Let’s trade fur for technology

What a week — volcanoes! puppy departures! clickety-clack on new typewriters! So, here’s a list of random occurrences: The number of dogs in my apartment was reduced by half — Sophia, who was couch surfing for the past two…
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Spring checklist

Sunlight. Check Not wearing pants around the house. Check Napping with puppies. Check New vacuum cleaner with a lot of extra suck. Check Planning summer trips to find whales. Check…
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Letting the days go by … let the water hold me down

I’m immensely relieved 2009 is over — what an shitty year it’s been. One meaningless trauma after another. Now that I washed this lingering stench of disappointment from my bones, let’s never speak of 2009 again. But the year…
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HO!

I can’t recall a more low-key Christmas since the one I spent in 1989. Back then there were riots on the streets and people dying, foolishly as it turned out. Bullets whizzed by our window all night long and the…
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Let’s Dance Around The Issue

I love December. The fucking cold, the endless nights leave room for enjoyable activities such as: taking flu medication, dashing through the snow, self-doubting, pity parties. Speaking of which, we’re seriously overdue for a pity party. Pity parties are…
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News Spaces

So. I decided it would be neat to have a separate photo blog to show some of the fun I’m having with people in love and pregnant bellies. You’ll find all that awesomeness here. Henceforth, I’m saving this space…
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Turkeys are gentle creatures

Without you Thanksgivings is a lonesome animal slaughter, the streets are a frozen heartache, the bed a vast emptiness. But on the upside, I’ve been jabbing sharp objects into stolen toy monkeys — the kids love it….
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Summer? What Summer?

I guess the bitter-sweet summer is officially over now that the Fall Equinox has rolled around. Highlights? Well I … Babysat Rufus the happy dog for four months. Went on road trips with puppies. Found out that rafting is…
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Unhealthy Patterns

Seems like every second year around my birthday I get deathly ill. In 2005 it was some sort of European germ warfare, in 2007 it was girl cooties, and this year, well, fuck me if I know what the hell…
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Unemployment Blues are Pretty Sweet (so far)

Laura quit her job last week at almost the same time that my course ended. Now that we’re back to being unemployed, things couldn’t be sweeter. I spend entire days down by the river with the dogs, and she…
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Blogs - As Forsaken as Typewriters

The blog has been quietly hibernating for most of last year, so it’s time for the cleansing rituals to begin. Spring cleaning and all that good stuff… Here’s what’s got to change soonish: A new projects page will highlight…
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A Chicken and Egg Situation

I’ve been thinking of growing chickens in Jason Shim’s yard ever since we moved here. You see, I want my life to be a witty New York Times headline. Only two questions remain: where to acquire said chickens, and where…
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Running of Fumes

All of our horrifically monstrous furniture is now comfortably installed in Jason Shim’s basement. So is our dog, who now demands blankets, sacrificial sheep, and other demonstrations of our affection. Once she’s appeased, she sinks comfortably into our couch…
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Status Report

Oww, what an exciting time we’re having! Two weeks ago we convinced Jason Shim to let us take over his basement, promising to fill his whole house with puppy love. We have been failing miserably at the “filling the…
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Malarkey?

If you’re looking to get me something for Christmas, look no further ……
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Sale

We’re moving out of Guelph in a couple of weeks. Laura’s heading for new lands and I’m migrating back to KW. Fun will be had by all. As such, these days we’re cleaning up the closets, and we’ve got a…
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All Good Things Get Even Better

Nearly a year ago I summoned up a mannequin from the bowels of the Internet. He came to our living room as a jumble of parts and nakedness, and I assembled him by candlelight late in the misty evening….
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Hillside!

It took about four hours of waiting in the rain to get Hillside tickets this year. That’s the longest I’ve had to wait in line for pretty much anything. And apparently, some people waited even longer. The Guelph Mercury tracked…
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Weird time in this land of dogs and toil

listen. now and again I use this blog to whine. this is one of those times. for the last few weeks i’ve had a slight feeling of malaise. nothing i can pinpoint. just an overwhelming need to sleep. all the…
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Most Mornings Are Much More Pleasant

After a near death experience involving the sudden disintegration of the spokes in my front wheel while biking to work this morning, I stopped by Value Village at lunch to pick up another bike for $5. I’m starting a collection…
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Nothing Could Make This More Awkward Except …

Tuesday was the day I got up naked on tables in front of a room-full of strangers. They stared, then dropped their heads in unison and drew my genitals. I do this with some regularity, but this time, being a…
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Nipple Rejection: It’s Not You, It’s Me

After four years of bandaids and oh-ever-so-intense shivers whenever someone touched my nipples, my nipple ring finally ate its way through several layers of human tissue to gain its freedom. The first act upon gaining its liberty was to…
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Birthday Cooties

For my birthday last week, Laura gave me hand-painted shirts and cooties. The shirts are wonderful — they’re pink and inspired by the song Corwin and I put together. The cooties aren’t too nice. For over a week I’ve…
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Whatever Happend To Writing?

It’s been a while. We need more words to fill the gap between our solitudes….
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Movie Reruns!

I finally got around to transplanting my videos onto Google. Here are some reruns of the shorts I like:…
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Santa Isn’t A Vengeful Bastard

I tried my best to make Baby Jesus cry over the last few weeks, but despite being a total jerk about this whole Christmas thing, Santa still brought me toys. This year I got a doggy that flips around…
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Sicky Monkey

Laura spent her days off work puking and nursing a fever. To make her feel batter, I made her sleep on the couch, while I, filled with infinite compassion, sprawled across our bed. I know this sounds harsh, but she…
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Fishy Day

“This is Fred,” I said. Laura just smiled. Fred, the frozen mackerel, plopped himself into a frying pan and his flesh exploded into dozens of blistering tumors. “Oh, look at poor Fred,” I said. “Once he swam in velvety…
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The Swamp Monster

So the other day I was running through the forest naked. There was snow everywhere and I was all happy and shit. Then I fell into a swamp. It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true — I have photos…
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So Many Birds (revisited)

On Sunday mornings, we flail our arms in the park and chase after the birds until they shit themselves in mid-flight. There are just so many of them, and they all stink. Laura likes to kick the ducks….
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Coffee On a Sunday Afternoon With The Snake Queen

I went over to Keren’s house on a Sunday afternoon for coffee and rhubarb cookies. She smiled at me when I walked in, snake tongue flickering in her hair, and my heart froze with a mixture of fear and…
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Sound And Fury Signifying Nothing

“You never talk to me,” she said. “I don’t think anybody talks with anybody anymore,” I said. “We’re all spastic and unfocused in this world of constant distractions. Conversation has disintegrated into sound-bites. Unfortunately, most of my sound-bites are about…
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Whenever I Sniff Myself I Get A Hard-On

I had no shower this morning, so my whole body smells like sweat and late-night moments of desire. To keep people away, I’ve been singing Pink Floyd songs loudly in my cubicle all day….
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Cohen Called Again And Asked Me To Strip

With a mixture of daring and fear, I threw my legs up in the air on Thursday night so the girls sitting in the front row of the senior art class could draw the intimate space between my legs….
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Things To Do With Monster Hands

The pharmacy in New Hamburg had a huge sale on monster hands. Naturally, I walked out of there armed with several extra pairs of digits. And because monster hands are a source of power and evil, they came with…
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Fuck It…

I broke down and bought curtains. I don’t want to destroy any more childhoods….
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A Good Morning in Your Pants

Like on every other morning, today I rushed out of the house late for work. However, unlike on every other morning, today I managed to spill a whole cup of scorching coffee on my crotch. Instant awakefullness! And now, my…
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This Adds Value To My Village

The Value Village in Guelph sells the greatest crap on earth. “Look! The pink flamingos are on sale,” I said. “And they’re dressed up in fedoras!” I chased her through the layers of mothballed clothes and kissed her. “Can…
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I’m Living With A Water Creature

Last night in our white bathroom she summoned up bubbles and heat. I stood on the toilet peeing and watching her naked body squirm in hot liquid. Lovely, lovely bubbles everywhere. And boobs. I stripped off my pants and…
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I Killed Piggy

By rubbing him all over my naked body. I blame Laura….
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Sound Bites

We’re finally connected to the world again. We woke up one bright morning to find an abundance of wires slithering along our floors (wires loaded with internets), and at least a dozen pink phones ringing happily. Pink phones are…
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Consequences of Moving: Garbage Bags In Windows

We were goddamn excited at first — the apartment was endless and smelled like fresh paint and polished floors. I swang her through the open doorways and zigzagged across the empty rooms pointing out minute details. “Look! We get five…
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Consequences of Moving: Naked Bums

We finished moving the last box into the apartment on a sweaty Sunday afternoon, but it took me until this Thursday to find a clean pair of underwear among the scatter of boxes and bags. Consequently, the last few days…
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Invade New Spaces. Be Free.

