A Little 2640km Ride

So I packed Ryder in a shiny purple bag and snaked across the border for a few weeks. I wanted to take it easy for a while, but then EVERYTHINGHAPPENEDATONCE: I … Grew a beard. Lived in the woods….
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New Spaces

The new place lacks a shower. Entirely. The kitchen faucet leaks and the stove won’t turn on. The fan in the windowless bathroom does not work. But the apartment makes up for all of its shortcomings by having glorious…
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On the move

Despite all my tough talk about using spreadsheets to track everything from how often the dog poops to how much radishes cost at the corner store, I make most of my decisions by stumbling around blindly and grasping at things….
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I See Dead People

Sarah came for a visit. So naturally we spent an entire weekend looking at dead people in Toronto. (Narrated by Harrison Ford pretending to be an archeologist.) Ugh. Gross. I know. But on the up side, we also saw…
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Sometimes a Pillow is just a Pillow, just not this time

Did I ever mention that I went off to Chatham at the beginning of August to photograph this totally awesome wedding? And that I got to share a shag-carpeted, fuzzy-pillowed room with Jason? And that the morning after, still drunk…
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Wet Dogs of Summer

This week I finally managed to pack up the fur kids in the car and take off for a day at the beach. And not just any beach. Oh, no. When you have two monsters with teeth that poop…
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North Bay is Crazy Town

Laura is going away in a few weeks, leaving me alone with two furry monsters. She’s starting school at Nipissing in the fall, but first she’s going on a whirlwind world tour. So the long weekend was our only…
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Icy Erie

Every winter the dog and I go on a road trip to lake Erie. Last winter started off mildly, so by the time we made it to the lake right after Christmas the waters were still unfrozen (bummer). But…
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A Year of Lovely Recessionary Dreams

Oh my! A whole year went by and our little recession that started in 2008 as a tiny whimper of anxiety has now blossomed into a strapping young thing. It makes one proud. Thanks to the awesomeness of economic recoupling,…
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Trips To Oceans and Far Away Places

Road trips are awesome. They bring out the best in me: excitement, vomit, honking, tent making, soup boiling, infrequent showering. Despite all this, this year Laura, the puppy and I made it to the ocean and back. Alive. Oh…
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We are now particularly fond of sunhats

We spent the last weekend at the SARS cottage, buried deep in the moist crevices of Beaver Valley. Sounds enticing, doesn’t it? Well, it was — a whole weekend filled with puppies, frisbees, and mornings naked in tents. And…
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Alma College Fire

Alma College in St. Thomas burned to the ground today, which is sad, sad, sad. The once imposing Victorian building sat abandoned since the 1980’s, and lately it became a wonderful place to explore. We went there often, each…
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I was sure this time we were ready

So I said, “Remember how we camped out in Elora on the May long weekend years ago and simply froze to death in the rain? Wanna do it again this year?” She said, “Not really.” “It will be awesome,”…
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Spring, eh?

Hey — it’s another glorious spring. Between the snow squalls and the freezing temperatures, the only thing that’s blooming right now is my nose. I’ve got this huge pimple, you see. It’s angryred and makes my already prodigious nose…
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Nuit Blanche

Oh hey! Guess what? Laura and I left the puppy at home for an evening and went down to Nuit Blanche Saturday night. We kinda chose to forget what an awful mindfuck of an evening that turned out to…
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Now this is awesome

Google just made it ridiculously easy to embed maps: View Larger Map…
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How to Tramp Around for a Week

Say that you have a week to travel around the province with your puppy and your girl. Then this is what you should do: Head east and caress cocks in Utopia (hint, Sherry has a large collection of cocks of…
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Back with Injured Puppy Paws

We returned home after spending a week in strange cities with an injured puppy in our laps. While in Montreal, the puppy decided it would be a good idea to slash the arteries in her paw on a broken…
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We’ll Map Everything

Google maps is pretty neat. They not only launched the whole “drag the blue line to change your route” thing (you got to try it to see), but more importantly, they made it ridiculously easy to map anything you want….
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And So, the New Year Snaked Its Way Into Our Hearts

