted floors, but we also got to engage in some “committee style cooking.” Greg took over the stove to make fries. Amy…
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We’ve All Been Wondering About Her

“Who is that woman on your desktop?” asked my cubicle buddy, mildly intrigued by her crazed look. “She’s my woman,” I said, eyes suddenly awake with longing. “She’s the woman I wake up every morning missing, and the woman…
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Brief Entry About Gutters

Last time bowling was this much fun was last March. Back then I was getting laid and my scores were astronomical; but last night, with my lover away in a different city, all of my balls ended up in…
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My Name Is Mushy

The only way to top last year’s Anti-Valentine’s Day festivities (cock on a cake), would be to travel all the way to Kashmir for some extravagant card-burning. However, since Kashmir is rather far (and desperately embroiled in religious conflicts), we’ll…
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Those Vertical Things We Sleep On

It’s strange how much time you can spend in bed with someone you like. We got up before 10 on a bright Saturday, and three hours later we were still under the covers. Doing nothing. Just giggling. And now and…
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Something Like Absence

We never talk about important things like anguish and aloneness anymore. For instance, I never told you how the other day I was eating dried fruits in my cube when Cohen came on the radio. He sounded much older than…
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Step Into The River

I sneaked up behind her on the bus platform and grabbed her in my arms. She jumped slightly, but before she could open her lips to scream in surprise I kissed her. She didn’t seem to mind. For a…
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Dance me to the End of Love

It’s been a year since that night when Laura and I first held hands in the dark as Regan told us about robots. A lot of surprising things happen in a year: sad things, happy things, things that filled our…
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The Kiss of a Butterfly

One of the butterflies gently settled on my hand, unfurled its proboscis, and licked me. I didn’t put up much of a fight, so it proceeded to lick me several more times before finally flying away. “You’re as docile…
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Poke, Poke

Sultry flying monkeys! I spent most of the night next to Emily matching nouns to adjectives. She kept distracting me by persistently poking her breasts with the sharp edges of the table; I’ve never seen anybody else do that. She…
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pass it on

Carly isn’t sad anymore, so I claim the torch of sadness as my own. And I can tell you things now, because you don’t know who I am — even though you probably do….
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remember me

We have precious little time, you and I. By you I mean you, not you. You know too much. You have seen things. Things that mustn’t get out. Mustn’t be revealed. You should know, however, that there are forces…
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Lemon Splash

Because it was a snowy day, my Visionary Indian friend and I got together and did what boys usually do on days with too much precipitations: we stripped down to our underwear and dropped lemons in tall glasses of…
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Of Hair

Though I offered to cut her hair several times (and even fondled it with my scissors once while she was sleeping), Laura decided to visit a hair saloon instead. When I met her afterwards, her hair was full of…
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So This Is Christmas (Part II)

After our Christmas dinner, we fed the dog some turkey and its heavy head instantly filled with dreams. Turkey is a dangerous bird, full of lovely feathers and toxic chemicals. I know this because I had a turkey when…
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So This Is Christmas (Part I)

Sometime after the slaughter of swine, Laura came to pick me up so I could spend Christmas Day at her house. “And you can stay the night,” she said excitedly, “as long as you don’t splooge on the couch.” “Deal.”…
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The Fire Sermon

In the darkness and emptiness of the house, I lit small fires and took off my clothes. The winter solistice gives me reasons to burn things. Laura left the city late in the night and without her London feels…
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Every Day is Like Sunday

In the bath, our naked, lustful bodies collided beneath warm water. Soap and caresses. Fingers shiny with wetness. Secrets whispered beneath bubbles. “We should have done this earlier,” I said….
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Pee In a Bottle Day

When the landlords came by this morning with dishwashers and love in their arms, I hid in Laura’s room like a secret lover. They are not supposed to know about my existence, but my bladder was full and Laura…
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Spunk