The girl and I found an apartment on the edge of town. It’s not much — just a tiny place with freshly painted walls and a rusty balcony. But this weekend we’re moving in and furnishing the empty rooms with…
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My Weakness is My Lack of Strenght

For the last three months I’ve been perfecting my ascetic aesthetic, but it was only yesterday at 5:30 in the afternoon that I realize how feeble I’ve grown over this time. You see, I got roped into joining a…
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I’ll Tell You Four Little Secrets

I am a wind turbine. I can jump higher than your mom. Vertical stripes make me constipated. I know clowns that kill — they thought me fear….
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And You Shall Be Onto Me Great Eaters of Corn

“Let’s hold on to the last, dying moments of summer,” I said. We got into the car and sped towards nowhere. The day was cloudy and cool, but just to spite the stormclouds we stopped often in the middle…
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We’re All So Meta

Outside it rained quietly. The orange hatchback we rode in zipped across the wet country roads, roads which now smelled like wet asphalt and cow shit. The rain made us sleepy and silent, our heads filled with remnants of dreams….
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You Are A Cat People

My Visionary Indian Friend called me late in the evening, so I knew it must be serious. “Come over,” he said. “I have something to show you.” I drove over, opened the door to his apartment, and tripped all…
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Clean Out Your Closet Day

Today Laura gave away the clothes she never wears. I managed to get myself a couple of hand-me-downs….
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I’ll Unbirthday You

My Visionary Indian Friend hates birthdays. His was yesterday; mine is tomorrow. So instead of having separate birthday parties, we decided to average things out and have an unbirthday party today instead: we ate too many nachos, drank too much…
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News Of The World

The following snippets of news got me pretty excited in my pants: Jason and Kylie left Vancouver back in June on their cross-Canada bike trip, and they’ve already passed through Toronto. I’ve been excited to track their progress through…
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Talk of Cuteness

The little girl with blond hair watched us fiddle with our cameras. “May I ask why you’re photographing the bunnies?” she said, all polite and shit. “Because they’re so freaking cute,” we said with obvious glee. To illustrate this excess…
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This Is Life And This Is Death

The day felt perfectly ordinary: clouds, followed by rain, followed by a warm dampness that enveloped everything. And then a taste of dying in the wilderness… Do you know that moment when you taste wetness of your lips and…
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Things You Should Know

I’m a creature of endless longing and fear….
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Dear Sherry,

Once in the morning and twice in the afternoon I end up thinking of you, or, more specifically, your blog. I know. It’s weird. I sneak away into the bathroom to take a piss and I’m subtly reminded about…
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All Sorts Of Tiny Insects Sunning Themselves After The Rain

Fly n. Any of the numerous two-winged insects of the order Diptera, all of them carriers of disease and lovers of sweat and shit. Growing up, I used to catch flies and burn them with the lighters I stole…
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Grinding of Loins All Weekend Long

We fled into the wilderness on a Friday afternoon to grind our burning loins against each other first at Greg’s wedding, and later at the Hillside Festival, in cars, in tents, on grassy knolls, and in other places of…
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Mechanical Failure

It was a perfect day for a car breakdown: I was in a hurry to be elsewhere; it was pouring outside; and the car just came back from the mechanic the previous day. Thus, I felt a sudden spasm of…
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Sunset and Wetness

The sudden thunderstorm transformed the highways into a wet, golden mess. We pulled the car to the side of the road and jumped outside to dance barefoot on the wet asphalt, eyes filled with wonder and danger. Big, wet…
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Puncher In The Face

The cleaning lady was busy dusting the inside of Paul Puncher’s Railway Station, opening and closing the blinds with swift assurance. We stood on the sidewalk, taking photos of the proceedings, vaguely fascinated by her movements inside the building. When…
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Some Sort of Angular Thing In The Sky

Uptown was full of angles, absurdity, booze. We swung our cameras around our heads and kicked tiny children….
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Something About Your Pants Makes Me Happy

I bought the shirt by accident. It was on sale for $2 in the frozen food section of the local grocery market, and because I’m unable to resist cheap I bought it. Right outside the store I threw the shirt…
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Hats for Poopy Pants

Because I always wanted to look like a pretentious fuck, I bought a fedora at a hipster store in London. Afterwards, I ran out of the store waving my new hat and shoved it on Laura’s head. “Laura-Fedora looks…
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In a Different Time We Would’ve Been Savages

Today I flung my Visionary Indian Friend into a deep chasm in the heart of the forest. I had no choice — the fucker had it in for me. We made the wilderness spasm with violence, screams, and unknown…
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Red Shades of Longing on My Fingers and Lips

At lunchtime, I walked across a wilderness of asphalt and bought a bagful of cherries. They were red, dark, and they stained fingers and souls. Each hungry mouthful tasted like summer-sex-cunt, so I walked down the street with my…
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A Game of Scrabble

In the middle of the restaurant, I pulled out a bagful of letters and nudged her gently under the table. “We’ll play just one game,” I said. “And we won’t keep score.” She grabbed seven tiles in her soft,…
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The Weekend Came Upon Us Like A Dirty Song

Dressed me up in women’s clothes Messed around with gender roles Dye my eyes and call me pretty Long weekend! Finally. I’m taking off for delicious roadtrips around Southern Ontario with small, furry mammals (Laura rented a puppy for the…
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The Moondrenched Shores Of Our Beloved Planet

The karaoke contest was going well until a sweet, old lady decided to buy me booze. Up to that point, I was just nodding quietly, minding my own business. But once the booze started flowing, everybody else’s business became…
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Linkfest: Let’s Make Our Neurons Tingle

Rejoice, for now you can see my calendar in all of its intense shades of blue. Stalk away! In other news, Jason will start his bike trip across Canada in six days, Carly is a filthy communist, and Sra…
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Death on Office Furniture

The Thames River is where things go to die — thus, it’s also an excellent place to make out. While we were kissing hungrily the other day, Laura and I spotted an overturned office chair in the middle of…
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Two Statements About Me

I am driven to destroy by my shackled loins. Sometimes I touch my face and laugh before visiting my wrath upon the sons of men….
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How Cold The Grass

Laura’s train pulled up to the station just as the storm ended. The night was electic with wetness and I was mad with wanting her. I haven’t seen her in a while. To celebrate, I pulled of my clothes and…
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A Fog Over Our Eyes and Hearts

On the edge of Toronto I met Bryan Scott, the chain-smoking fiend and forsaken poet of our generation. I caught up with him just as he was waking up at 5 o’clock in the afternoon and sitting down to…
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Kitchen Instrumentals

My sink is a giant acoustic device. Listen. In other news, I’ll be in Toronto this weekend: Doors Open, booze, sunshine. See you there….
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Some of Your Sweetness Melted In My Pocket

When we felt miserable and exhausted wandering through strange cities, you bought me chocolate to make me feel better. The chocolate was soft, penetrating… I kissed you and put it in my pocket and when I got excited a while…
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Your Anger is as Hard and Precise As Your Fists

It was late in the evening and everything seemed too complicated. Girls … booze … cigars … yearnings for rapture. You wanted to punish your body and the universe, so we ate greasy chicken with our bare hands and…
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You Make My Ears Wet

Of course, there’s also a podcast of our weekend camping adventures wherein Laura talks at lenght about how much she enjoyed everything. Have a listen….
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Because Camping is Engaging Enough

We spent the last three days getting rained upon in Elora. Shivers are invigorating. In the morning, we hid from the rain in the car to drink coffee. Unlike some people, we didn’t get engaged on the shores of…
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Burnout is What We Have Instead Of Souls

How the fuck did we get ourselves into this Emo mess? Suddenly there are problems everywhere. Yours, mine, everybody’s. My problems make me bitter: I can’t even poop properly, my underwear are too tight, and besides it is raining….
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Sometimes There’s Flutter

When no one’s looking, Riverside Park in Cambridge is a place of lust and sodomy. The nearby forest is littered with men’s underwear and used condoms, and sketchy characters abound. It’s also littered with birds, and that’s what my…
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We’ll Never Become Butterflies

What if we’re nothing but dying caterpillars, twitching away our last, agonizing moments on a decaying tree branch? Will none of our multitudes become butterflies?…
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Cemetery Air

We used to make out in graveyards, our burning bodies pressed against cold, memorial slabs. She worked among dead people in the summer, and it thrilled us and saddened us to be surrounded by so much death. Afterwards, we…
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Polaroid Penetration

We felt angry and vicious, so we drove to the lakeshore to split nerve cells, plant life, and pieces of hair. “She loves me. She loves me not. What would you do?” “Does it matter?” I asked. We left…
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Where Have All The Strippers Gone?