The traffic jam on the 401 stretched back for miles. Cars slithered across the wet asphalt in the spastic, angry glow of break-lights. All this was to be expected — traffic is always monstrous in Toronto. But the following…
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Cambridge is so Different without its Tall Statues

Martin, Suz and I shared a surreal breakfast in Cambridge: church basements filled with checkered tables; grannies serving apple cider and dumplings; lonely men demanding plastic bags. “Fucking fuck I need a fucking shopping!” The grannies had no choice…
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One of Those Days When The Whole World Smells Like Rich, Rotting Meat

On a November day with endless, blue skies, my Visionary Indian Friend and I disappeared in the hills near Milton. The forest smelled like decay and charred meat, and we talked about girls and sorrow. He told me what…
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We Rubbed Our Flesh Against Concrete Walls To Feel Desolation

We make it our job to act suspicious. Thus, on a misty Sunday morning in October, we loaded our gear in the back of my van, blasted Christian rock on the radio, and took off down the highway towards…
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Where Laura Enjoys a Communal, Scholarly Fuckfest

Laura graduated last Friday from her Master of Arts program. The ceremony itself was like every other graduation ceremony I’ve ever seen: it was joyless, full of self-congratulatory speeches and funny hats. The only redeeming part of the whole…
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Man With No Pants And Big Lenses

As it turns out, the City of Kitchener builds surprisingly solid chain-linked fences. Thus, the eight-feet tall monstrosity they planted around the Kiwanis swimming pool in the name of public safety proved to be a bitch to climb. It…
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Abandoned Places Phone No One

When my van broke down for the 5th time in a row last month, I spent three long hours in a cornfield near Highway 7 wondering why the telephone wires leading into the nearby farmhouse were cut. I couldn’t…
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A Mouthful of Petals

It rained heavily all afternoon. The constant rapping of rain on window panes made us listless and hungry. Thus, we armed ourselves with umbrellas and went out to wade through rivers in search of edible plants, which we found…
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Hillside Festival Felt Mildly Orgasmic On A Saturday Afternoon

Hillside Festival this year consisted of sweat and throbbing in the sunlight … thirst for coffee and beer … bodies colliding at awkward angles … hipsters and other dangerous creatures fornicating on green grass … stories of birth and…
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Bruises, Nakedness and Magic on the Saugeen

Before jumping into a canoe with Paul and paddling down the Saugeen, I decided to smash my elbows and knees against the sharp rocks of the riverbed. Scars make me look manly. Twitching with pain, I covered my fresh…
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Elvis Cruises Down King St.

Friday night was Cruise Night in downtown Kitchener, the annual event where 300 old cars circle around the city, making downtown streets resemble used car lots. This year, aside from cars, Cruise Night also featured medieval soldiers and tiny…
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Those Weirdos Have Cameras!

The whole photography class went out to Rockwood on a grey, lifeless Sunday. Simon and I were groggy and gorgeous after train rides and dreams of abandoned places, so we spent most of the morning hiding in the woods…
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Alma! Hunted Alma!

The Alma College for Ladies sits abandoned in all its imposing Victorian glory on a forgotten residential street in the middle of St. Thomas. Like all abandoned buildings, Alma College is also haunted by ghost, vagrants, and photographers. We…
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Trains Jolt Pants For Greater Happiness

Walking through St. Thomas on sweltering Saturday afternoon feels like a slow, passionate mindfuck. This feeling is not caused solely by the miles of rusty railway that cut through the landscape but lead nowhere — St. Thomas is after…
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Not Pie

That weekend when everyone went away to Corwin’s cottage to eat his mom’s raspberry pie, I stayed behind in the city where I not only sang karaoke, but I also took 973 photos at Laubach’s annual literacy conference. Last…
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Library Love

In the middle of London’s public library, her eyes got moist and soft. “I love this library,” she said. “I love these rows of books and the way the building stands right here in the middle of everything, so…
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Love is War

