You Should Make This Man King!

I stopped by Laurier to taste the aftermath of the 2006 election erection. It tasted like too many rules and cock (“You can’t wear that shirt on your head — that’s campaigning”). All the PIRGies were huddled together in…
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Smoking can kill you

I’ve always wondered if half of the psychological addiction of smoking is that it is a subsumed urge to commit suicide? You know that it’s killing you, but it’s a way of putting off doing it ‘for real’ so that…
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How to Jerk Knees

I know you all want to make those knees jerk. If you have a radio show, you can start by defending an unpopular opinion like that of Mr. Weinberg who wrote that all Laurier girls are promiscuous by nature. Everyone…
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WLUSU (Once Again)

With our faces full of meat, Dave and I talked about cock and WLUSU during dinner yesterday — the two things are very much alike if you think about it. Dave’s stories of backbiting and vaguely unethical behaviour within the…
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Smoking on Campus

Laurier wants to banish smokers from campus. Apparently, the existing smoking policy doesn’t work, but instead of experimenting with other alternatives the administration is trying to ban puffing outright. While other universities created special smoking bunkers, Laurier is all…
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Volunteer Appreciation

WLUSU and WLUSP, Laurier’s student-owned corporations, feed me and waltzed me this weekend to show me how much they love me for volunteering with them this year. You can tell a lot about an organization from the way it appreciates…
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A Feast of Friends

The evening started awkwardly. At the board meeting we asked Matt Gouett to organize a social even though last week we asked him to resign as vice-chair; he laughed uneasily and said “Sure.” Then we fled the awkwardness of…
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Election Day

At 6:30 AM the phone rang and Janet screeched in my ear, chasing my dreams away. She’s a monster of punctuality. I vaguely remembered promising her the night before that I’d be in Brantford for the election. I no…
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Open Forums

There was hardly anyone in the concourse when I showed up at noon to watch the election open forum. But when I left four hours later, the room was full of ecstatic and beautiful youths clapping wildly. The whole…
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Just Bizarre

Here’s further evidence that student politics are messy: Presidential candidate Matt Gouett has made such a strong impression during the residence tours that he may be asked to resign his current position as the vice-chair of the BoD. It’s true:…
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Election Trivia

Here are today’s random election facts: Candidates are not allowed to use blogs to disseminate their views because “discussions [on a blog] are constantly changing,” according to Mr. Simpson, the Chief Returning Officer. ClubLaurier is hosting the online election forums…
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Election 2005

Wow! Two days of heartache and shrill arguments, and I’m in the middle of it all. Laurier is in a political frenzy. The 2005 election campaign started on Wednesday night — that’s when 49 candidates running for 31 positions…
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Smile

Early tomorrow morning the Students’ Union will pack me on a bus and send me to a remote location to be re-educated. “Please bring your best WLUSU smile and an open mind,” the training executive said. That’s right — they…
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Hard to Please

I managed to pull a muscle in my abdomen while masturbating. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. Jerking-off cheered me up while dealing with my breakup, so I’ve been doing it compulsively in the last four days. But…
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Before They Were Heroes

Mike McMahon, the most powerful bureaucrat in the Students’ Union, grunted at me while pissing this morning in the third floor washroom. It’s rumoured that he controls the entire organization, and I wondered what he did before he became the…
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Power to the People

People of Laurier, I’m writing to let you know that I love you and that the revolution has been a failure. For eight months I tried to transform the Students’ Union into a more democratic and transparent organization, but despite…
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Student Politics Kills Idealists

In September we tasted power and howled in the streets. Back then we loved student politics: the future was ours, we were doing good deeds and winning impossible battles. But everything changed in three months. Now we’re disillusioned and tired…
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The Union (in)action

The BOD outdid itself yesterday. “The part-time faculty’s working conditions are just dandy,” we said. We like the fact they get paid below minimum wage and have to hold office hours in washrooms because they don’t have any offices…
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Town Hall, Expanded

Food, radical ideas, and the presence of Jason Shim made yesterday’s student town hall a success. Fourty students stuffed their faces with food while offering their insights on Laurier’s strenghts and challenges. “We want to make this as informal…
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Signs and Paint

The red smudges on my shirt and pants look like dried blood. I got them while painting a banner asking people to talk to me about their concerns; before the paint dried I wrapped myself in it while running through…
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Policy Schmolicy

BOD meetings are full of joyful contradictions and self-defeating motions. Last night, for instance, we unanimously passed a risk management policy meant to discourage people form doing silly things like getting shitfaced while on WLUSU events. We felt this…
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Eat Dinner From Paper Cups Day

Lovely Martha called me at midnight as I was eating dinner out of paper cups in the WLUSP office. “Go home crazy,” she said. I told her I must spend my days and nights on campus in secret meetings watching…
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Meetings can be Fun