Alysia only made two simple requests when I started hidding out in her house: don’t spunk on the couch and stop talking about hard-ons. Umm. I’m afraid I violated both of her wishes. You see, the morning was full of…
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Savage, Terrifying Manbeast I Is

It’s funny what you find out after you’ve been with someone for a while: “For weeks I was absolutely terrified of you,” Laura told me over the phone the other day. “Why?” “I still remember that day when you started…
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Practice Every Day

After the passionate shudders, after the sighs whispered in lustful ears, our bodies unclasped and rolled back naked and sweaty to find their boundaries again. We held hands as we regained our breath and dreamed up new adventures. “When…
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Birth and A Little Death

It was my birthday yesterday, and I didn’t just feel older, I felt positively decayed. My parents brought back savage infections from Old Europe (I now blame everything on them), which made my throat ache, my head hurt, and my…
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Man Date

My favourite Visionary Indian Friend will set sail across an ocean on his birthday to visit an ungodly place where they don’t even have affordable internet access. “They’re sending me to Scotland again,” he said. “And I don’t particularly…
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Next Time We’ll Go For The Roots

It’s been a while since we’ve done it, and because it was early in the morning and I was feeling frisky, I said, “Here, let me take off my clothes and you can grab the scissors…I need a haircut,…
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Fans and Summer Nights

The fans on Sherry’s ceiling were spinning like mad creatures. Somehow, after suicide wings and beer the four of us ended up in Sherry’s room, prostrated on her bed. Regan was balancing a bottle of screech rum on his…
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Make up words day

I know Internet Dave mainly through his blog, but last night he came by for scrabble, coffee, and many glasses of wine. Scrabble is the worst board game to play with someone you don’t yet know — it’s a…
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I Am Not Prince Charming

“You know how to charm a girl,” she said after I told her that her new haircut looked like a mullet. “But I like mullets.” “I’m not wearing a mullet,” she said. “I didn’t say you had a mullet —…
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Like God, Chicken is a Flightless Bird

After a group of 13 year olds and their teacher publicly mocked him, Jason Shim finally came to terms with his Asian nature. “I’ve never been happier,” he told us at Morty’s while our mouths were full of chicken…
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A Joke, A Fight, A Kiss in the Night

We went to visit Anna and Mike last night just as a storm gathered overhead. Unfortunately, the rain never came. Instead of ripping off our clothes and dancing naked in Anna’s backyard like the savages we are, the four…
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Talk about Dead Girlfriends Day

About three months ago I was in the library on a sunny Sunday afternoon waiting for Laura’s shift to end. Having nothing better to do, I looked through the bookstacks for something to read, anything. After about five minutes…
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Happy Sounds

I called you up and we talked about the weather. I told you that it was hot and that I was naked in my living room. My body gets hard and brown in the summer heat; yours remains pale year-round….
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Meaty

Regan said, come to my backyard this afternoon … I have booze. Laura and I showed up after sunset with wine and tacky posters taken from liquor stores, which we later spewed on the ground. He fed us meat,…
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It Smelt Like Sweetness and Summer Nights

It was 11 PM on a Sunday when you knocked on your friends’ door seeking refuge and a glass of water. You were tired, happy, and I was holding your hand. Your friends pushed a chair towards you and…
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Fight

And I’ll bury my soul in a scrapbook, With the photographs there, and the moss Laura is moving away at the end of August. She found a house in London and signed the lease; things are becoming definite. Last night…
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Evenings, Afternoons

The night smelled like lilacs and under the blanket we pulled down our pants, our breath heavy and moist with desire. By now, the sun had set and all the kids had gone home to watch television leaving us alone…
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Toronto Again

I got Dave’s message late in the afternoon. “Wanna go to Toronto tonight?” he asked. “There’s a book release party and Trevor should be there.” Half an hour later, we jammed ourselves in Bryn’s station wagon, six of us, and…
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Boys Pee Standing