After surviving her sneaky tank attack, I trapped Laura in a giant sausage in the middle of London. She seemed happy about that….
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The Future Waits

Laura and I have been thinking of shacking up together in Guelph. Today I found a place that has everything we need: a roof, a sink, and penis. We, wild children of the suburbs, will learn to plant flowers…
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Birdlike Things

Stratford filled our bellies with drama and wailing. After a show that made us tremble with humanity, we roared through the city fearsome and constipated, doing the kinds of things fearsome and constipated people do. Mainly, we pretended to…
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My Cold, Dead Hand

After spending a whole weekend in Stratford, Laura and I discovered that Shakespeare is a robot, and we were immediately stunned into polite silence….
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Nakedness and a Little Death

The diner in Wallacetown makes its coffee strong and serves it with a dash of bitterness instead of cream. We drank enough of it to make our eyeballs and hands jitter spastically, madly content with the fullness of our…
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Swamp Creatures Stalk Herons

My Visionary Indian Friend found out where the great blue herons hang out, and called me excitedly. “I’ll pick you up in five minutes,” he said. “We’ll need to use your rubber dinghy.” Half-an-hour later we arrived on the…
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Know This: Fireworks Smell Like The Farts Of A Thousand Angels

I told her about nights filled with daring, booze-fuelled explosions. “After Bryan finished consuming a prodigious amount of alcohol on Dave’s patio, he loaded his backpack with fireworks and beer. I put a lighter in my pocket and we…
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Places of Anguish and Boredom

For the first time since Doors Open began, Ontario Place opened its insides to the gaze of the unwashed masses, geodesic domes and all. I’ve never been to Ontario Place before, and the youthful exuberance of the place surprised…
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From Tents to Nunneries In the Rain

The night was crazy-cold, so we huddled together in the same sleeping bag, her cold nose pressed against my shoulder. Despite the darkness and the rain falling on our tent, our camping adventure seemed romantic as hell. “I want…
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Canoeing the Maitland (Part II)

The good morning comes like a hit and run With a marmalade sun for everyone. (Collett) The knock on the door came at 6am, crisp and metallic. I awoke disoriented in a room full of posters of naked men,…
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Canoeing the Maitland (Part I)

I was chomping down a mermaid sandwich at the Raintree Cafe when Paul brought up the idea of canoeing down the Maitland. “Everyone backed out on me,” he said, slouching his shoulders slightly. I took another mouthful of my…
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The Future Will Consist of Lofts And Rich Pricks

Attila and I crept up the stairs of the old Bauer factory with our cameras shaking slightly in our hands. Trespassing is exhilarating, especially when you get to see industrial settings being ripped apart to accommodate luxury lofts. We…
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Love, Poop And Chuck Norris in The Park

After breakfast, they both put on the anniversary shirts they got from the internet to celebrate two years of tenderness. Sherry’s shirt said, “When the Boogie Man goes to sleep, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris.” Regan’s…
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Elmira is Sappy

Like 40,000 other people, we had the bright idea of invading Elmira’s Maple Syrup Festival just before noon on Saturday, completely unprepared for the cold weather. The wind was brisk and none of us wore enough layers. Consequently, we…
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Cities Made of Ashes

We come up with the best plans for the future when we’re naked and shivering slightly. “Let’s move to another city together,” I whispered, arms wrapped around her back. “First show me what Guelph looks like,” she said, kissing me…
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Last Night I Found Ways To Scrub Souls

Bathtubs are places of wonder, and not just because they can so easily accommodate the broken shards of other people’s lives. Rather, they do something to us, they please our organic tissues in ways that soap and water alone…
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Is the Grisly Reaper Mowing?

The drive home from London was tough, and not just because my legs trembled with the muscular memory of too many orgasms. The weather was hell. A million snow squalls danced throughout the land, ripping away asphalt and replacing…
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Cock. Mayonnaise.

