Broken Images, All Alike

A Little 2640km Ride

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 22:33:23 -0500

So I packed Ryder in a shiny purple bag and snaked across the border for a few weeks.

I wanted to take it easy for a while, but then EVERYTHINGHAPPENEDATONCE:

I ... Grew a beard. Lived in the woods. Showered infrequently. Read chick lit. Yes. Felt like a real man in touch with nature and my sensitive side. Saw oceans. Realized I miss people, music. Drove down endless stretches of asphalt. Smelt death on the beach. Bought shoes.

(more pics)

Youthquake!

Mon, 03 May 2010 18:27:07 -0500

So Regan and Sherry are getting married. They stopped by my apartment on their whirlwind tour to incite youthquakes around the province.

I made them coffee in the most awkward way possible. "All my electronic devices decided to commit suicide this week," I said. "The rice maker went first. Now I have to force-feed the coffeemaker boiled water to get anything out of it."

"That's clever," they said, very much in love. With each other.

It rained then it stopped. We went out to buy rhododendrons for their yard. I got rhubarb for my balcony and mushrooms for our bellies.

Back home, tattooed men just finished ripping down the tattoo studio next door. I was sad. "That's the main reason I moved here," I said. "Well, at least I still have my stench of urine in the hallways."

We cooked mushrooms. Played dominoes. The storm clouds dispersed in the evening air.

That's when we grabbed our pitchforks and raced to the streets to take over the deserted city, the abandoned stores where tattoo studios used to live. "Youthquake!" we cried. They were happy.

"Now go home and twitter about it," I said.

They did.

Let's trade fur for technology

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 09:03:55 -0500

What a week -- volcanoes! puppy departures! clickety-clack on new typewriters!

So, here's a list of random occurrences:

The number of dogs in my apartment was reduced by half -- Sophia, who was couch surfing for the past two months, flew back to her own place despite volcanoes. The smoky ruins of Iceland will never crush our dreams.
Speaking of sparks, the whole city of Waterloo is on fire.
The girl down the street sold me a typewriter. She said she recognized my dog from teh internets. I am a sucker for dog stories.
Celebrated by visiting the vats where beer is brewed. Guelph is delicious this time of year.

Spring checklist

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:27:08 -0500

Sunlight. Check
Not wearing pants around the house. Check
Napping with puppies. Check
New vacuum cleaner with a lot of extra suck. Check
Planning summer trips to find whales. Check

Spring. Finally.

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:58:51 -0500

Yesterday was the last day of winter. Early in the morning I drove down to Cambridge to help Simon move. The Vinyl Cafe was on the radio -- a story about Winnipeg and this crazy elm growing in the middle of a goddamn street. When the city tried to cut it down all the women in the neighborhood linked their arms around it. But it was useless. Though the city left the elm alone, vandals set it on fire and it had to be cut down anyway.

For some reason the crackle of the radio, the helplessness of the elm, the early morning ride made me think of you. And I started to cry.

After all these months I still miss you like crazy. This winter without you has been the longest winter ever.

And now it's spring.

Things have changed.

I've got a new job that uses my brain -- a new place with windows and streaming sunlight -- a new fluffy dog living with me -- a new bike I use to zip to work in the morning.

But when I come home in the evening, everything reminds me of you.

I still have all your stuff. Your grandmother's couch. Your dinning-room set that's missing the chair you smashed against the wall. I eat my single-serving dinners with your forks and stir up my coffee with your spoons.

You left me too much, and I gave you nothing in return. I didn't know how to love you. I was terrible at making you happy, and long ago I gave up trying to make you smile. So I pushed you away, and only after you left I realized what I wanted and now's too late to have you back.

Everything changed this winter, but in some ways I'm back from where I started. I explained all this to the dogs but they didn't seem to understand... When I first came to Canada I lived all of four houses up the street. I now walk the dogs through the same cemetery I used to walk to school. Sometimes I let them shit on my old school's lawn and don't clean up. The bells from the same church wake me up in the morning.