After the canoe rides, arduous drives, and brief moments of passion on a couch, Paul, Laura, and I ended up in a stuffy Tim Horton’s in the middle of London. The coffee tasted like addiction and the heat made…
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Gone Canoeing

Rivers. Water. Eight hours of canoeing. And now it feels as though my arms are trying to separate from the rest of my body. More soon….
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Nothingness Can Be So Fulfilling

I enrolled in my first photography course, and it tickles my brain with all sorts of new knowledge. During the first class the instructor uncovered the big secret of photography: our cameras are nothing but a big, empty spaces….
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Fragments of the Evening

I broke off a piece of the blue evening sky to press in your hands when I’ll see you again….
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The Pink Bunny Incident

It took the better part of three days and 37 cardboard boxes filled with aches to move Laura from one side of London to the other. Her new building is tall and the elevators were booked, so we dragged…
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Rails

The abandoned rails at the edge of town made me feel instantly better about life, sunshine, and electrical conduction….
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All Tomorrow’s Parties

Jason washed noodles with his bare hands as we giggled about outrageous things like bloody pads left in uncomfortable places. For some reason, this made dinner taste delicious. We laughed for hours with Jenny, and by the end of…
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I’ll Tell You About The Morning

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Pretend We’re Elsewhere

Carly’s Hawaiian party featured not only men in outrageous shirts drinking hard liquor from flaming fruits, but also an intoxicating mixture of watermelon, beer, asparagus, and sausages dripping with goodness. In the sunset, Carly’s deck felt like summer bliss,…
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Your Trash is My Trash

The neighbour’s children are practicing alcoholics. I spent my Sunday picking up the beer bottles, shattered glass, and remnants of lustful parties they have strewn throughout the nearby fields. All the while I muttered about “kids nowadays,” and how,…
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Nahanni

The woman who spent her summer dancing with arctic rivers looked at the packed lecture room and said, “It’s exciting to see so many adventurers here.” Most of the adventurers in question had grey hair and imposing bellies, but they…
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Dadaist Food Inspectors In Tomato Sauce

I was taking tedious pictures of raindrops on a Wednesday afternoon when Anna and Mike snuck up behind me, hit me over the head with their good intentions, and dragged me away in search of food. Naturally, our search…
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We Are All Reflective

The bathroom at work is full of patterns but devoid of profanities. I spend hours in there each day thinking about you. One of these days I’m going to scrawl your name on the walls and let everyone know…
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Crucibles

In our rush to catch the production of The Crucible put on by Fanshawe’s Theatre Arts program, we drove over lawns and violated several traffic laws while devouring burning slices of pizza. Our agitation was well worth it — we…
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I Am Canadian Culture

Yesterday’s postman brought me good news — my book is now part of the Library and Archives of Canada, the monolith whose mandate is “to preserve the documentary heritage of Canada for the benefit of present and future generations.” So…
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A Meeting Of Monsters

At the Stitch’n’Kitsch show, beautiful people offered for adoption several kinds of existentialist monsters and other creatures weaved entirely out of awesome. The communal room of the co-op where the show was hosted became a monster underground and we…
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Little People Drink Milk, Embrace Ultra-Violence

Little kids are monsters. Full of blind hatred, last night they escaped their gilded cages in the playground, grabbed knifes and baseball bats, and smashed the shit out of all the symbolic representations of dinosaurs they could find….
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Sleep on Pink Sheets Dreaming of Syrup

After birthday parties and too much loneliness, Laura and I squeezed into a car loaded with boozed and bags to go visit visionary Indian friends, who, as it turns out, aren’t Indian at all. We talked mostly about penguins with…
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When Words Are Replaced By Cold, Hard Hunger

Elmira made us feel cold and carnivorous towards chicken and each other….
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We Give Words New Meanings (Part II)

We fucked with language again. God, we fucked with it fiercely as though grammar was nothing more than a candy vagina we could slobber all over, or a terrifyingly satisfying hole in the wall. And as a result of our…
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If You Want Another Kind of Love I’ll Wear a Mask for You

I spend my lunch hours walking around a courtyard in my fancy shoes, despairing about what we’ve become. You see, once upon the time I used to be a lot more daring, more shameless, more bent on destroying the…
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You Were Always A Twisted Little Man

In the fast-food joint at noontime, I showed my prowess by biting into forks. I have this fierce set of teeth that can slice through plastic, and this so awed the elderly couple across from us that they couldn’t…
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Paul Show

A man named Paul emailed me the other day demanding copies of my book and coffee. So we met at the Huether in the evening and talked about things we have in common like Tanya’s excellent bosom, urination, and strippers…
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Terrify the Man Ray

I met Ray by the fountain in Yorkdale mall; the water gurgled uneasily and I had to pee. The need to pee was not the result of too many coffees (I had six that morning); rather, it was brought on…
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These Directions Are For Planning Purposes Only

Head northwest from Forest Hill Dr. - go 3 m. In three hours I’ll be in Toronto, filling my belly with living things, sunshine, and pieces of concrete. In anticipation, I got: New black, polished shoes A haircut with bangs…
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Equinox

To celebrate spring, I biked around the parking lot in circles during my lunch break. I wanted the asphalt to breed life, but all I got was a slight chill and dirty looks….
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Monkeys From Space And Other Love Songs

The London night throbbed with booze and music. The band on stage pounded our ears with overwhelming renditions of Elvis songs, causing us to happily twitch in our chairs like mad creatures. On stage, a darker version of Dick…
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Let’s Summarize The Mystery Murder

The story started like this: It was the night of the Anti-Box Social, an annual dinner event for Laurier students and their friends to mock and ridicule the needy and the poor. “Jesus fuck, another self-involved narrative?” the real Sherry…
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A Preference for Rust

Kathy’s mom is awesome! Not only did she thoroughly enjoy my book of adventures and naked bottoms, but she also wants me to grab Laura and go for a visit one day. “But I don’t even know her,” I told…
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To Greater Socialism

Last night’s socialist propaganda was so seductively effective that now I yearn to give up everything and go till Saskatchewan’s soil. By the sounds of it, the Canadian dream was born somewhere on the prairie winds: universal health care, pension…
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We Are Fringe

Unlike its previous incarnations, this year’s Fringe Festival lacked half-naked men. Indeed, shows in previous years flaunted such abundance of boy flesh that a special prize was awarded to the “best topless man.” Luckily for us, lesbian werewolf superheroes…
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It’s All About Me

Sometime last week, a nice girl whom I’ve never met sent me a list of intimate questions. “I’m not going all fangirl on you,” she assured me. “Rather, I’m writing a profile for a journalism unit at school.” When she…
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Nothing But Loony

Today will be filled with Fringy goodness. Plays! Excitement! People I feel sappy about! And last night I found all these blurry photos from time when I was in Fringe two years ago. They made me nostalgic as fuck….
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Please Drip Down My Shower Curtain Every Day

“I’m going to PI’s public lecture,” I told Laura, my voice squeaky with excitement. “What is it about?” she wanted to know. “I don’t know. I assume it’s probably about something wonderful like pastry.” “Then why are you going?” “Pi…
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Dance Lightly With Your Hammers Of Time

Let’s smash every last alarm clock into a million ticking shards of technology and go back to huddle in the comfort of our dreams….
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Colonial Projections

We wandered through London’s Indian museum, vaguely disappointed by the lack of saggy tits. All the natives in the photos had firm, tanned, fuckable bodies. Some of them wore leather. I expected more gaping wounds, tired flesh, and uncontained…
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Gone

I’m going away for a few days. London. My Laura and I are celebrating last year’s escape to the wilderness. It’s been a year since we took off for Tobermory together and felt our hearts spasm, so this weekend…
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We Give Words New Meanings

On Wednesday nights, the Huether is the place we go to mess around with words and each other’s hearts. You should too. For practice, try using the following words we defined for you in a sentence: Dipsomania: obsessive feelings towards…
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Some Sort of Emo

Walnuts have the faint aroma of crushed dreams. I had a dream. You had a dream. Even America had a dream. But in the hour of cruelty all dreams were all crushed and we were left with nothing but…
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Camera Person

Sometime during the next two weeks we are going to shoot a movie. Decisions of this magnitude are best reached over a couple of beers. “It will be Emo and have no sound, just sorrow,” Corwin said. “It will be…
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Such A Long Way Away

Why do you all flee to such wonderful places? And what shall I do with my hands, now that you’re gone?…
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All We Have Left Are The Cellophane Flowers

The rainclouds came over the fields in quick, violent bursts. Thunder. Lightening. In the background, CBC radio bemoaned climate change and the extinction of hockey. “Ice is no more,” they said, even though on days like this every inch…
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Promenades and Avenues

I used to bike everywhere before the van came into my life. Bikes are wonderful in their simplicity — you can just get on them and glide down endless avenues. Not so with cars — they demand chemical love and…
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Scooter + Mullet == Awesome

At London’s convention centre, one of the bikers drank one beer too many and started shouting profanities at a robust man who was quickly moving down the corridor. Anger. Leather. Invitations to fight. Because the motorcycle convention was horribly…
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Our Daily Bread

In her pink apartment, Nadine cooked us a wonderful dinner. The shrimp stirfry was particulary delicious, and we thanked her afterwards by attempting to kill her in a motor-vehicle collision….
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Some Kind of Meme

You’ll get what you asked for, Jason Shim, but it won’t be pretty: Four jobs I’ve hadNaked interpreter of Canadian poetry Drawer of fish Corrector of syntax Writer of awesome manuals…
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The Things We Do