London. That’s where the all the women are hiding. Like well-groomed barbarians, Regan and I invaded the city Friday afternoon to find Laura hiding from essays in her room and Sherry hiding in a purple bathrobe. Consequently, the weekend consisted…
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Insecticide

We were simply thawing our frozen appendages by pouring scalding liquids over them when we were suddenly transformed into monstrous insects. “I didn’t think tea could do this to a man,” I expressed by rapidly gyrating my wings. “Maybe…
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Tastes Like Childhood

A few weeks ago, Laura told me about Christmas as we lay in bed, her eyes moist with tenderness. “It’s not the crass commercial aspects that I like, but that feeling of togetherness … family … lights … watching…
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Technical Interview Day

Today I put on my fancy suit and rode down to Guelph for an interview. They’re hiring technical writers down there, and I always wanted to be able to say, “Hey baby, I’m a writer.” I’m excited about the job,…
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Scenes From The City: Cops and Cabs

They tried to maim me like this: Night. Rain. At midnight London’s streets are wrapped in long slivers of wet light, pieces of fabric stolen from dreams. The bars are open and ten thousand boys and girls descend upon…
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Scenes From The City (Part II)

You know the city you live in is bizarro when the story of Mr. Ristic dominates London’s front pages for days. In 2002 Mr. Ristic put on this tinfoil shit and duct-tape jacket and then proceeded to hit his neighbour…
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Scenes From The City

In grey cubicles, young men talk softly into phones. Problems. Everyone has them. And I go home late at night and sleep late into the day, drained of energy and words. Sleep. I sleep on couches and divans, naked and…
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Scattered

The morning found us scattered across the land: Carly in St. Catherines eating bagels, Dave in London chasing buses, Corwin in Guelph sleeping on cold floors, and me in Kitchener shaving my armpits. But by two o’clock the four of…
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Boats on Windy Days

The wind was overwhelming and the rain clouds followed us all the way to the top of the mountain. So once we reached the summit and gloried in our splendour, we jumped down the hills again, tumbling in the…
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Oktoberfest

Thanksgivings has always been lower on my list of priorities than the Oktoberfest. I don’t like dead birds. Or pilgrims. Besides, who in their right mind can resist beer, funny pants, and dead pigs rolled into juicy sausages? Since…
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That Place With Metal Bums

London, Ontario is a shitty place. However, it has three things I dig: graffiti, rhino bums, and Laura. So naturally I want to be there — I even got a job when I was in London earlier this week….
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Fix It Up In An Orange Shirt

It all started with a simple suggestion on a morning gorged with kisses, sleep, and arguments. “How about you inflate your bike tires, Laura?” Those words once spoken expanded outwards until they were finally swallowed up by other words as…
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Out There Where The Wind Hollers

Before cities can sprawl, the land has to be made barren. And because Kitchener is constantly growing, one day in the early spring a dozen bulldozers showed up in the fields near my house. Within a few days they…
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The Secret Cabal of Bacteria

Two days ago I went to see Anna and Mike, who moved in together and immediately decided to paint the walls of their apartment in vibrant yellows and reds. “I couldn’t find any booze at this hour,” I told Anna,…
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A Collage From A Nearby Place

“London is pretty on a sunny day,” Erin said when she came by one afternoon to show us the city. We believed her because she makes awesome handbags in her spare time. She also grew up in London and…
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Back? Already?

Laura and I ran to the Greyhound station early this morning. It was a long run. The city was still covered in fog and our bodies were dripping sweat that tasted as sweet as the dew. When my bus came,…
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This Is A Story About Islands And Wine

Whenever I worry about something, I run away. On Friday, Waterloo made me feel wary and old, so I bought a Greyhound ticket, and smiled violently all the way to Toronto. There, I not only found out all that…
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Cats

I’ll tell you this — cats are ferocious fucks especially at night. I found this out at 3:25 a.m. on Saturday morning while sleeping on Craig’s couch. That’s when Gogo (the black kitty) gently bit into my left ear…
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Let’s Talk of Medieval Terrors