Then, as now, I feel I'm missing a part of myself. After all these years I feel like the same piece of shit swirling around the same toilet bowl.

And I'm trying to break free in my own way just like you did.

New Spaces

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 22:24:01 -0500

The new place lacks a shower. Entirely. The kitchen faucet leaks and the stove won't turn on. The fan in the windowless bathroom does not work.

But the apartment makes up for all of its shortcomings by having glorious windows, sunbeams, puppies wrestling on the carpet. Who needs faucets, showers, warm meals when your days are full of sunlight?

On the move

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:46:05 -0500

Despite all my tough talk about using spreadsheets to track everything from how often the dog poops to how much radishes cost at the corner store, I make most of my decisions by stumbling around blindly and grasping at things.

Take last week, for instance.

I figured it was time for me to move out of Jason's basement. I wanted a place with tall windows, windows that in the summer open to a busy street and let the bustle of the city fly up right into my living room.

Sure, I could've made spreadsheets with prices and pros and cons.

But instead I said 'fuck it' and clicked the first online ad without any photos attached. Online ads without photos are the best kinds of ads.

In this case, the ad lead to a late-night meeting with a lady who rents bachelor apartments above the tattoo studio (next-door to the massage parlour). We spent about half an hour breaking into some dudes apartment. The key just didn't want to work.

After long moments of awkwardness, the door finally cracked open. Dirty dishes were scattered everywhere. The dude ate lots of beans and liked iron crosses a hell of a lot.

"Good people live in this building," the lady said. Her boyfriend with tattoos all the way up his neck agreed.

"No dealers or anything," he said. "I used to deal when I was growing up but not anymore."

I liked him instantly. The apartment not so much. The windows were the type that didn't open - just one solid piece of glass buffering you from the outside world.

"I have another place," she said. "It even has a balcony."

We climbed a crooked stairway that smelled like urine. All the doors were painted red and awesome. This other apartment had no working lights, and also no dirty dishes. It was vast and superb. The windows were the type that opened to the street below.

"I love it," she said.

"And you can watch the Christmas parade from the balcony," she said.

"I'll take it," I said.

Two days later I got a call. "The landlord wants to meet you," she said.

***

I met him in the middle of King St. He walked towards me with a limp, looking old and wise, and opened a door to an empty storefront.

Inside an armless mannequin waited for better days.

"So you want the place, eh?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to see it again?" he said.

"No, it's perfect."

I'm moving in less than a month. It's going to be awesome.

I See Dead People

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 22:35:03 -0500

Sarah came for a visit. So naturally we spent an entire weekend looking at dead people in Toronto. (Narrated by Harrison Ford pretending to be an archeologist.) Ugh. Gross. I know.

But on the up side, we also saw a sad tapir and a rhino drinking its own urine. And it was Sra's birthday so we ate too many cupcakes. And Sarah brought me books about pigs and happiness and I bought pig gloves which made me happy.

We spent the rest of the time dressing up the dog, which didn't seem to make her happy at all:

Letting the days go by ... let the water hold me down

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 22:25:25 -0500

I'm immensely relieved 2009 is over -- what an shitty year it's been. One meaningless trauma after another. Now that I washed this lingering stench of disappointment from my bones, let's never speak of 2009 again.

But the year did end with awesome. And by awesome, I mean crepes. Dave hosted the annual Crepes and Champagne New Year's party and the dog and I had our fill of chocolate, pets, ultraviolence. And look, pictures of pretty things that are not my wang.

HO!

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 09:42:14 -0500

I can't recall a more low-key Christmas since the one I spent in 1989. Back then there were riots on the streets and people dying, foolishly as it turned out. Bullets whizzed by our window all night long and the moon was the weirdest shade of red I've ever seen. I was just a little shit and couldn't do anything, so I had to keep my lights off and huddle to sleep with my stuffed animals at 9pm.

Now, 20 years later, there are no riots. But since Christmas day I've been turning my lights out at 9pm and huddling to sleep with my puppy. It's been pretty awesome.