“I gotta pee,” I said, apologetically. “Me too,” she said softly, kissing me. We were naked in her car, holding each other in the night somewhere on the edge of nowhere. Our eyes were glazed with desire and our breath…
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An Evening in Pictures

It was raining and the city was dying. A power outage threw half of Waterloo in darkness and everything crawled to an impossible stop. “Let’s take sandwich bags,” I said, “and go to the edge of town. I’ll show…
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Move In Day

Today Amy moved into a wonderfully circular apartment. Laura and I showed up late in the afternoon with flowers and wine to inspect it. The place is lovely — Amy even has a wooden, rustic attic that currently sits…
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Beer and Speeches

Immediately after I finished my last exam, Bernard and I rushed down King St. in the rain, weary of missing the brewery tour organized by Student Publications. When I panic I walk faster; to compensate, Bernard slowed his stroll to…
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Girls and Rain

Girls are wonderful and distracting. I was still in my pyjamas, flipping through textbooks Tuesday morning, when Laura showed up — she had just finished her exams and was taking a break from killing spiders. I’ll only finish my…
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Crows and the Flapping of Wings

I was reading on a Sunday afternoon, waiting for Laura to finish her shift, when the crow circled hesitantly above me. He saw me eating my nuts and shook his black wings, cryingon the nearby branches. The crow looked…
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Sewage and Photographs

Laura now has a camera and that she puts to good use. Yesterday we were playing chess at William’s when a nice man stopped by to deliver a package. Inside his inconspicuous box we found a little camera that…
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Good Times Ahead

Your bottle cap said, “There are good times ahead.” I’m not sure it can get much better. For five hours I hung on the edge of an orgasm, arms twitching, eyes shut in abandon, cock and asshole alive and…
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Sunday Supper

I met her parents for the first time this Sunday and managed to spend an entire evening with them without once becoming offensive or taking off my clothes. It wasn’t easy. Around Laura I act outrageously: I swear; I…
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Monoliths

We saw the black monolith in the courtyard of the Institute for Theoretical Physics and decided to trespass. A single beam of sunlight illuminated the slab of dark metal, and we circled the structure slowly, unsure of what to…
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Slap my Ass and Call me Sally

When we met in the evening, her eyelashes were wet and her hands cold. She had been crying in the parking lot about rejection letters and fears. “I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she whimpered. What do…
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Bowling and Spare Keys

My tongue grazed the skin on her neck, sending goosebumps down her spine. I wanted her to stay with me. “But I have to be at work,” she said, her voice faltering. “Don’t go. Let’s spend the day naked…
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You Look Good When You’re Tired

In the morning, my bed smelled like girl, popcorn, and lust. She came by last evening to watch vampire movies, but instead we got naked and giggled in bed for hours. When you’re naked everything’s simpler and more amusing. Her…
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Fridays

“Make me look pretty,” Shirley said. “I have a movie audition and they want my photo.” I made her jump in the courtyard, her hair flowing and wild. “Whee, whee,” she laughed. When she looked pretty enough she gave…
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Risque

My brain was still throbbing from my gruesome stats midterm when I ran into Laura. She kissed me warmly in empty rooms to make the pain disappear and I held on to her as we fell to the floor, my…
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Edible Pornography

Someone decided we should have an anti-Valentine’s Day feast, so last night we gorged ourselves with pornographic sweetness. The wonderful Carly hosted the party, and blogged about it this morning: [Laura’s cake] arrived at my house a normal chocolate…
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Road Trip

In the Raintree Cafe, Laura and I spread the roadmap on the table, locked our fingers together, and made plans for next week. We’ll hijack her parent’s car Tuesday morning and disappear for four days in search of mountains,…
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Because Poems have too many Words

“Stop necking and go check your mailbox,” Alysia said, with a cigarette in her hand. I guiltily untangled myself from Laura’s arms and ran outside in the rain towards the Fred Nichols building. I looked in my mailbox, dripping with…
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Away

Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m doing the best that I can. I know that’s all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? I…
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Music and Hard-ons

Stacey, Stacey, shy Stacey from Nova Scotia flew all the way to Waterloo to see Fame. I shook her hand for five minutes while chattering uncontrollably, delirious to have finally met her. A month ago I was sad, and…
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Fr!nge and Touch

It happened like this: At 7 o’clock the auditorium was packed with beautiful people. This was the first time that all the tickets for Laurier’s Fringe festival sold out. For a few moments I stood at the front of…
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Afternoon

I told Laura that Waterloo was barrels of fun; she didn’t believe me. So I took her on a walk through the park at sunset. It was a warm day and I wasn’t wearing a hat. We ran on…
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Booze and Poetry

Last night I drank four glasses of wine before barging into the girls’ washroom in the Grad Pub. “If anybody comes after me, stop them,” I told Bernard. I wanted to experience the washroom by myself. It was as good…
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Cosmic Bowling Time

On Sunday we bowled on the cosmic lanes for an hour, our faces eerie under the fluorescent lights. Boys knocked shit down with muscular precision, their white t-shirts glowing in the dark. Sherry, who’s not a boy, got an…
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Bowling

Because love is shit, we decided to go bowling at midnight. I’ve never bowled 10 pins before, and neither did Heather, but she excels at everything. Earlier in the evening she destroyed Simon and me in Scrabble, and at the…
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Rust

Rust has a way of eating metal. In the bitter cold of a Saturday morning, I found out it can also fuck up bicycles. My back wheel refused to budge even though I was in a hurry to catch a…
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Thin Ice

In the winter rivers are sheets of ice that crumble beneath your feet. I wanted to do something crazy this Saturday, so I took off my coat and steped onto the the frozen water. The ice groaned, and my…
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Days Before the Pain

The days before tears were filled with laughter. We went to Collingwood to break up. There she taught me a new word and I chanted it in the kitchen while cleaning dishes. “Smagma! Smagma! Smagma!” She laughed uncontrollably, and we…
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Dead

And tonight we she killed the thing in a teary phone conversation. “I can’t be in a relationship right now, but I don’t want to lose you,” she said. Fucking shit. My mind reels and blood rushes painfully to my…
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Happy Fucking New Year

Early in the morning on New Year’s Day I snuggled in bed with a bottle of champagne which I emptied before falling asleep again. Martha found me drunk two hours later and patted my ass. “You drank the whole bottle?”…
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Gifts

Dave, who writes pacifist poems on his blog, was excited this morning when he walked into the Student Pubs office and said, “I got you a Christmas present.” From his pocket emerged a little black button he pilfered from…
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To Martha

Dearest love, my exams are killing me and I am growing a moustache. I want to surprise you with a new face, a sliver of black hiding lips that would kiss you. I secretly believe my moustache will give…
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Tears

People are fragile. On Thursday Jason told me about pain so deep he needed fists-full of aspirin to numb it. His reality exploded and he throbbed in agony. And because I didn’t have any insight to share, I just rubbed…
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Sunday Evening

First there was abandon: shortness of breath … thoughts forgotten … skin seeking skin … tongues and fingers jammed into ears. We swirled on the carpet whispering confessions. Tenderness. Violence. I grabbed her hair and passion widened our eyes. Then…
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Don’t Climb Walls

She doesn’t want to scale buildings in the winter. “Will this be a problem in our relationship?” she asked. “Yes.” I wanted to climb impossible heights with her. But instead of scaling buildings we held hands, ate breakfast, talked about…
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Martha, Wine, and Possibly Grappling Hooks

We’ll rise from bed drenched in desire, our eyes dangerous. “Let’s do something wild,” I’ll say. “I have a grappling hook.” With a bottle of wine in our hands, we’ll climb roofs and freeze. She’ll shiver slightly against me. “Fuck…
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Anarchy on Bloor Street