That summer when we just met, we drove for almost an entire day to reach Virginia Tech’s campus, a strange place tucked away in the middle of the Appalachian forests, surrounded only by mountains, bars, and tattoo parlours. Aside from…
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It’s What’s On Tap

Because I knew few of the people at Opal’s house cooling party, I quietly snuck into her bathroom to take pictures of her taps. I’m shy like that, and her bathroom is a thing of beauty. “It’s the only…
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You Forgot Some Tenderness Behind

We arrived in London early in the morning, and for nearly eleven hours we scrubbed hardwood floors, cleaned cupboards, and got naked in empty rooms. Laura’s new house and my entire body started to smell like bleach after a…
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Monday, London Time

You said that you’ve had enough of this shit, that you’re taking your dishes and moving to London. I said that I’m coming with you. So on a bright Monday morning, I got in your car with your porcelain…
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Fisheye Stratford

All good stories should begin like this: After dancing naked with Laura in my kitchen all morning long, I got on my bike and went to see Amy in Stratford … Then, things should go to shit for the main…
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Reality Manipulation In Victora Park

“5:30,” Opal said. “In front of the overgrown clock.” The afternoon sun was gleaming brightly on our reality-manipulation devices when the three of us (Opal, Martin, and I) approached the clock tower in Victoria Park from different directions. For…
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Hillside (Again)

It all started on Friday evening. We hastily shoved food in our bellies and then leaped out of my front door towards Guelph with watermelons in our hands. “We’re going to the Hillside Festival,” I said to no one…
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Fairies Battle Banality

Last night I told Laura I was going to be on Martin’s radio show and she offered to drive me to the station. The trip there was almost as memorable as the show itself — we nearly wrecked her…
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City on a River

Show me how to hold my head in the rain and I’ll teach you to weep. Via Rail dropped me off in Windsor on a day with too many clouds; I threw my knapsack over my shoulder and started…
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Here There Monsters Be

The morning was hot and my crotch was sweaty — I’m not yet used to this infernal burst of summer and on most days I feel as though my insides are melting. And when your insides are melting, there’s…
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And We Saw the City Washed in Acid Rain

On Sunday, the streets of Toronto slowly dissolved into a mist of fever and pain. The morning started out fine… We nodded our heads to jazz at the Distillery and played with props at one of the theatrical companies…
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Saturday in Toronto

This is a story about the weekend. If you need it, you can find a connecting piece. We awoke in a strange house after four hours of sleep to the sound of girls giggling upstairs. Garage sale. For cancer. Cancer…
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Sore Throats in Toronto

I awoke Friday morning with a sore throat and an ache to leave the city. By the time I finished breakfast Laura was on my doorsteps dressed in stripes and smiling. “Let’s go to Toronto,” she said. I told…
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The Meeting Place

In five hours Laura and I will be in Toronto to see Trevor paint Myths at digifest, to wander through ancient buildings during Doors Open Toronto, and to hear Jazz at the Distillery. This weekend the city will be packed…
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Photograph the Dog on a Red Porch

First, there was steamy sex in the shower on a Sunday morning. Then we got in her car, the girl, the dog, and I, and drove towards the lakeshore. The dog was breathing heavily and I was sleepy. Somehow…
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Choo-Choo

The railway lines that wind their way by my house and disappear into the nearby hills eventually end up in Laura’s city. Seventeen kilometres of steel rails and wooden ties connect our houses, and the trains that whiz by…
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A Dog on a Road Trip

Back when I still had all of my teeth, Laura and I ate eggs in the morning and then took off for Toronto in her car to fix cameras and find blue lakes. “I don’t know what to do…
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Laura in Elora

more … The morning was shitty — Laura had a headache and her swively camera was slowly grinding itself into non-existence. She was chocked-up with sorrow; I was overbearing, monstrous. “Just take me to Elora,” I demanded, waving her…
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Mud and Shoes

We walked through muddy fields and hopped fences to find train tracks, wires, cables, and metal glimmering in the sunset. The fields were vibrant with colour and her hair sparkled with hints of red. We took photos of twisted…
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London and Rain