I know you’ll find this shocking, but after spending my days in Guelph’s industrial districts, I come home in the evenings to juggle my balls….
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Let’s Run

I find it hard to resist giving money to homeless men. Especially when they chase after me in parking lots on rusty bicycles….
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We Need More Poetry Against Our Skin

Everything is so rushed, so crazed. Now one city, now another. Whatever happened to those days when we did nothing but lie naked on my bed listening to poetry? Update: Ahem. I guess this was most of yesterday….
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Bang On, Crazed Karaoke Dancers

The night before we became insects, we danced enthusiastically to drunken karaoke songs. And by dancing I mean that we violently swung our heads to troubling renditions of Shania Twain songs. As soon as anyone grabbed the mike, we…
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I Didn’t Know You’ll Blow My Mind This Way

    So I went away for a couple of days and told you to write nasty things on my blog while I’m gone. But when I came back this evening I found that you gave me not just…
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Say one you’re numb, say two you’re naked

Somebody had to do it. I’m just sorry it wasn’t someone who can take pictures in focus. And who has more guts than me. Damn, Tudor, this is fun….
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Here’s A Piece of My Darkness

Every single cognitive function on the left side of my brain has gone on strike demanding booze and screaming profanities. Consequently, I’ve been feeling disgustingly lethargic lately. And uninspired. Too much rain. Too much sleep. Too much porn. Not…
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The Nose That Nose

Once I stop being a conduit for Regan’s voice, I’ll embark on a long and successful career as a nose and hand model. I feel that my features are perfectly suited for awareness campaigns promoting the benefits of nose picking….
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Fuck You, Regan Walsh

As you wish Regan, as you wish … I drank a bottle of wine and spent six hours naked in front of my bathroom mirror armed with a camera, clothespins and my vast collection of snap-on bracelets. The feeling of…
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I’ll Show You What Robots Think About Me

Go to google.com Type in my name Click “I’m feeling lucky.”…
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Year In Review (Part II)

The second part of the year was like one of those journeys where after months of travel you end up in the same place, changed utterly. (read the first part). On the first of July, Canada became as old as…
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I’ll Bite Your Ears While You Steer Off The Road

Whenever Laura speeds down country roads on rainy afternoons, I have this insatiable urge to nuzzle her ear and cover her eyes with my left hand just to see how long she’ll be able to stay on the road….
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Photoroam

The new year demands more collective picture taking. Now that Jason Shim is chasing penguins in Antarctica, we’re left to our own devices. Another photoroam anyone? Free up your Friday evening and we’ll go out after sundown to start fires….
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Year In Review (Part I)

If I were to sum up the previous year in one sentence then I would probably say that in 2005 I took off my pants with alarming regularity — and it was good. If I were to use actual paragraphs,…
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Call The Cops, Someone is Being Sedated

Yesterday’s New Year’s party was probably the most sedated one I’ve ever been to — Laura and I sat around with a bunch of university professors listening to Pink Floyd and eating cookies. That, however, didn’t dissuade the cops…
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Happy New Year

So we’re leaving for the party, her dressed in fancy jackets and ass-grabbing pants. “So how do you I look?” she asked. “You look like a little man who stole another little man’s clothes.” Oh, this will be a happy…
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Give Me Some Living Organisms For Christmas

“I have this thing for cacti,” I told Laura. “Sometimes I like to rub them all over my naked body.” Laura in turn told her mother, who not only thought me weird but was also thoughtful enough to place…
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The Strange Eating Habits of Reptilians

The coffeemaker suffered an unfortunate accident this morning at almost the exact same time I ran out of instant coffee. I had no choice but to improvise by dumping a handful of raw coffee beans into a glassful of…
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Buy Laptop: Sizzle Testicles Slowly

Thanks to the wonder of PR, my laptop, the one I daily hold on my knees until it scorches my testicles, was finally featured in the New York Times. Go read the most boring article ever….
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I’ll Cook You A Delicious Cow

Alysia struggled all morning with bovine essences to produce the tastiest roast beef I’ve ever tasted. I arrived home in the middle of a snowstorm hungry and in love, and she feed me meat with sweet potatoes. Sherry and Laura…
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Mr. Plowman

After I bitched repeatedly about London’s icy roads, the city finally decided to take action. Last night the city council abolished winter. Thus, by nine o’clock this morning, despite a night of heavy snowfall, all streets and sidewalks were obsessively…
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Shake Your Head, Mr. Wonder

New glasses — see?! After losing my sight last week, today I finally got some new lenses. I wear the sunglasses mostly at night because they make me look creepy. Laura likes creepy….
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Connect My Elbow To The Back Of Your Neck

We should all grow something on our faces — Marxist beards, dozens of pimples, several noses, testicles, tumours, seven furious nipples. Growing a beard hurts in satisfying ways, like making love for the first time. The other options haven’t yet…
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Orgies And Sticks

At the mall where I work there is a store I frequent daily — it’s called Divas and it sells women’s clothing. I go there not just because I want to buy a dress, but also because the mural…
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Nerve Endings

Laura and I sometimes slap our bellies in the middle of the night and go out for long walks around the neighbourhood. The cold bites into our noses and she holds my hand while I scream profanities at baby Jesus…
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Even If I Do It Gently

My eyesight is bad. Yes, bad. When my hand is fully extended in front of my face even my fingers become blurry. So when I lost my glasses the other day, I rented a shiny car, declined the optional…
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Leave Your Fingerprints On Lenses

My Visionary Indian Friend and I flopped our dirtyphallic lenses onto Heuther’s coffee tables and dreamed of trips across the continent. That’s when a girl whose name is not Kim came over to talk to us about cameras. “Oh, that’s…
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Subvert The System

I feel mildly subversive each time a customer calls in to complain about the quality of the service (which is every day). “Let me put you through to the cancellation department right away, Mr. Gooey Tarballs. You don’t have to…
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Pee

“Summer came and went,” I said, “and I still haven’t peed in your yard.” “You’re some kind of strange animal,” she assured me. “I can do it now.” “We have neighbours,” she said, at which point I rushed into the…
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You Say The Hill’s Too Steep To Climb

This morning, some asshole languidly rolled down his car window and called me a “fucking idiot.” I was on my bike and the streets were covered in a foot of snow (London, you see, doesn’t believe in plowing its main…
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Hair A-Blowing

A fierce woman with tattoos on her boobs (or “Tats on her tattas,” as Alysia calls them) attacked my hair today. With sharp things. She was forceful — yanking handsful of hair left and right. I felt so defenseless,…
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Mothers

Does your mother call up your lovers to tell them you’re a “fucking loser”? Mine does. It shows that she loves me….
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Thicker, More Brutish

The boys at the back of the bus sang “Hey Jude” all the way to the mall, where we went (unexpectedly) to buy snow boots, water bottles, and bicycles. Since winter came, each morning is a near death experience: I…
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Snow Day

My roomies welcomed me back with hugs, tenderness when I walked into the house with my fingers frozen and my face red. I told them that their city is fucked — the municipal government refuses to salt any of…
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Drinky-Drinky

Sometimes you need people you can drink with. And last night, after angry calls from my mother, I definitely needed a drink or ten. I felt incredibly tender towards all other immigrant children. As it happened, the wonderful Alysia came…
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“Alive!” She Cried!

We are breeding strange new monsters in our kitchen. For three days now George the grill has been covered in layers of animal fat, layers that are now fusing with the machine and emerging as something deadly, a new…
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Oh, Baby!

We were in the kitchen, eating chicken, and one of us said something about babies. I told her how much they stink and scream. “I only want children so I can play with them for an hour each day and…
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Us and Them

Some calls are funny. “My computer freezes up each time I google for diabetes sites,” she said. “Umm … right,” I said. “Diabetes sites.” Other calls are just nasty. I spent several hours today explaining to a Panamanian that his…
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Tired Days Long Ago

We should all write love letters to the amorphous masses of teenagers waiting in line to see the Harry Potter premiere. Holy shit, there are a lot of them. Last night Laura and I drifted to the cinema on the…
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Mornings

On most mornings I feel slow-witted and clumsy like a space amoeba on the edge of some impossible breakthrough. Sleepless. We stay up late into the night, drinking coffee and we plot my future. According to Alysia, it involves hand-carved…
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Pumpkin Bliss

I told you a while back that I’m moving to London for the pumpkin seeds. What I didn’t tell you is that the grocery store across the road gives “Tudor discounts” on pumpkin bread. It’s like they read my…
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Objective Correlative

In literature there’s something called the objective correlative — a useful device that helps you avoid talking about messy things like emotions. Thus, instead of talking about melancholy, you could talk about sad things like raindrops falling on window…
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Problems All Melt Away

Interesting tidbit about my work: I get paid to listen to people’s problems. And I have to take ownership of their problems. “Let’s see what we can do about that, Mr. Smith.” This is as profound as it is disturbing….
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What Forests Do When We’re Not Watching

When I went to get naked at Laurier on Thursday, I rented a tiny, red car and sped down country roads. The day felt like the end of summer and I rolled down my windows to blast prog rock…
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All Lies

Though the Transfers Restaurant serves luke-warm coffee from large vats in Kitchener’s second-rate bus terminal, they still make the dubious claim they have “the best coffee in town.” I drank their coffee — it’s not that great….
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We’re Available Anytime

The cardinal rule of tech support is to keep each call under 15 minutes. If you take any longer to resolve an issue, supervisors get angry and start demanding you get off the phone. It’s all about statistics — the…
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Touch me with Your Naked Hand

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove Dance me to the end of love Dance me…
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Bus Time

In the last five days I’ve travelled hundreds of kilometers on Greyhounds, alone with my dreams and hard-ons. I rush between Waterloo and London with frightening regularity. And I’ll tell you this: greyhounds are mentally and sexually exhausting — it’s…
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Medieval Mercenary

I’d like to freelance for some obscure publication in the London region — preferably a small newspaper with lots of advertisements for stip clubs and gay hotlines. Does anybody have any contacts they could share?…
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There’s No Such Thing As Water

The City of London cut off the watermain on Laura’s street at 9AM, leaving me without a shower. For the rest of the day, my crotch smelled like lust, girls, and a million shards of morning. If I ever bottled…
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I Can. Japan.