For that one moment in the middle of the street, we held on to each other and felt revolutionary as though we just reinvented tenderness.
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Dearest Love,

“I want you too,” I’ll say, and give you something silly and sentimental like a heart-shaped leaf.
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Unexpected

I heard of their breakup through their blogs. Shirley wrote about heartache; Jason said it was over. There was crying and anger and I felt like shit but couldn’t say anything. But today, when I saw Jason again, he…
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Toothless

Weekends without Martha are strangely unfulfilling. She had her wisdom teeth removed and called me Saturday to tell me that the drugs they give you make your ass itch. She’s recovering now from the gashes in her jaws and the…
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Sundays

Sundays with Martha are filled with leaps into the air, long walks through empty streets, parks and spaghetti, electrified tongues on naked bellies, uncontrollable giggles… “You give me too much tenderness,” she cried….
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Bridges in Cambridge

Apparently, I managed to shock everyone this Sunday at the Student Publications dinner by not doing anything stupid. “You acted suspiciously normal,” Sherry said, blaming Martha for it. “She held your hand preventing you from flailing your arms and talking…
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Her, Here!

She arrived in town today filled with love and strange urgency. Now she’s sleeping. I want to wake her up and kiss her again, but instead I’m going to crawl in under the covers and hold her for the next…
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Rain Dance

After the rain stopped and we finished our coffee, we walked in the park. Everything was wet and crisp and the sky was saturated with colour. We talked. He seems happier now: he’s creating art and buying flutes; he…
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Cuddling Cocks

To no one’s surprise, as soon as I imbibed some alcohol I fell asleep on a couch cuddling a giant phallus. I didn’t want to go drinking last night, but Bernard brought Nicky along and there was no turning…
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Pissing at Sunset

The Turkey Trot is a Haldenby tradition: after devouring the Thanksgiving bird, everybody goes for a walk clutching satisfied stomachs. Though I’m not a Haldenby, this Sunday I too pulled up my boots and walked through fields at sunset…
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Her Boy Toy

Later, at the dinner table, she made fun of his tenderness, and he laughed again, his eyes moist with bewilderment.
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Martha Show

“Your blog is becoming the Martha show,” Jason said. “I’m afraid that can’t be helped,” I said. Just another day and night until I’ll get to hold her again….
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Pink Letters, Roses and PI

My loves gave me roses, pink love notes, and photos of aprons; because I wanted more they also gave me orgasms over phone lines, hours of conversation, and tours of PI. First, Martha’s letter arrived in the mail, neon…
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Gnomes From Far Away

After tramping around Europe for a month, Simon came back with a ferocious smile and a bagful of goodies. I was so elated to see him again I jumped into his arms in a WLU parking lot and kissed…
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Weak-End

Only five days of class and I’m already exhausted. Last night I was too sleepy to go drinking with Zed even though it’s her birthday and she’s only in Waterloo for another day. Instead, I went home and fell asleep…
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Back Again

Heather was dressed in blue and smiling, having just returned from England full of stories and insights. Five months ago we planned to leave for Europe together and spend the summer working in the SWAP program. Life got in the…
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Morning Smile

Jen noticed the huge grin on my face. “You look happy,” she said. “I just got back from Toronto,” I answered, and she nodded. Jen is wonderfully perceptive. I didn’t have to tell her that I awoke at 6am on…
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Pig Delivery

A dozen gutted pigs hanged from hooks: their faces were still attached and their abdomens were gaping wounds. Without hesitation, the man grabbed two of the pigs and threw them on his shoulders.
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Strange Games We Would Play Then

Toronto changed. The purple room that was once Trevor’s is now Martha’s, and consequently the very the walls are now imbued with tenderness. So after sweat, showers, gasping orgasms, and moving furniture, we ended up in the Red Room drinking…
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How to Instigate Tenderness

