How to Drive to Breakfast

Even the simplest act, like driving over to get breakfast from a greasy dinner on a Sunday morning, can be full of adventure, madness! You just have to make sure you’re fully prepared. The preparations should start the night…
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How To Get Dog Pee On Your Hands

Your dog is peeing more than usual. Every couple of feet she squats down and leaves another red puddle on the ground. “Wait a second,” you say. “Pee isn’t supposed to be red!” So you call your vet who tells…
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How To Sell Pretty Much Anything

It really doesn’t matter what you’re selling (in this case I’m selling my camera), but you should totally overuse sex. Just make sure it’s safe sex….
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How To Terrify Internet Strangers

It’s bad enough when Wikipedia has this to say about your fetish: In “realistic” (non-supernatural) horror, the presence of mannequins or mannequin parts can be a visual cue for insanity, particularly insanity of a violent nature. Examples of this include…
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How To Lose Your Glasses

It’s surprisingly easy to lose your glasses. All you have to do is take your puppy on a long walk through the forest on one of those winter days when the sun is shining and everything sparkles. Frolic with…
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March

Today was one of those March days full of blinding sunlight and nippin winds that make you wonder what to do with your hat and mittens. “Do I kept them on? Do I take them off? Where have I…
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How to Climb Mountains

On a brisk autumn morning, get into your car and drive to the foot of a nearby mountain. Like most mountains in the modern world, this one too should be domesticated: ski trails should snail their way towards the…
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How To Make Coffee

Wake up early on a bright August morning, limbs wrapped around your lover’s naked body. The bed will smell like warmth and memories, her skin will taste like kisses, and eventually even the tips of your fingers will burn…
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How To Move Things

So you want to know how to move to a new apartment, eh? Start with some empty cardboard boxes. Two dozen will do. Place them on your bed, one at the time, and fill them with your crumpled underwear, books,…
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How To Get Nowhere Fast

If you’re ever locked out of your car in front of the best gas station ever (the place that has showers, restaurants, truckers, televisions, and cheap gas), blame it on Laura. You still get flustered whenever she makes out with…
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How To Cuddle

After the sweat and the orgasms, when your naked body tingles all over and you purr in her arms like a shameless cat, turn your head slightly and look into her eyes with a crazy smile on your face. “What…
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how to write bad poetry

Now we can’t all go swiftly mad and buy a box of miscellaneous electronic parts at Radio Shack sweat and bleed and laugh maniacally in our basements and build our own machines that write bad poetry. It sounds fun but…
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How To Cook Pasta And Talk Nonsense

When you’re finally alone with her in the kitchen, rip each other’s clothes off like monsters of longing in a world of dreams. “Now let’s make pasta,” she’ll say slightly out of breath. For a second you think something kinky…
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How to Celebrate the First of July

It’s Canada day. Put a bottle of wine in your backpack and bike down dusty country roads towards New Hamburg to find Laura. There’s no better way to celebrate confederation than by getting drunk and naked with her. In…
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How to Get a Job

You’ve been unemployed long enough. Put on your only suit and a pair of black socks and walk through the midday heat dripping sweat in search of a place where they hire people like you. A small non-profit company somewhere…
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How to Spend the Fifth of May

For now life is simple: remove your clothes, lie next to her, and listen to poetry in the dark. Laugh. Moan. Fuck. But whatever you do, don’t take anything seriously. And put a fresh strip of duct tape on the…
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How to Stain Shirts

Though you didn’t go to her party, Carly still gave you a pink shirt that makes you feel more manly than you really are. Today you’re seeing Laura — dress in pink. And after drinks on patios, kisses on…
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How to Celebrate Crucifixions

It’s Easter and you want to ease the suffering of the world. You’re not Christ, so all you can do is play scrabble, drink coffee, and nail someone. Scrabble is like sex — you can get sweaty and sensuous over…
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How to Blink on her Neck

Each time you’re together you find new ways to touch her. On your friend’s couch you discovered what your lips can do to her ears. While holding her on a Friday afternoon, you made her body tremble and melt in…
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How to Make Shim Scream

Sit near Jason in the concourse on a sunny Friday afternoon, your arm resting near his, and wait for him to get deep and philosophical. It shouldn’t take long — he’s a Platonist who’s eager to embrace ideals like Truth…
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How to be David Lynch

Slump in your favourite hairdresser’s chair and let her comb her fingers through your tangled hair. “Make me look like someone else,” say. “I want to be other people.” After your haircut, head over to the Senate Chambers, where…
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How to Burn Love Letters

She left you a month ago. Every morning you awake missing her, and every night you fall asleep wailing. But she’s never coming back. Today is a sunny day — you should burn her love letters. Rush outside in…
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How to Touch People

It’s a shitty day. Run around the campus touching people — it will make you feel better. When you see Shrish in the morning let her tug your nipples and then find a comfy couch where you can talk…
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How to Dance with Fire

It’s the winter solstice — get on a bus and go see your love in Toronto. Surprise her by making her wait four hours at the bus terminal (“I slept in,” say), and then charm her with your working-class moustache….
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How to Get in her Pants

Next morning when the party is over, you wash off your makeup and go back to being a boy.
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How to do Nothing

Meet her at the bus station, your arms loaded with sunflowers and your face glowing with excitement. Once she grabs the flowers, grab her hand and rush with her through the streets. Say “I’ll show you the town.” But…
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How to Enjoy Zed Life

When you meet Zed late in the afternoon near St. Stephen’s, she’ll give you a blanket stained by poetry to fuel your mad dreams of one day becoming a hobo.
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How to Use (Dirty) Words

Start by picking a word that has more than four letters, one that is voluptuous and rich like “motherfucker.” Let it resonate inside you, pronounce each syllable with relish as though “motherfucker” is the delicious desert you’ve been dying to…
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How to Trim Your Pubic Hair

It will be hard to explain the obscene amount of pubic hair left on the bathroom floor. “Is it yours?” she’ll demand, “because it sure as hell it ain’t your fathers?” You’ll have to come up with something before she’ll…
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How to Attend Her Convocation

You’re starting to regret not injecting booze, drugs, or animal tranquilizer into your veins this morning.
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How to Get Slandered (Repeatedly)

Brian is prowling through the hallways telling strangers that you’re mad. Again. And now you regret not giving him the beating he so richly deserved two months ago when he started this nonsense. He always suspected you were mad, and…
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How To Pee Your Pants

Because it feels so good to piss and your hands are frozen and shaking, you manage to splash warm urine all over your left leg.
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How to say Goodbye

She even gave you her middle name one night when you grew tired of yours.
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How to Eat Grapes

You rarely get to eat grapes in April, probably because you’re too lazy to buy them yourself. But this morning you spotted a bagful of grapes in your fridge, and you’ve been craving them ever since. You don’t know whose…
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How to Make Her Angry

Start by talking about something mildly pleasant, like apple pie. She likes apple pie too, and soon you’ll start arguing about apple orchards and worker’s rights. You’ve turned into quite a Marxist since you’ve meet her. She remained a capitalist….
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How to Dance Naked in Trevor’s Kitchen

As payment, he keeps a sample of your urine in a jar and makes you dance in his kitchen.
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How to Get Your Nipple Pierced

An itch is what you get in your ass when you want to scratch it.
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How to Fall from the Sky

“Did my body make a thump?” you ask as you start walking again.
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