Each of our days in London are tragic and beautiful in their own way, especially when the mornings start with weeping and tenderness on linoleum floors, our bodies shaking in agony. “I can’t do this school bullshit anymore,” she said….
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Lost

These are the things of no importance I’ve lost in the last two days: my sense of proprietymy aluminium scooterone foot of salamimy security access card, and with it my ability to show up to work on time But I…
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Question. Answer.

“Of all things, why do you study Religion, dear Jason?” I asked. “Because I find the subject interesting,” he said. “Oh yeah? In that case, I have some pretty interesting boils on my ass you’ll also want to explore.”…
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Letting The Days Go By

tired. too much coffee. too much talk of modem lights. too much time spent under video surveilance in malls. too much october. too much stress. if the customers asks “are you a real person?” say “yes.” “no.” too much wiki….
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Get A Day Job

For eight hours each day I learn about the internet’s backbone and funny bone. A month from now I’m expected to give customers coherent instructions on how to tap into this “world wide web” thing. Though I’m not allowed to…
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So It Begins

After an hour of driving in the dark, I ended up in London with a bagful of clothes, a hardon, a bicycle, and a dozen weiners wrapped in pig intestines. I’m pretty excited about the weiners….
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Seedy Reasons For Moving Away

For some reason, Waterloo is experiencing a severe pumpkin seeds shortage. Somebody bought all the pumpkin seeds at Bulk Barn, and I had to settle for sunflower seeds. This affects me deeply since pumpkin seeds are my main source of…
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Top of the Hill

The best place in the world to piss is on top of the hill overlooking the town of Baden. “I can see the whole world,” I shouted, aiming my cock towards the King’s Highway. Traffic roared in the distance…
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You Know You Go To A Business School When

… all the graduate job postings in the career services require a BBA degree. In other news, the Weinberg controversy got extensive coverage in the Waterloo Chronicle. At the same time, The Cord assured its readers that WLUSU is dirty…
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Full of Exclamations!

The scene was as strange as only dreams can be — a dozen midgets, maybe more, danced and sang before suddenly exploding. Everything leading up to that moment of naked, shrill laughter was equally bizarre and wonderful: Jeff drove…
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As Long As We Don’t Talk About It

For two weeks now Laurier has been a place of scandal and public outrage: First there was Weinberg’s article on how to get laid, which prompted dozens of girls to declare they’ll never sleep with him again. Then WLUSU confused…
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Poopsmith. Or Bus Driver.

I must’ve been slightly dazed after yesterday’s career fair when I made my way to one of the yellow school buses. A sign in the window claimed the bus was heading towards Laurier, and I believed it. Buses always lie….
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Word. Street.

This year’s Word on the Street was stupidly dull — everybody was selling books as though the world was made entirely of words. Gone were the giant puppets we used to molest, the mimes we used to mock, and…
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Swinging Legs and Testicles

Long distance relationships are tricky: you can’t touch her hands or smell her hair, and you have to work extra hard to maintain intimacy. That’s why the other day I walked into the woods wearing nothing but a camera,…
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Banging Around

Our adventure came to an abrupt stop yesterday evening as Laura and I zigzagged through Conestoga Mall trying to find a shoe store. I was staring at a pack of greyhounds scavenging for human remains when I heard a loud…
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Find Me A Job Feeding Bears

Last night I saw Jeff for the first time since he went away to a strange place to get his Master’s. We headed towards a patio in search of beer, both of us talking at the same time about different…
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Omniscience

Everybody is astounded this morning to discover that The Onion has not only correctly predicted the launch of Gillette’s five-blade, two strip razor, but every single other major historical event as well….
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Poetry Like Flapping of Wings

I expected the poetry reading to go on for hours, but almost as soon as I got there Dave grabbed the mike, spoke really slowly into it, and told us to go away. He then meticulously started packing wires…
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O That Shakespeherian Rag!

You’ve probably caught on that much of my blog, including its name, is some sort of perverse reference to T.S. Eliot’s Waste Land. Think of it as fan fiction. So then you can imagine how delighted I was to find…
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So … Did You Miss Me?

I knew something wasn’t right when I tried to access my blog the other day just to be smacked in the face by an “account suspended” notice. For a moment I panicked — I figured my webhost decided to…
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Old People Can’t Jump

Laura assures me that in her neighbourhood geriatrics chase each other on their scooters on sidewalks. “They travel in packs,” she said. “And the mall next door seems to be some sort of goddamn geriatric mecca.” “That’s nothing,” I said….
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Gone

in london. with laura. naked. can’t write….
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It Wasn’t Supposed To Be This Way

I’m sick and my lungs are trying to escape through my face and I’m sweating uncomfortably and I have to finish a short story where nothing happens but all I can think about are hips. That’s right, hips. Tanned, muscular…
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Pink Notebooks, Full of Secrets

Today I found my pink Strawberry Shortcake notebook in my desk’s left drawer. For over a year I poured all of my secrets and indecent thoughts into it, and now the time has come to share them with you. Here,…
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A Collection of Odd Persons

Deep down inside (somewhere in my liver perhaps), I always wanted to be a street performer. Or a priest. Travelling from town to town with nothing more than five jugging balls and a bag of tricks. But I first…
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When You Can’t Stay, Run

I’ve had enough of this city, so I’m runing away to Mississauga for the weekend to see Craigs and cats and islands in the sun. Until I come back Sunday evening, you should enjoy yourselves — go to blog parties…
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Holy Batman

We always knew his mask was kinky, but the … umm … investigation I conducted over lunch today uncovered sides of Batman I never knew existed. Thank you, Mark Chamberlain for fucking with my childhood heroes. Now whenever I’ll see…
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Bring Me Anger In A Shiny Bottle

My parents came back last night from old Europe laden with bottled up anger, news of sickness and death, and enough jetlag to last them several days. I found them in the evening on the deck and we sat in…
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News of the Moment

Let’s keep this quick: First, the social(ist) committee has its first outing today — come make art in Waterloo Park at 6:30 in the evening. “Hopefully, we’ll make people think/laugh/cry/feel happy when they come across [our random acts of beauty].”…
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Once Every Week

My bike’s rear wheel was warped so badly that every time I picked up speed going down University Avenue it felt as though I was riding a horse. My ass was starting to hurt from all the jerky motion, causing…
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Rain, Rain, Fatal Rain

“The weather man told me it will rain tomorrow,” Megan said. “And I want to see some ass.” We started this thing a while ago, where we just take off our clothes and run outside with a camera whenever we…
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Tumble

When biking to work on a sweaty Tuesday morning, nothing beats the sensation of crashing against the pavement at the corner of Erb and King while a dozen SUV drivers point at you and laugh. It feels better than sex….
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Dearest Trevor

I tried the wooden hand again. It didn’t exactly work but it brought back wonderful memories. That is all….
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The ‘Naked In The Rain’ Meme

Rain usually makes me feel lethargic and sleepy, but this evening instead of napping I was inspired by Megan to strip naked and run into my backyard. Megan’s awesome like that. And yes, rain feels incredible on bare shoulders. Go…
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I Never Thought It Would Feel This Way

I just returned wet, thrilled, and exhausted from one intense musical explosion / camping trip / awkward get-together / hippie orgie / sleep deprivation experiment ALL IN ONE. Wow. Hillside Festival, you made something move inside my head, my…
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Side of the Hill

Tomorrow Laura and I are leaving for the Hillside Festival to spend our days listening to music and our nights in tents with lovers and internet friends. The Hillside festival is like a hipster orgy or a cancerous tumour:…
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Red Droplets of Bitterness and Joy

I ran out to pick currants in the rain today and suddenly felt like a kid again. When I was five I roamed through my grandparent’s yard naked and free. I knew all of the strange fruits of the…
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Bourgeois Faggots