Though you reminded yourself not to act like an idiot, you proceeded to spill red wine all over yourself and to molest the family dog
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Wine, Jazz and Psychedelic Dolphins

I told her how intense and wonderful people are — so intense they make me sweat uncontrollably.
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Saturday’s Goodbyes

She made good pillow talk, pausing at the right moments so we could both nod off now and again.
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Friday’s Celebration of Flesh

All of Friday was an intense build-up to our late-night ritual. The morning chats with Zorianna, the lovely breakfast on a patio, the abortive attempts to contact Martha, all linked together like glass beads in a necklace to create…
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Thursday and the Zorianna Effect

The cocks felt pleasantly rigid in my hand, and I tried to make them all wabble by touching their tips, clumsily knocking some on the floor.
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Wednesday

I didn’t tell him about the sandwich still in my pocket and she didn’t say anything about the chocolates in her purse, which we ate while watching a movie in the dark.
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Paradise Lake

Because I didn’t know how to reach her I was cruel to her, the way boys sometimes are, and my cruelty broke something inside her, a piece of her soul, and she was no longer the same.
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Toronto in Slices

“We got naked with your sister on an island!” I screamed at his answering machine. “Where were you?!”
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Madder Than You

Tina is saintly. She forgave my trespasses (I once wanted to eat her pet), and today she smilingly endured hours of ceaseless raving after I gulped down two cups of coffee and started talking about lost loves. “That girl sent…
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Pretending to be Cohen

Zorianna’s asleep next door and I’m wild with excitement. She arrived in town at sunset, and we wandered through Kitchener at night laughing wildly, until we ended up in the park with a bottle of wine between our legs….
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Synchronicity

At exactly 9:13 pm, I picked up my phone and dialled Zorianna’s number, unaware that she was doing exactly the same. Neither of our phones rang, yet there we were, magically connected, which resulted in utter confusion and silence…
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Orange Hunchback

My Visionary Indian friend parked his new car out front, and smiling childishly came inside. “You room smells like ass,” he said grinning, and when I opened my window I saw his orange cat of a car on the street…
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All of my Loves

All of my loves returned into my life at once, bringing with them visions and wet dreams. My day was filled with Trevor who in a spasm of agony gave me a picture from Asia, my name in block…
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Shades of Yellow

“There’s a difference between having a personality and having a pathology,” I said, trying to convince myself that I’m sane.
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Caffeinated Brilliance

For three hours I sat by the window in Cafe 1842 drinking coffee from a large and oddly triangular cup and reading the Tropic of Cancer. The words and the aromas made my brain whirl with ideas and excitement….
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Bowling

Flushed with inspiration, I paused in the middle of our second game, my ball suspended in the air, to reveal that bowling is the most dramatic game ever invented. “It’s just like a Greek tragedy,” I told Simon and Heather…
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Ass in the Breeze

When the stick no longer touched the murky bottom, I deeply regretted not investing in a pair of paddles.
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Send Katie to the Stag Shop Day

I took three wrong turns in quick succession to end up in the right place — the intersection Katie West was just crossing on her way uptown. She waved, but since I didn’t have my glasses on (again), I didn’t…
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Trust

I met Jason yesterday to drop off my old camera. The day was overcast, and his house looked dreary without the sunflowers that grow on his porch during the summer. But Jason looked mystical and good as he welcomed me…
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Destruction by Fire

I must have been embarrassingly drunk when I stumbled out of the bar last night. Tunde wrote me an email today telling me that I forgot to pay for my $14 bottle of wine. She picked up the bar tab…
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Revenge

The revenge plan was nearly perfect. To ruin Brian’s evening for all the nasty things he’s done I simply had to show up at the Student Publications’ dinner armed with Heather. I expected Brian, who used to date her,…
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Shoeless

I biked in the rain yesterday and arrived at school wet and breathless to find Trevor crouched at the top of the stairs, waiting to see Dr. Faflak. “You need to come see me,” he told Trevor earlier, so I…
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Crazy Talk