And I got pants for Christmas. Look how awesome they are. Whee!

A Barrie Merry Christmas

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:40:28 -0500

The dog and I were feeling pretty down last week. So we packed our germs in the car and headed up to Barrie over the weekend. The Regan and the Sherry held their annual Christmas open house, and man, pretty much everyone was there: that Alysia girl I haven't seen in forever, big-bellied Megan, our fearless leader Corwin and his army of elves, and even this dude nobody knew so we insulted in various ways.

"Sucks to your asthmar, piggy."

And then we jabbed him with wooden spears until he left.

And after the hugs, and scrabble, and treats, and the cold medication that went to my head, and Regan's hands caressing my right nipple, a bunch of us somehow ended up on top of the stairs massaging each other, the dog wagging her tail lazily between us.

"This is like one of those high school parties where everybody sits around and massages everybody else," Borrelli said.

Then there was slumber and dreams and dogs jumping on beds in the night.

In the morning everybody braced themselves as I drove to breakfast. "This van can fly," I said. "Not today," they said.

Over greasy breakfast foods I told them about girls in faraway places and awkwardness. They gave me life advice. "Try not to stick your penis in anyone for a while," they said.

I thanked them, and when the dog and I left Barrie we felt enormously better, like the weight of all the sickness and anguish melted in the night.

Oh yeah, and we have pictures.

Let's Dance Around The Issue

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:17:39 -0500

I love December. The fucking cold, the endless nights leave room for enjoyable activities such as: taking flu medication, dashing through the snow, self-doubting, pity parties.

Speaking of which, we're seriously overdue for a pity party. Pity parties are fun -- I'll start!

Here's my life right now:

I'll be 30 soon. That's old.
I live alone in a musky basement with my dog.
Most of my meals consist entirely of cheese. And chocolate.
Am I too fat? Is my ass too big? Why don't my pants fit?
My god, am I going bald already? Is that why she left?
The dog stained the bed with her bum last week and I keep putting off changing the sheets.
I drink alone and post dirty pictures of myself on teh internets.
I don't floss.
My day job is to help people; I can't even help myself.
I now idle my car in the morning because I'm too lazy to scrape the windshield.
I'm emotionally scarred and needy.

This could go on for a while, but we'd better save some for tomorrow. Your turn...

Boys are such pigs

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:10:41 -0500

I decided that my fuzzy pig hat is so awesome it deserves to be photographed for an entire year. That's right -- new photo project: me wearing a pig hat. And not much else.

This is going to rock so much more than the other 365 days craziness.

Fun With Google

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:30:49 -0500

Did I mention I have a new job? Well, it's true -- I started on Monday. So this week has been full of both awesome and awkward at once. Especially today.

You see, me and the other new guy showed up at a meeting. Exciting, I know. But wait, it gets better.

Once they finished going over the items on the meeting agenda, they brought out a projector and started to Google our names, right in front of everyone. There were only about 20 people in the room. Nothing came up for the other guy because of his horribly common name. But then they started typing in my name, and even before they were done typing Google came back with 1,120,000 results. Seriously:

Some of those 1,120,000 results were hard to explain.

Puppy Trips FTW!

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:42:40 -0500

The poop-monster and I went on a two hour bike ride from Elmira to Wallenstein this morning. There are few things in life that seem to satisfy her as completely as a fresh pile of horse shit by the side of the road. Luckily, our little trek offered her plenty of opportunities to experience absolute bliss.

While she ran around swamps and fields, I made plans to hike with her the 800km Bruce Trail from beginning to end. I'm just not too sure about her endurance. We hiked smaller sections in previous years, and she absolutely loved it. So this spring we're going to test the waters and hike for seven days straight covering about 150km.

I'm planning to go around the Bear Lake area, so it would be really cool if any of you peeps could join us for a day, suggest any accommodations, or let us camp out in your backyard. In exchange for your help, the dog will gladly eat up any foul-smelling refuse she finds in the area. At least I won't have to pack any kibble on the trip.