The Loop Clothing party had too little porn and too many hipsters. “Bourgeois faggots,” (as Borrelli calls them) swarmed the place: they were crawling in the vents, swinging from pipes, sitting on the couches, and defecating in dark corners….
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Summer Rain

When it rains, I go outside on the concrete porch and listen to the CDs that Stacey made me. Jazz is funny, and sad, and it gives me strange urges to splash in puddles. But I don’t. Instead, I smell…
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They Call me the Organizer

I knew the day would come when I would have to move office furniture. Indeed, I’ve been training for it for a long while by showing up at my friends’ houses unexpectedly and rearranging their couches. If you’re going to…
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Bug Out

It takes a special kind of crazy to bike 20 km in the summer heat to show up to a car show, but that’s precisely what I did today. Luckily, the people exhibiting their cars were in no position…
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All That Jazz

By the time I returned to the Jazz Festival at 8 o’clock in the evening, the crowd expanded to the adjacent parking lot and the six black men on stage were feeling the music. Earlier in the day the…
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Evenings

The clouds were fantastic at sunset when Laura and I got into her car and drove down country roads to prowl through cemeteries. She wanted to take pictures of graves, white, fragile, and weathered by time. I left her alone…
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So Many Daves

The Dave Alexander pool on flicker is quite possibly the best thing ever. Regan said it best: this group is for collecting images of dave, not for humiliation, but to examine exactly why he’s so photographable in the first…
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Getting Nailed

Someone in my neighbourhood has been sadistically nailing bunnies to trees and wooden fences. I think that’s pretty great….
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‘Cause We’re the Fishes

I’ll tell you something: the creeks that run through the city are full of carp squrming beneath the surface. Dozens of them! The waters are as murky as their flesh, and you can jump in there and grab them with…
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Elsewhere Today

Have you seen flickrDogs yet? It’s a whole blog devoted entirely to canines and today they’re featuring one of my puppy photos. I suddenly want a dog. Badly.Speaking of photos, if you have a hard time organizing the 20,000…
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Long, Weak End

Today at lunch I decided to leave work early and walk down the street to buy booze. The long weekend couldn’t had come any sooner — though my job is fulfilling, it takes a lot out of me. For the…
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Everything is a Cohen Song

We found the place where doves go to die. It was a hot day in June and I said, “Come under this bridge and I’ll show you things you only dream of.” She grasped my sweaty hand and followed…
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Night

Let me tell you about summer nights and liquid, beautiful people. I was moving through the darkness, slightly drunk and filled with tacos, and the night wrapped itself around me like a soft glove. And I saw half-naked boys running…
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Elsewhere on the Internet

For a week now I’ve been too busy to read other people’s thoughts, and it looks as though I missed out on a lot: Dave Alexander went through an emo phase and now sees his life as a character on…
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Continental My Ass

When did the word “continental” become synonymous with shitty? The continental breakfast I’m served each morning consists of a piece of rotten toast; the continental work shift is just slightly more hideous than the graveyard shift; and I don’t much…
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I Fart in Your General Direction

Dear Via Rail, I don’t think you want me on your trains again, and not just because I fart shamelessly and refuse to pay for my coffee. You’ve been sending me subtle messages all week long, even before I sat…
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Working Blues

I’m not used to having a steady job — this work thing is sucking up most of my mornings and afternoons. Suddenly, my mental space is occupied by marketing surveys, literacy brochures, business reports, and mail-merge. Oh, mail-merge is the…
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Shhh…

I’ll tell you a secret — I have another blog where I tell people how to live their lives….
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Rain

One of these days I’ll take my camera in the rain and dance. Somehow I always end up stuck inside when it’s pouring outside and it hurts….
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Sweat Gets in My Eye

After trying on each other’s underwear while her dog looked at us funny, we got into her boiling-hot car and rode towards the city with our windows rolled down and legs sticking out of the car. We were hungry for…
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Twenty Years of Boredom

Work makes people boring; for instance, my next dozen blog entries (like the three before this one) will likely be about how great my job is. And let me tell you, my job is pretty fucking sweet. Today my boss…
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Road Trip

Next weekend the people I’m working for are sending me to some sort of conference at University of Windsor. The whole thing was random (“You wanna go to a conference?” they said when I walked into the office this morning….
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My Little Book of Photos

I’m thinking of creating a little book of photographs this summer, and I need your advice. I want my book to be a joyful experiment in self-publishing: it will measure 8.25” by 5.25”; it will smell like glue; and…
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Bob Rae Walks Softly, Carries Big Stick

Laura and I were making out in front of the public library at noon, my shirt inexplicably smeared with semen, when we saw Bob Rae walk on the sidewalk in front of us. Laurier’s chancellor and ex-premier looked tired and…
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Those Are Bags Under My Eyes, See

Laura keeps talking about her hair, how she wants it shorter. “I’ll cut it for you,” I offered. “Have you ever cut hair?” “It can’t be that hard.” “No!” she said. “I’ll let you cut mine,” I said. “But…
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Puppies

The phone rang early yesterday morning and I answered in my sexy, raspy voice. “We’re coming over with the puppy!” the voice at the other end announced as I struggled into my clothes. Twenty minutes later, Meghann and Vince…
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This is what Wisdom Looks Like

When I came home at noon with a bloody tooth in my pocket and hole in my jaw, my heart was still beating frantically and my lips were dry and swollen. And I was smiling. The dentist jammed needles…
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Everything’s Good

There’s nothing wrong with spending entire days in cum-stained shirts trying to develop a repetitive strain injury. There’s also nothing wrong with putting duct tape on your feet….
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Small Things

Small things make me happy — like being able to bite my own nails. Since my jaw got infected last week there hasn’t been much (satisfying) nail-biting going on, and I’ve been miserable. “I could bite them for you,” Laura…
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Coincidences

I read a few blogs this morning (while pills made my ears ring) and saw patterns and meaning emerge. It’s funny how lives intersect: Item 1. Some wonderful people shared a moment of musical intensity this Tuesday — I…
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Forgive us our Trespasses

Yesterday I saw God wander down the highway clothed in a pillar of cloud. He seemed shaky and unsure of himself, his essence spinning and spewing forth across the asphalt. He hummed gently as he drew near, and my…
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I want to live and I want to Love

I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of My warts aren’t very sexy — they’re on my feet. I went to see a doctor yesterday and she told me that all that running around shoeless through summer…
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Photos and Yummy Tags

For some reason, I was dressed in pink when I grabbed Helen’s ass in the hallway one afternoon. “You look good in pink,” she said as her sister snapped a picture. “And I like it when you grab my…
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What Happens Now?

My days are now filled with dying roses, bike rides to new cities, smacks in the face, kisses on cannons, orgasms in basements, lunches and tears, searches for herpes, cruelty in diners, places of anguish, smells, sweat, talks of…
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Nothing

The day brought no acceptance letters, just an endless stream of coffee, urine, and angry masturbation in empty basements. Thus, aside from the pseudo-rejection, it wasn’t much different from other days. More soon ……
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Word on the Street

Since I’m not above spreading rumours, here’s your daily doze of gossip: 1. The Dean of Science was determined to expel me two years ago after I exposed a security flaw in the OneCard system. His determination was triggered by…
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Spring Surprises Us

Spring crept upon us while we were eating frozen yogurt on the patio. Amy was quietly craving a smoke; I had a spoon in my mouth and a knife in my hand. And when I looked up from the…
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Newflash

Item 1. Despite last year’s debauchery, on April 1st I’ve been asked to chair two sessions at the Interdisciplinary Arts Conference. The conference is phenomenal — come and be academic. And yes, there will be free food, booze, and groping….
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Physical Graffiti

My partner in crime and I snuck into 28 washrooms this afternoon in search of graffiti. Unfortunately, most of the stalls were scrubbed clean of profanities before Laurier Day, when thousands of perspective students invaded the campus. The university,…
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So,

It looks as though the Teachers’ College thing isn’t happening for me. York doesn’t want me and U of T is probably not too impressed by my bullshit either. I need new goals for the next eleven years of my…
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Syn(dication) is Sexy

Now that everybody elbowed their way onto the blogging bandwagon (even the sucky people1), I can barely keep up with other people’s neurosis. Stalking ain’t easy. To simplify things, I grabbed newsfeeds from some of the blogs I like and…
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One. Two. Three.