For over a week Brian has been running around telling everyone that I’m mad. “I wouldn’t trust Tudor. He’s not stable,” he says, explaining that I meet all of the diagnostics criteria for the Antisocial Personality Disorder. Brian’s lack of…
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Cradle of Flesh

The campus security caught him, disliked his man-nipples, and asked him to leave the premises for the night.
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Bitter Mixed with Random

I was bitter as fuck this morning — yesterday’s intensely personal discussion about nakedness got on my nerves and the comments I received overnight didn’t exactly put a smile on my face either. Banning people didn’t improve my mood much…
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Fruit Salad

Heather was eating her fruit salad when I tried to show her my nipples, but she winced and averted her eyes once I lifted my shirt. Trevor and I ran into her today while I was scratching his ear with…
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Magic is Alive

Random events subtly join to unleash beauty. Since my piercing I’ve been gloomy as fuck — that needle ripping through living tissue deflated me utterly. I slumbered away the last few days, rolled up into a ball of sensitivity. It…
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Until my Voice Grew Shrill

Do all ad hominem arguments backfire miserably? I was peacefully drinking my tea in Kathy’s room when the silly discussion started. Heather and Bernard were talking about crime, and the more I listened the more irritated I became. Their discussion…
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Slave Driver

Katie West twisted my arm before tonight’s Student Publications bowling tournament. “I need you to write a story by Tuesday,” she said. Her hands were warm, sensual. “No,” I whimpered as she twisted my arm some more. “Auch! Fine, Tuesday…
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Blanket

“Girls smell sublime!” I thought as I untangled myself from Heather’s blanket in the morning. I awoke feeling warm and dreamy, and if it wasn’t for Alysia’s voice filling up the gaps between slumber and reality, I would have…
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Cunt

Heather laughed as she handed me a blanket and a tube of toothpaste. “You’re a university hobo,” she said when I told her that I’m spending the night on campus to finish up some work before tomorrow’s 8 am emergency…
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Moaning for Faflak

Around Trevor words are jabbed, not spoken, and sentences are screamed violently. “Dr. Faflak is going away,” Trevor screamed at me last week. His words sounded like thunder, deadly. Apparently, Faflak wants to get away from Laurier and from the…
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Bleeding

Fraser grabbed me when we got off stage and humped my leg violently while holding me against a wall.
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Day in Fragments

It was her eyes that convinced Jeff to lay flat across our three pairs of knees as we rolled up his shirt to see his nipples.
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Stay Calm

Early this evening, Kristine and I jumped on a bus and traveled half way across the city to interview The Home Team, a Canadian Indie rock band currently touring in Southern Ontario. We met them in the Circus Room before…
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Something in the Air

Running Late Yesterday at 6 o’clock in the evening I rushed outside with two bananas in my hand. I waited until 6pm just to be sure I’ll be late for my 6:30 meeting with Heather — the walk from my…
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How to Please Tudor

She reached out and pealed two words off my body, tenderly affixing them to her left breast: nipple, lick.
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Sugar

In my pockets this morning I found a plastic spoon and two bags of sugar among more mundane objects like crumpled napkins, keys, and receipts. I stopped using sugar and utensils seven months ago. Puzzled, I held the fragile…
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Ease even to the Sole of my Feet

Katie and I took off our shoes during yesterday’s fringe rehearsal and measured our feet against each other. My sole felt incredibly warm as I pressed it against hers, and I smiled. Her feet, it seems, are nearly as big…
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Got a Heart

With surprising dexterity, Katie shaped me a heart out of the sports page of The Star at Friday’s Fringe rehersal. I now have a newspaper heart, which, I must say, is the coolest thing ever….
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Swallow

Laughing with a mouth full of marshmallows is painful, and last night I hated Jason for being too damn funny while I was struggling to control my body. Convulsing with laughter and drooling all over myself, I tried telling…
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Pussies in Heat