We walked down King Street after the board meeting howling with delight. Everyone talked at the same time, faces bright, gesticulating wildly. “That was the best board meeting ever,” Dave declared. “I finally felt useful,” Nick said. And I missed…
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WLUSU and Nigeria

I opened my Laurier email account to find some 300 unread messages, most of them from Nigerian men with lots of money. They desperately need my help, but I can’t tell you the details because they made me promise to…
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Death of an Exhibitionist

Despite all the shouting and all the endless talks about transparency, the Students’ Union remains a profoundly secretive institution. Though I always believed that information wants to be free, that Truth should be shouted from rooftops, I find myself uncomfortably…
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Take off the Pretty Shirt Day

Cheerfully dressed in my Fuck STARR t-shirt, I walked around the school before yesterday’s WLUSU board of directors meeting smiling wildly. Craig appreciated my sense of style. “You incendiary bastard!” he said. “I’m merely a vessel for student dissatisfaction,” I…
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Fuck STARR

Ecstatically, I quickly took off my clothes in the concourse today and put on the t-shirt Nadine made for me. The shirt fit me perfectly: the size was just right and on it was written “Fuck STARR” in shiny…
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Men’s Washroom, Third Floor

Matt, the new vice-chair of the Board of Directors, is an enthusiastic young man who is working hard to keep social relations well lubricated. That’s why he’s eager to secretly meet with all the board members sometime tomorrow. “Choose a…
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I Read the News Today, Oh Boy

This morning I rushed into the Cord’s office craving to get my hands on this week’s paper. I’ve been waiting desperately for the Cord since Monday morning when April Cunningham, the news editor, interviewed me about the VP hiring controversy….
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Revolting

Surprisingly, my Fringe performance was a lot less stressful than the Board of Directors meeting that followed right after. The stage transformed us all into beautiful creatures striving to destroy each other with pillows, fists, and desire. When the curtain…
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Call me Crazy

It doesn’t take much to convince people that I’m crazy: I just have to say a couple of objectionable things while waving my arms, and everyone around me will assume the worst. Twenty minutes after I sat down in my…
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Vivre la Difference!

I was asleep at 3:30 am when the election results were announced at Wilf’s, so I only got to savour my political victory late in the morning. Wow … it took three years of cunning persistence and two unsuccessful political…
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WLUSU Elections 2004

We knew someone fucked up when election officials called an unprecedented all candidates’ meeting as soon as the polls closed at 7 PM. Men in red went around late in the afternoon telling all the candidates on the campaign…
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It’s Coming

Stress levels will skyrocket from now until voting day as the election campaign kicks into high gear. There are just four more days to organize support and get the message out, so these days the conspiratorial meetings are tinged with…
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Taking Off

Encounters with Trevor are always pleasantly random. I was walking through the concourse with a stack of posters under my arm, when he shouted and hit me with strange objects to get my attention. It was Trevor’s magic behind the…
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Image

The army supply store has everything I need to jumpstart the revolution. This morning I bought myself a beret, and I would have bought a military jacket too until Heather reminded me that nobody at Laurier cares enough to start…
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And all shall cry Beware, Beware

Trevor and I burned newspapers in his backyard for reasons neither of us understood.
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Door-in-the-face Technique

I nearly smacked Brian in the face with a door as I was running around the school with my election papers yesterday morning. In my rush, I forcefully kicked a door open without realizing that Brian’s face was on the…
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Politics Hardens Nipples

As my friend and I walked through the cold in our shirts I wanted to scream to the smokers in front of the library, “My friend’s nipples are getting hard — sign his nomination form!” But these days I have…
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Blogging and Representation

Many interesting ideas about blogs and their role in the political process are coming from University of Waterloo bloggers, which is not surprising considering that UW’s blogging network is significantly stronger and more active than Laurier’s. At the beginning of…
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Student Election

The nomination packages for the 2004 WLU student elections are finally out, and I’ll be spending the next two weeks collecting signatures and preparing my campaign. I’m pretty damn excited about this — my head is swarming with ideas, visions,…
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Sensitivity Training

Brian is convinced I’ve gone too far. “People are fucking dense,” he told me as he explained why I shouldn’t post anymore personal details on my blog. With student elections around the corner, Brian is worried that what I write…
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Road to Change

After brooding over the sad state of student politics at Laurier, I decided to channel my anger into something constructive. In February I’ll once again run in the student elections in another attempt to bring about meaningful and orgasmic…
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Laurier Politics

I don’t often get angry, but the dirty, petty, and unpleasantly undemocratic student politics at Laurier gets on my nerves. Yesterday, Mike Borrelli and Rishi Kumar, two of the most proactive directors in this year’s Students’ Union, resigned in…
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