Connect nothing with nothing! One. Katie West hugged me warmly and told me about drowning in foam on her trip to Mexico. “Mexico is like that,” I said. “Lovely and deadly.” “And drowning is ecstatic,” she said. She told me…
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Blue Balls

Every winter a giant snow phallus materializes in the middle of Wilson field, promting members of the Women’s Centre to dismantle it in a public and sometimes violent ritual. This year’s 7 ft. phallus is more elaborate than its…
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Sticks and String

Because it was a sunny Friday afternoon we picked up a bottle of wine and stopped by Zellers afterwards. “Let’s get some knitting supplies,” I said. “Do you want to lean how to knit?” she asked. “No, that’s crazy…
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Auch

I told her that I have a midterm at 5:30 today, and that it will probably kill me. “Bring lubrication and something to bite down on,” she said. And I cried….
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Two Bags and a Tripod

The bags are packed, the route is marked, and at 10 o’clock we’re leaving for Tobermory. The trip will probably involve tenderness. And bears. Awesome!…
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Last Day of Classes

Today the concourse was full of unexplainably beautiful people. Leather jackets. Lean asses. Muscular strides. Everyone looked fuckable. My head throbbed with sudden narrative urgency and my cock felt heavy and murderous under layers of clothing….
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Forks Go in Eyeballs

Last night I drank coffee until I spazzed while studying for my computer vision midterm. When I finally collapsed from exhaustion at 6 in the morning, I dreamt that Jason Shim was jabbing my eyeballs with plastic forks. Fucker!…
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Shit

Once the firealarms started blaring, I ran through the hallways until I found Nicole, whom I haven’t seen since October when she attacked me with an umbrella. We started chatting about fires. And constipation. She hasn’t been able to go…
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Yesterday

I kissed her on the fifth floor of the library among tales of pain, torture, and glory. We were drunk, and the chronicles of human suffering aroused us. I jabbed Stacey with a small, plastic sword. I drank with…
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Good is Dead

On a Sunday afternoon, we walked among the gravestones plotting our deaths….
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Last Night I Was a Fish

I had fishy thoughts and clammy fins. My body swirled within the darkness of my mind to find bitterness and self-loathing. There was mucus everywhere. And I thought, “Am I’m an asshole or just delirious?” Later, when I was no…
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Under There

Sadly, I’ll never be an underwear model: my arms are skinny; I prefer briefs to boxers; I break windows instead of hearts….
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Blow Job

I’m drunk and people are wonderful again. We went to Jane Bond to celebrate Steph’s birthday. She drank her blowjob without using her hands — it got tricky. We laughed and talked about pirates and boobs the way drunk…
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Wisdom on a Sunday

People are slippery. You can never hang on to lovers or friends, but you can always hang on to your dick….
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Paint Colours

Funny thing — Martha’s room in Cambridge has been painted in warm, creamy hues. The paint is called Tudor Cream. Oh, the irony….
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Scenes from a Hot Tub

Hot tubs are orgasmic. Martha has one in her backyard, and on a freezing night we stripped to our underwear and ran through the snow, our feet burning once they hit the hot water. We were exhausted after a four-hour…
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Year in Review

January was Gothy. I wanted to experiment with a new face and talk about ecstasy while masturbating cats. Katie West gave me a paper heart and overcome by tenderness I unleashed upon Laurier frightful political imagery. In February I…
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Forget Christmas

In less than two days I’m going away. Toronto. Tenderness. Martha. Before I leave town we should celebrate great pagan rites. Booze. Board games. Nudity. Last year’s winter solstice celebration ended with soft caresses, mad giggles, and the surreal smell…
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Blowtorch

This morning in my garage I found a goddamn blowtorch! Whoa! I might be able to fix the purple monster by myself. Soon I’ll tell you about screaming and the smell of sizzling flesh. I’m excited….
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A Game of Scrabble

To celebrate the end of the exams, I played Scrabble in my underwear against Simon while drinking red wine. And won….
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Let’s Drool

She said, “Show me what you looked like when you were a kid.” I rummaged through dusty boxes to find pictures of my younger self eating apples, running naked, and drooling all over myself. Little has changed in in 22…
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Words are so Empty

With your underwear crumpled on the floor besides you, you feverishly type the essay that was due yesterday. “The Renaissance theatre as an institution echoed antifeminist ideas and cemented gender boundaries,” you write. There are probably better ways to spend…
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No Orgies (Yet)

The Union got me drunk on bad home-made wine, which I drank surrounded by nubile bodies. Despite my intoxication I managed to keep my clothes on. WLUSU parties are no orgies of flesh. We don’t have enough sense to…
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Television is Bad

After watching TV for six hours (and writing zero essays) I have the sudden urge to rinse my eyeballs….
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Astrology Rocks

I should have used my astrology profile to fill out my applications for teachers’ college. Astrology is the art of spewing wonderful (but ultimately meaningless) insights, and universities crave shit like this: Tudor has strong opinions and expresses his views…
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I Stopped Making Shit up

The application process to teachers’ college is slow and tedious. I have a hard time saying nice things about myself — I’d rather be caustic, witty, self-deprecating. But I want to get in. So I’m giving serious responses to serious…
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I Don’t Like Robots

Google me up! That’s right — searching for “Tudor Costache” or “penis on a plate” will no longer bring up my blog. Last night I realized that I have no useful or practical information to offer the world and I…
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Fix up the Fuck up Day

Saturday at 11:30 PM I realized I was screwed. That’s when I looked at the computer science courses offered next semester and realized I wouldn’t be able to graduate — I didn’t have the prerequisites for any of the courses…
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Public Service Announcements

1. WLUSU is having an open forum on Wednesday, November 17th, in the concourse. Stop by between 11 am and 2 pm and scream at your elected representatives. Civilized discourse is over-rated. If you’re unsure what to scream about, here’s…
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Say Something Nice

After Scrabble and coffee, I went home and wrote exceedingly nice things about myself. I’m applying for teachers’ college and they want to see enthusiasm, excitement. They want also to get a sense of who I really am. “My penis…
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Monday

The rest of my life will be decided this Monday….
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Providing For My Needs

Someone in the Students’ Union has a wonderful sense of humour. In my mailbox one morning I found a glossy travel brochure for Hedonism, a resort where “pleasure comes in many forms.” Vacations in the 1970’s were advertised with…
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The Things They Thought Me

I learned three wonderful things today: 1. If you bike through a snowfall, ice pellets will jab your eyeballs with savage intensity. I learned this while rushing to school to drop two courses. Today was the last day for…
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Apart-ment

My Visionary Indian friend is looking for an apartment. He needs a place where he can hang his pictures and dance in his underwear all day long. We drove through the city looking at behemoths of concrete, the wind…
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Critiquing the Critique

The Cord received seven scathing letters this week. People were “disgusted” and “sickened” by the campus pictorial published in the previous issue: two students jammed under a crumpled car. The car appeared on campus early one morning as a reminder…
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e-Biz Bullshit

When I found out that the e-Biz club was running a website showcase, I eagerly submitted my site only to have my enthusiasm crushed by the following message: Due to the nudity on your blog we cannot feature it in…
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Pumpkins Against Drunk Driving

The pumpkins didn’t do anything wrong: they were just peacefully congregating on a table. But that didn’t deter us from sadistically jamming knifes into their flesh, carving orifices where no orifices were before. “I want to see agony,” I…
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Flight

Now there is an ‘us’: an intoxicating mixture of her and me, emotion and experience, wants and needs. We need to celebrate this new creation — we need to go on an adventure. This winter we’ll do something daring and…
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In no Particular Order

My brain still throbs with tenderness, and I can no longer form coherent thoughts. This weekend she wore my sweaters. We touched fingers and lips while exploring Cambridge. I bleed for her in an abandoned warehouse. We slept for…
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It Comes with the Job

WLUSU’s exclusive parties are much like board meetings — bearable only when they involve alcohol. I went to Wilf’s Grand Re-Opening party intending to stand on a barstool and profess my love for everyone. But I changed my mind as…
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Tarot Reading

I picked ten cards which she arranged carefully on the black cloth. “You are the Knight of Cups,” she said, flipping the first one over, “man of uncertainty and unrestrained emotions. And this, the hermit you carry on your back,…
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In Other News

On Monday, October 25th, Dr. Slaughter will present a new approach to the war on terrorism. No, I didn’t make this shit up. The public lecture will take place at CIGI located in the Seagram building (57 Erb Street). Be…
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Winter Rain

Doped up on cough medicine, I painted my room. The paint is called Winter Rain; I chose it because it sounds like poetry. Cold rain pelted my windows as I painted. Martha is away this weekend. I told her…
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Public Service Announcements

1. If you’re looking for a free lunch, come to WLU’s student town hall on Tuesday, October 19. Food will be served sometime between 11:30 and 1pm. The news release gives me absolutely no idea what this town hall involves….
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Goodnight Ladies, Sweet Ladies Goodnight

I’m off to see my Martha: a weekend of ecstasy and good weather ahead of us. Will be back Tuesday to tell all….
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Upcoming

No more foreplay! For two entire weeks ClubLaurier will offer penetrating insight into sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, telling you how to fuck yourself silly while listening to music in Waterloo. You’ll get advice on where to buy sex…
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Ecstasy (in one sentence)

Always in a hurry to pull up my pants, I never had the patience to watch sperm disintegrate into a puddle of yellow on a white piece of paper, until today when I found ecstasy in empty rooms late in…
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Dreams

She dreamt I wasn’t myself. In her dream someone wearing my face started killing people and she couldn’t convince it to stop. I told her I don’t remember my dreams. “My forgetfulness is justified,” I said. “The one dream I…
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Pimp Your Publication Day

I was disappointed: I sure as fuck didn’t take off my clothes just to be ignored.
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My Day in Bullets