While sipping my tea I thought how wonderful and kind it would be to start masturbating all the cats in heat I come across.
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Quest

I got on my bike last night and made my way to the edge of town to gather gifts of darkness for Heather. It was colder than hell at 2:30 in the morning, but I was prepared: I had a…
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Breeding Monsters

I asked three of my friend to help me change my image, and last night we started playing with chains and hair gel. Heather brought hair-styling products to transform me into something more presentable, but Fraser and Shrish had…
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Cool Shades

Fraser inspired me to get a pair of sunglasses and to wear them indoors at night. The shades look fantastic especially when I’m all decked out in black, and tonight everybody wanted to try them out. In small ways,…
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Christmas Rhythm

David phoned me yesterday morning and asked me if I wanted to go carolling at a local radio station. My singing strikes fear in the hearts of men, but because I wasn’t yet awake when he called I actually said…
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White Nights

Her arguments made me shiver and I had no choice but to alternately caress and punch Ryan who was sitting between us.
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Let Him have Cake

Three days ago he promised the doctor that he would hurt me and himself in all sorts of vicious ways and that’s when they decided to sequester him.
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I will make you hurt

Sometimes I write things that make people want to kill themselves. My close friend called me this evening from the psychiatric ward of the Grand River hospital where he was escorted this morning full of yearnings for death. Last night…
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Drink In

I looked in my pocket this morning to find a brief history of Heather written on a crumpled napkin. “Saint John is Heather’s home city … born in Medicine Hat, raised in Saint John … not all Saint Johners drink…
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Elephant

Trevor offered me a cigarette this evening, and I accepted even though I quit smoking after grade two. “You know you’re killing me,” I told him laughing as he took turns lighting our cigarettes. I took puffs of smoke…
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The Man with the Third Nipple

Getting up late this morning, I pumped myself full of caffeine and read Chaucer for a while. I tried in vain to finish some of my readings last night — after spending a lovely evening with some friends I…
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Dancing Away

The girl was electric on the dance floor as her brilliant eyes and smiles compelled my body to match her rhythm. Our bodies moved in strange unison, touching and gently colliding, eyes, hands and loins alive and burning with…
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Foreign Occupation

Somebody underlined Sigmund Freud on the first page of the book I bought from Jason. I started reading it yesterday to get away from the dozen American who have occupied my house. Because of the American long weekend I’ll spend…
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Conspiracy Centre

Insurgents on campus seem to be naturally drawn to concourse area: the same suspicious characters sprawl on the same couches day after day. And today I joined them as they shared their disappointment that Georgia’s president did not deliver…
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The Urge to Fly

Last night I was about to jump naked in a freezing lake for 20 dollars when Fraser forcefully dragged away from the water. Jumping into the lake would have been a wonderful climax to a simply astounding day: I…
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It’s All About Performance

I’m going to FR!NGE myself! Laurier’s annual Fringe Festival brings together many edgy and wonderfully talented people, and this year I’ll get to take part in this artistic orgy. I’ll be an idealistic revolutionary who confronts capitalist pigs in my…
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Beautiful Losers

Dead fucking last. It takes a while for failure to sink in. After 12 hours of sleep I’m still not quite sure what happened at McMaster, but now that I’m a bit more awake I can begin to make…
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Lighten Up

Before our last round of debating at McMaster, my partner Brian and I were talking with the judge about a frivolous equity complain made earlier in the day. “People need to lighten up,” our judge said. He regretted his words…
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Animated Tea

Tea with Amy was wonderfully animated, mainly because I had way too much coffee today. Twice I asked the Tim Horton’s ladies for some hot tea, and twice they served me coffee instead (this is what I have to put…
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Visionary Indian Angels

My friend is a visionary indian angel daily drifting further away from reality “with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares.” He writes random poems to random strangers and recoils deep within his mind. At least he still has a mind;…
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