Despite drowning it in booze on Saturday, one of my wisdom teeth decided to get infected: it swelled, it bled, and it made me droll all over myself. Sunday morning my mouth was alive with pain and twitching. My…
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A Mouthful of Death

When he came back from Scotland, we went for a walk on the edge of town (me in my rubber boots) and he told me to hate people. “There are lots of competitive assholes out there,” he said, “destroying…
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Rubber Boots and Hot Ass

When the mood strikes me, I can be romantic as fuck: “Wanna go down to the river and pick up garbage on a Saturday afternoon?” I asked. “You’re crazy,” she said looking at me strangely. I thought she’ll finally…
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On the Road (Part III)

The mirror in Zed’s room stands rather indecently at the foot of her bed. Thus, after softly kissing Laura’s belly in the morning, I looked behind me to catch a glimpse of my naked butt reflected in Zed’s mirror….
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On the Road (Part II)

A single sunbeam sneaked through the curtains, cold and bright, throwing light on our wrinkled and sweaty bed. Our eyes blinked with recognition and our bodies softly awakened seeking caresses and human warmth: hands grasped flesh under bed sheets;…
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On the Road (Part I)

After four exhilarating days on the road, I got home last night and unpacked my bags, throwing everything on the floor. My bedroom became a swirling mess of toys, tapes, water bottles, jeans, cum-stained underwear, memories… Laura hijacked her…
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Back Home

Our mad dash from Tobermory to St. Catharines was intense: wilderness, asphalt, sleepless nights, St. Catharines, booze, and sardines. Wonders! I need to sleep for a really long time. Pictures from the trip are now online; I’ll tell you…
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Image Saturation

Once, while she read Beautiful Losers, a man sat behind her and whispered “cunt” in her ear for endless minutes. Endearing.
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Resistance in Guelph

I went on the road this morning to find Canada, but instead I found only endless fields and suburbs extending from here to Guelph and beyond. The asphalt was a dark, searing thing where animals come in droves to…
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Signage & Waterfalls

“Let’s just drop everything and head out of town,” he said at noon. I dashed madly into the kitchen to pack two sandwiches before jumping in his orange hunchback and speeding towards Inglis Falls. And three hours later we…
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Toronto (Again)

Wednesday morning, already in Toronto, and still no word from Trevor, even though I’m supposed to spend the night at his place. I don’t even know if the fucker is alive anymore. He’s increasingly becoming a Christ-like figure, talking to…
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A River, A Bridge, A Train

Last evening, after the storm ended, my friend and I headed towards St. Jacobs to watch the river. On summer days the Conestogo flows stupidly and placidly through the village, but yesterday it became a furious, muddy thing that…
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Eat These Nuts

For an entire month, my diet will consist entirely of nuts. I’ll shove handfuls of nuts in my pockets on July 15 and then jump on my bicycle and pedal 2000km around Ontario, going through Sarnia and Point Pelee and…
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Parkade Gargoyles

I love people who search for meaning in those things I don’t understand, things which magically fit together to create a whole.
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Dreamboat

I shoved two bananas into my pockets as we ran to the river half-naked and eager to flow with the currents.
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Mind of Pure Machinery

Kitchener is depressing in the rain. The factories that line the main streets are gloomy when wet, their heaviness pressing down on the passersby who slump their shoulders awkwardly. Stolid and mechanical, Kitchener has a monstrous, mechanical soul and…
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A Walk in the Park

The day was windy and sunny, so I cancelled my last ClubLaurier interview and walked down to the park to take pictures of the stream. A black coffee mug was suspended in a branch above the current, so I…
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Ways to Fly

On wobbly knees I leaned over the precipice and shouted, “What do you do when you’re on top of the world?” A hundred feet beneath me the river billowed through the gorge with a deafening sound. I was alone…
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Gone

My bags are packed and in 10 minutes I’m leaving for the debating Central Championships at McMaster. This is going to be big, and I’m truly looking forward to the tournament even though I’m terribly unprepared. As always, my partner…
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