And today I: Came for the first time in three days; Argued vehemently about race; Used my webcam to expose pieces of my soul; Screamed and undressed during show debates, agitated; Failed to hug Heather; Sat on a bench for…
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Link Up

For strange but satisfying reasons, University of Waterloo’s PR machine is pimping my blog. Awesome but … umm … do they realize that I only write dirty things?…
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Grand Experience

Remember that rubber dinghy Trevor and I rode down Laurel Creek in the spring? All summer it sat unloved in my garage, but now I’m planning to take it out again. Early next week I’ll lazily drift in it all…
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Your Short Story About Falling

Let’s write a collective story. The wonderful mace started this one when she commented on yesterday’s entry. Now it’s your turn to keep the narrative going. Write something short and funny below. I remember my head impacting against the ground,…
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Of Sundials

“Three thirty,” it said once the clouds disappeared. And I thought, “Nothing is sexier than a sundial. Except her tongue when it grazes the skin covering my ribs, making me quiver.”…
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Play Hopscotch for an Hour

He forgot to sign my form. Motherfucker. So after running across the campus three times and wasting two hours in a line-up I eventually managed to replace my cancelled courses. And with all that running, an uneasy sensation started to…
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Buzz

This morning eleven large insects were mating on my window. I ate one.
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Blue Night

He got me drunk as soon as we stumbled our way to the park with a bottle of wine, but I didn’t care because swings were made for drunk people. We went out into the blue night to say…
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Death and Longing

Toronto’s sidewalks are scenes of intense sexual agony. The two cicadas on the ground were silently and intensely fucking while the four of us watched. “Butt to butt, like dogs,” Trevor’s wifey said. They seemed to have been doing…
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Fresh and Delicious

Just as I was about to run out of eggs, these showed up on my porch: I wonder if cruelty makes eggs tastier; if so, this will be one hell of an omelette….
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Waterloo Jazz Fest

The crowd was all wrong. Most of them had grey hair. Some were bolding and dragged around dogs or children. We felt incredibly old just by being there. But the Jazz was good, especially on a Friday while watching…
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Gone

Sweet fuck Martha, I killed the purple dolphin! I’m so sorry!…
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Canada Day

Our Canada Day celebrations were pleasantly low key: The wine made me sleepy and strangely offensive; the weed made him lively and dangerously excited. So we argued for a while and listened to music until I fell asleep half-naked…
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Gmail Rhapsodies

They played me songs and wrote me poems, and all I had to give them in return were some lousy Gmail invitations. People are wonderfully generous. For Gmail, Sygmoral played for me a piano version of Lou Reed’s Perfect Day….
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Knock and Wait

I’ve nearly forgotten how goddamn stupid high schools are, so when I walked into one yesterday evening to vote in the Federal election I nearly shit my pants. A monstrously red sign was taped on the glass door of the…
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I Didn’t Inhale

I coughed like a bastard and blew the smoke through my nose like some sort of mythical creature. My visionary Indian friend laughed, his face beautiful and obscured by clouds. I never smoked before and my body refused to hallucinate….
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What Large Teeth You Have

My teeth are deliciously sharp and shiny, and suddenly I yearn to bite through raw human flesh. At the dentist today they sat me down in a chair and scraped and polished until everything was white and bleeding. The dental…
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Back From the Edge

The earth beneath me felt like living tissue, and I was surrounded by primordial nothingness and cracked earth, the colour of pain.
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Eat This Parsley

He didn’t know whether he should eat his parsley, so he asked Google, “Is parsley good to eat?” “It’s good to eat a thousand years,” Google answered in its infinite robot wisdom. “Especially with a bit of cock on the…
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Flexibility

While showering I discovered that I can touch my toes without bending my knees. I was impressed because I was never flexible — even as a kid I had to cheat and slightly bend my knees to reach my toes….
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Purple

And after all that, somebody decided to paint the bathroom walls purple….
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WLUSP’s New Home

I stopped by the new Student’s Publications offices today to say hello to Craig and take some pictures — the place is cozy, smells of fresh paint, and the large windows let you see the trees blooming outside and…
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May Day

I got out of bed this morning and quietly took over the campus media. After brushing my teeth I infiltrated the student government too. This May Day I officially assumed my dual role as Editor-in-Chief of ClubLaurier and student representative,…
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What now?

Summertime fills me with a vast sense of emptiness. Warm and listless are the days of summer, and utterly devoid of people and ecstasy. To disrupt the endless stream of meaningless days, this summer I resolve to do the following:…
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Weeping and Grinding of Teeth

I last cracked open my math textbook seven weeks ago, right before the midterm. That was also the last time I’ve been to that class. My book, like my brain, has been quietly gathering dust in a corner. Naturally,…
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You’ve got Hate Mail

Before I delete it, I secretly get off on the hate mail I receive. Even before I grab breakfast in the morning I read the new comments posted on my blog, hoping to get a sheer dose of hatred. It…
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Traumatize Children at Easter

When kids come over for Easter, most people keep them entertained by feeding them chocolate or organizing a scavenger hunt. But I’m not most people. Last year I threw little kids down the stairs after they attacked me with…
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No GST

Regan Watts, of all people, wrote me an urgent email this morning letting me know that Paul Martin was abolishing GST before launching a surprise election this Sunday. I put on my boots and went for a walk mulling about…
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Eyes in my Nipples

My nipple developed a mind of its own, and now my existence revolves almost entirely around it. I have to wash it and take constant care of it. I write long articles about it in The Cord. If my nipple…
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Crossroads

I was standing at the corner of University and King, waiting for the lights to change, when I noticed him roaring against the traffic. “How strange,” I thought, and so did the people around him who quickly dispersed avoiding eye…
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Feeling Cold

A sore throat and cold shivers have been keeping me up at night. I want to blame my cold on the handshakes I received on the campaign trail, but it would be more fair to blame it on the unsanitary…
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Snow Day

Last night’s snowstorm forced both universities to close for the day, but unlike some people, the closure didn’t upset me too much. I got to sleep in, and once the storm stopped I shovelled the snow for two hours, snot…
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Newness

Winter is depressing in KW, especially when all the elaborate attempts to flee the boredom of the city fail. My trip to Florida got cancelled, my plan to hitchhike to New Brunswick was slightly unrealistic, and last night I…
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Year in Review

The pleasant change in the weather combined with the delicious duck and wine I had last night at Wellhauser’s World Peace dinner did wonders for my mental well being. I’m feeling so good that I decided to take an egoistical…
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Discontent

Winter is my time of despair. Shadows of doubt slipped into my mind today as I was waiting for my bus in the rain. Everything inside me is dead, my doubts whispered. All is nothingness, they echoed in the emptiness…
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Smokin’

With my last textbook slammed closed at two o’clock, and my last exam finally over, I’m now a free man until January. I’m free and also exhausted — I didn’t get much sleep these last couple of days. And…
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Samsara

This evening’s conversation with a friend ended with the phone slammed in frustration at the other end. Before the shattering silence, my friend reminded me of what’s important: my mind and my body. Lately I’ve been dazzled by the world…
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Horoscopy

My horoscope is silly, predictable, and I rarely believe a word of it. I’m amused each time I read it though, especially when my stars tell me stuff like this: You may have a passionate surprise awaiting you when it…
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100 Things

She dumped me after I chased the other girls around the schoolyard with a stick between my legs making all sorts of noises and humping inanimate objects.
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Fitted with Collar and Chain

The collar I bought myself this weekend now fits comfortably around my neck, and I’m finally starting to feel like an animal. Animals are restrained because there’s something wild and ferocious about them — they’ve got a spark of…
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Puzzlement

I’m never sure how to answer the intense emails I receive from my visionary Indian friend. His last email has been sitting in my mailbox for over a week, and though I read it quite a few times I still…
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Pervasive Pessimism

I felt ferociously creative at lunch today as Tommy, Bernard, and I bounced around ideas for our Fringe play. By the time we were done, the play became more dynamic and viciously funny, but it also lost most of its…
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She Blinded me with Science

Today’s biology midterm made me feel incredibly incompetent and stupid. I stared at my paper for well over an hour, and I became a bit more depressed with each question I couldn’t answer. Chelicerae? Madreporite? Clitellum? I had no idea…
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Remembrance of Things Past

My visionary indian friend is desperately trying to fuck up his mind. He wrote me an email today explaining how he assaults people with tenderness, how he tries to drag them into his life, and how he invariably fails to…
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All White and Fierce

I looked out my window this morning to find that last night’s thunderstorm became a blizzard and turned my neighbourhood into a Siberian wasteland. No more biking around town for me. I need to find some new means of locomotion….
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Going Quietly Mad

Tonight I biked through the cold November rain to get to the Student Publications appreciation dinner, but I didn’t mind because I’ve been looking forward to it for the entire week. The people at student pubs are great, and hanging…
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Back into the Wasteland

About three years ago Eliot’s Waste Land grabbed my imagination and ripped it to shreads. These lines, in particular, moved me in strange ways: What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow Out of this stony rubbish? Son of…
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